Survivor Panama - Exile Island: final episodes

Since Channel 9 stuffed up the beginning of this season it's only fitting that they also stuff up the end by sandwiching a repeat – a REPEAT!! - of CSI between the last two episodes and the reunion. At least they had the decency to show the result at the end of the second hour and not leave us hanging with another TO BE CONTINUED...

If the first 14 episodes of Survivor are like a church service, the final night is like Christmas and Easter rolled into one, with some of the regular stuff but lots of special once-a-year extras.

The "previously on Survivor" was a pithy recap of the series so far including many of Shane's 'highlights'. Next we got to find out whether Cirie or Danielle went through to the final following last week's tied vote. They had to compete against each other, with the first to build a fire hot enough to burn through a rope and – of course – raise a flag being declared the winner. Since fire represents life on Survivor it's a better solution to a tied vote than a countback, but to my disappointment it was Danielle whose fire was too big to put out, and Cirie whose torch was therefore snuffed. I've really enjoyed watching Cirie play the game, and if I ever get my hands on a US passport and a spot on the show she's my role model.

Back at camp the one-upmanship between Terry and Aras reached proportions almost as absurd as Danielle's cleavage (which you may have noticed sits in exactly the same spot on her chest whether or not she's wearing a bra: definitely fake). Terry caught more fish, but the three Aras caught were all bigger. And prettier. Terry got out the idol to prove he had it all the way along. They admired how much its hair looks like Shane's.

In a surprise departure from format an extra reward challenge was thrown in, which is what they tried to trick us with on the ad with all that running around. Terry, Aras and Danielle had to solve a couple of puzzles to collect bags of pegs, then use the pegs to rock climb up a steep slope and – of course – raise a flag. Terry came from behind to win a protein- and carbohydrate- rich meal plus a camp stretcher and pillows to get him in peak physical condition for the traditional final three endurance challenge. He also got to look smug, which was probably even more important to him.

Aras and Danielle went back to camp and ate all the fish, so the three of them had full tummies for maximum barfing during the awful walk down memory lane. This year each dearly departed got to voice-over their own montage with what they've learnt about themselves, which spared the three finalists from not having to say anything at all in the many instances where they couldn’t say something nice.

The producers have learnt from the disasters of final three challenges past, and created something that took endurance but also lasted less than an hour. Survivors had to balance on a marine-grade plywood hexagon for 15 minutes without using their hands or feet or falling off. In each round the lily pad was a bit smaller, making it harder to stay upright on. Terry never really got his balance on the third one, while Danielle's lighter body weight and efficient cantilever augmentation made a genuine difference and eventually won her the challenge and the right to choose whom to take to the final two.

Terry and Aras each used a very different style of campaigning on her. Terry went a gentler and more flattering "you do whatever you think is best" approach, while Aras employed flat out guilt and threats. She said she couldn’t make up her mind because she's a Gemini. Whatever.

In the end brute force won out, so Terry had to endure the dual indignities of a) failing to win the only challenge that really counts, and b) losing to not one but two 24-year-olds. The horror, the horror.

Aras started the traditional "burn everything at camp that's not nailed down" the second he and Danielle got back from Tribal Council that night, and created a bonfire of such ferocity that they couldn't sit anywhere near it. The next morning the producers kindly provided a champagne breakfast with eggs and pancakes and, most importantly, champagne. It's a little sad to see them resorting to the Big Brother trick of getting contestants liquored up to make things more interesting, but it paid off when Aras and Danielle went for a walk along the rocks and he slipped, landing not only on his coccyx but a bottle which was almost as smashed as its victim. He needed stitches in both his back and his hand, while Danielle tried to get the emergency medical team to dope him up with something that would last at least through Tribal Council. Hey look at that! Danielle made a joke!

Ah, the final Tribal Council and the climax of the entire series. Shane had finally shaved, but was wearing a hippy caftan that he may well have borrowed from Courtney. In their opening addresses to the Jury, Aras and Danielle both had the usual platitudes coming out of their mouths, but he was subtly holding up his bandaged hand like a hurt puppy and she was not so subtly leaning forward to display her best assets.

It was absolutely no surprise at all that Sally, Austin and Cirie all asked thoughtful and considered questions, while Bruce, Terry, Courtney and Shane used the flickering embers of their 15 minutes to embarrass themselves again. In a stale trick, Shane asked each of them to pick a number between one and a million. Aras said "four" and Danielle said "ten", both of which were safe bets since Shane was unlikely to choose a number where he'd have to actually calculate who was closer, and he possibly can't count past twenty at any rate.

Following the vote, Jeff headed off into the undergrowth and emerged in front of the live studio audience in New York for a finale which was filmed live all those weeks ago and we only get to see now that half of us have accidentally heard who won. With Danielle only able to score votes from Bruce and Cirie the million dollars goes to Aras, along with some very timely advice to him to pay his taxes.

Jeff used the one hour break during CSI to change out of his Steve Irwin costume and into a natty baby blue sweater and black pant combo. Danielle was also dressed out of character, in a jacket over a ruffled shirt that showed no flesh at all. Either she's embarrassed by the way she was portrayed on the show, or there's a non-disclosure clause in the contract for a bikini shoot she's bound to have signed with a lads' mag. Yeah I'm being harsh, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that it's not Penthouse.

Aras might have won the official prize, but Cirie was the real winner. Her fellow Survivors all respect her so much more after watching the show and learning of her behind-the-scenes puppetry that Terry had a fishing trophy for her. Better still, Jeff had the keys to a GMC Yukon based on the outcome of a viewer poll for favourite. You go girl!

Shane also starred, with much conversation about his "rubber room" moments, his extreme quit smoking campaign, and the fact that Boston does have a mother whose name is "Bird". Nobody mentioned the weird schoolboy outfit he'd chosen to wear to the reunion, although perhaps that was implicitly covered in the "rubber room" segment.

We got to find out more about the death of Tina's son just before she was due to appear on Survivor Guatemala, and Austin explained how one wet and miserable night stuck on Exile Island with Danielle made him rediscover his religion. Those in the back row each got a token 25 words or less in which to describe what we didn't get to see of them on the show, and as soon as that was mercifully over we had the seriously exciting preview for Survivor Cook Islands.

Again, it has been my great pleasure to inflict my obsession on you all, and congratulations to the winners of all the office sweeps. Now grab your torches and head back to camp.

Survivor Panama - Exile Island: week 14

TO BE CONTINUED…

One of the ugliest phrases on TV, and one I never thought Survivor's producers would ever stoop to utter. That's right: nobody got voted off last night!!

For an atheist I actually quite enjoy a good church service. The ritual and recitation of familiar phrases can be incredibly soothing, with a sermon, a few readings and a couple of hymns (but only from a prescribed list) providing variety. I've always believed that's part of Survivor's success in appealing to something deep within us all: the ceremonial ratio of ritual and scheduled spontaneity. If you don't believe me, how about this for an order of service:
1. Review of previous week's episode
2. Opening credits
3. This week's scenes of life around camp
4. Reward challenge, where Father Jeff is guaranteed to utter every one of the following lines:

• C'mon in guys!
• You guys ready for today's challenge?
• Wanna know what you're playing for?
• Worth playing for?
• We'll draw for spots/teams and get started
• Survivors GO!
• [Name] wins reward!

5. Scenes from back at camp after the challenge
6. Immunity Challenge (including many of the lines above)
7. Scenes back at camp as Survivors negotiate who to vote for
8. Tribal Council, where Father Jeff is guaranteed to utter every one of the following lines [this is the late-season version: delete references to immunity and jury in episodes 1-8 inclusive]:

• I'll now bring in the members of our Jury;
• OK, let's get to the vote.
• [Name of person with immunity] is the only person you cannot vote for.
• OK it's time to vote. [Name of person sitting bottom left of screen]: you're up.
• I'll go tally the votes
• Once the votes are read the decision is final. The person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately.
• I'll read out the votes. [In final episode, substitute "I’ll read out the vote"]
• The [nth] person voted out of Survivor is …

There is no TO BE CONTINUED!

I've had my say now so I'll pipe down and fill in this week's variables, but before I do can I just point out that in the review of last week's episode we got a montage of Shane hugging and kissing his son during the loved ones' visit. Either he needs to cut the apron strings a bit, or his son is also a chain smoker and his clothes and skin are impregnated with nicotine, because the similarities between the way Shane handled Boston, and the way he handled that ciggie he scabbed off a villager in episode seven, were disturbingly similar.

I think something must have happened to Terry when he was 24. That's how old both Aras and Danielle are, and he keeps going on and on and on about how 24 year olds are supposed to behave. This week he declared that he didn't come here to make friends with 24 year olds, and last week saw his sermon about how seeing your mom doesn't matter to a 24 year old. Apparently he doesn't want to make friends with 35 year olds either, because Cirie copped a serve for leaving her torch in his path. Grumpy 46 year old man or what!

The reward challenge involved running around counting rocks, poles, shells, dead fish and some very much live-and-moving crabs and iguanas. The counts then provided the combinations for three padlocks, which had to be opened to release a winning flag. The added complication was that Survivors were clipped to ropes and had to navigate past each other. Terry did pretty well considering everyone else actively ganged up on him, plus he apparently missed hearing one of the rules and did more work than he had to. Lots of people think Terry's a bit of a hero, but when complaining to Jeff about it he sounded like a sook and a dobber and a bad loser to me.

Aras won an overnight trip through the Panama Canal on a massive motor yacht and took Cirie with him. The food, shower and sleep in a decent bed helped his physical performance in the immunity challenge two days later, but too late to stop him from clumsily making a toast with her to "the final three". "Don't you mean the final two?" "Yeah, yeah, the final two!" That's OK Aras; I'd also be more confident of beating Danielle than Cirie in the final two.

His other mistake was to ask Terry if he was going to "say something bad about women" when calling him a sore loser at the end of the reward challenge. Two days, a stint on Exile Island with Danielle and the Immunity Challenge later, Terry was still seething over it. He told Aras he had to apologise before they could negotiate any kind of truce, and Aras made such an abject and entirely sincere apology that it took Terry by enough surprise to leave him silent and not knowing quite what to say next. Go Aras!

The Immunity Challenge involved yet more digging in sand for a bag. These ones contained puzzle pieces, with each completed puzzle providing the coordinates for the next bag. For once somebody other than Terry won, so it was Immunity Idol - Terry and Immunity Necklace - Aras leading into Tribal Council.

Of course, first we had to go through the drama of the producers trying to confuse us about who everyone was planning to vote for. Danielle's time on Exile Island with Terry had included him showing her the idol in his ongoing desperation to form an alliance, and led to her declaring – without the slightest hint of irony – " It's 100%, and I know that he's possibly going to let me use it."

Both Aras and Terry spent the afternoon coaching Cirie and Danielle respectively in the art of fire lighting, ready for a tied-vote showdown and a competition to decide who would go home. At Tribal Council Jeff pointed out the neat coincidence that one member of each of the young/old/male/female tribes had made it to the final four. Judging by the dramatic eye rolls and tongue poking, Shane has obviously updated Courtney that Danielle had voted her out. Shane himself looks somehow even more unkempt than he did back at camp, and has apparently forgotten a) how to do up his shirt, and b) that it's inappropriate to wear a beanie in an equatorial country. He's not even slightly fly for a white guy.

And that was it. Terry hadn't shared the Immunity Idol with Danielle, and while Jeff was very clear that it's now out of play he didn't let on whether or not Terry gets to keep it. Cirie and Danielle got two votes each and were sent to sit behind two conveniently ready arson kits when suddenly those words, which I shall not repeat, flashed up on screen.

Next week is the big finale when we find out who goes through to the final three and who ultimately wins the million dollars. In an additional break from tradition it looks like the final challenge involves running instead of just who-can-stand-still-the-longest. If they're going to tamper with the formula, please – PLEASE - let them also get rid of that ghastly stroll down memory lane.

Survivor Panama - Exile Island: week 13

Here's just a small selection of the incorrect statements Shane made this week:

• To Cirie: " Me, you and Aras have the numbers now."
• To camera: "There's five of us left now. Danielle goes next, and then we're in the final four."
• To the rest of the tribe: "I'm so glad that chick [Courtney] is gone. It couldn't have happened to a loopier broad." (OK well that's technically true, but only because Shane – while undeniably loopier than Courtney – is biologically male, as confirmed by Cirie's medical examination of what's in his perma-moist underpants).
• To Terry: "Danielle's depressed because she knows she's next." And later, "I'd like to see you and me in the final two."
• To Cirie: "You, Danielle and Aras aren't dicking me: correct!? OK I fell pretty good. We're good to the three."
• To camera: "I'm in a great space. I've set myself up so that I'm safe, and I feel like at this point I could beat anybody."
• To Jeff at Tribal Council: "I've not lied to anyone. I've not cheated anyone. My integrity is 100% intact."

Other stuff happened this week, too. For a start we had the reward and immunity challenges, where Shane comes last as often as Terry wins. The reward challenge involved bits of previous challenges, starting with the one where Survivors had to dig up a pillow buried in the sand beneath a hexagon. The first four over a finish line went through to the next round: Shane didn't. Next they had to untie one of the big timber snakes from week 2 and carry it and the bag over a finish line. That knocked Cirie out, so only Aras, Danielle and of course Terry competed in the leg to untie a huge fish from the middle of a pond and carry it, the bag and the snake over a finish line. Running out of hands, Terry actually carried the fish by the tail in his mouth. Maybe nobody told him it wasn't the gross food challenge (which seems to have peaked and expired with the Balut in Palau). Finally Terry and Aras had to carry the bag, the snake and the fish through a maze of tunnels and towers, and still be willing to kiss their loved ones at the end.

Yes, the loved ones were there in person. Terry's reward was that he got to decide how to share out the love, but it was more about sharing out the punishment for those he thinks are working hardest against him. Aras was allowed to at least hug his mom, but Danielle and her mom only got to wave and call out inanities to each other before Danielle was sent to Exile Island for a few days. Cirie, who really is cruising under the radar, got to take her husband back to camp for a night of outdoor horror and slavery. Terry naturally took his wife on the conjugal visit, and invited Shane and his son Boston to also share in the overnight stay at a two-bedroom villa with a very well stocked fridge.

Boston has clearly inherited his father's tiny attention span. Well, either that or he was actually listening to Shane's minute-by-minute description of the previous 33 days and was just bored. Either is possible. What was absolutely indisputable is that he's inherited his father's knack for being vastly wrong: "I think my dad's doing really well in the game, 'cause he knows how to play the game and he's really smart and athletic." Fortunately we were spared their farewell, although we did have to sit through a whole lot of jokes about the sleep to 'snuggling' ratio Terry and his wife managed for the night.

Cirie's husband is even more of a city slicker than she is, if that's possible. How else can we explain his duck and cover reaction to the sound of a stick cracking in the fire. There's not too many cars at camp from which to commit a drive-by. After recoiling in horror at the level of suspended particulate in their drinking water ("What are you gonna do with that; drink it? I thought that was the basin y'all washed your feet in!") he spent the rest of the time hauling the stuff back to camp, as well as gathering firewood, scaling fish and not complaining about it too much.

The TV guide description for this week read "A fight between two castaways leads one to learn something important about the other." Aras learned that Terry thinks a wife's love is more important than a mom's. Aras pointed out that his mom is his 'rock' in the absence of a wife. They both got defensive and glared at each other over the fire. Cirie sat and watched, absorbed everything and said nothing, as she usually does. Hardly a fight, and she did all the learning.

The immunity challenge put each Survivor on top of a twenty foot high pole out at sea, trying to use a bucket on a rope to pour enough water in a tube to raise a flag. Shane came last and Terry won, but then Shane had completely misunderstood the instructions and was pouring water into the wrong hole.

With the immunity bauble around his neck yet again and the individual immunity idol in his bag, Terry is now guaranteed a place in the final three. Either the others still don't believe he's got the idol or they haven't done the math, but there is still absolute certainty in the mind of each person that their own alliance will make up the final three, and since most of those alliances don't include Terry someone is about to be rather disappointed.

As a contrast to Shane's rubbish, Aras made one of the most accurate statements ever heard at Tribal Council when asked about Terry's unchallenged ownership of the immunity necklace: "The challenges are just one part of the game. You can win all the challenges you want, but if you don't win the people over you don't win the million dollars."

As you probably guessed by now, Shane won't be winning anything. It was hard to tell whose face betrayed the most emotion: Shane's shock at being voted out, Captain Terry's fury that the crew disobeyed him yet again, or Courtney's realisation that she's now sequestered in the jury's hotel with Shane.