Survivor Palau: week 1

And they’re racing in the 2005 Survivor Palau office sweep!

The game started with twenty castaways in a lifeboat having to decide the fastest way to get to shore and the immunity necklaces waiting for the first man and woman; stay in the boat and help row closer or get an early start by swimming? Jonathan and Stephanie relied on their brawn but should have used their brains instead because the boat, now about 130kg lighter, shot away and left them floundering.

Wanda also effectively signed her own death warrant with the announcement, "I’ve written a bunch of songs for Survivor!" and a demonstration at a captive audience. Not long after – coincidence? - everyone dived overboard, resulting in some very unflattering camera angles, so I’d like to dob Channel 9 into the ACCC for breaching section 53 of the Trade Practices Act by claiming that this is "the sexiest bunch of Survivors ever".

Jolanda and Jeff were first to shore, but nobody was quite certain from precisely what that made them immune. Tom the NYC firefighter refused to help start a fire. Coby the hairstylist accessorised his pink shirt into a loincloth and started bitching. Janu the Las Vegas showgirl helped with the shelter by scaling a palm tree (she claimed to be an experienced rock climber, but watching the confidence with which she wrapped both legs around a pole it was probably vocational – not vacational – experience she was putting to use). Jolanda the lawyer ate a live grasshopper. Just another day in the office, really.

Host Jeff arrived and announced that the two tribes of nine would be determined by a good old fashioned school yard team pick, with the last two being out of the game before it even really began. Angie, with a butterfly tattoo across the entire span of her decolletage, looked like she had plenty of experience being picked last for sports, but she was lucky this time. Jonathan survived testicular cancer but couldn’t survive Coby’s machinations or the disgrace of being the first to jump out of the lifeboat, and Wanda justified her exclusion with an encore performance of her Survivor sea shanty.

At the combined reward/immunity challenge the teams had to carry any or all of four heavily weighted survival items through a maze with them. Koror cleverly decided to take just the fire-starting kit, allowing them to travel light and quickly take the lead. Ulong never recovered from Jolanda’s insistence that they take all four items, so Koror got to keep their fire kit for the entire twenty minutes between winning immunity and flipping their outrigger on a freak wave.

Jolanda also had fire for about twenty minutes before her tribe voted her out 6 to 3 and her torch was extinguished with a snuffer fashioned from the landing gear of one of the WWII US military wrecks with which Palau – and the tribal council set – is littered. She’d been too greedy in the challenge, too bossy at camp, and too willing to walk around in thong underwear. Eating the grasshopper probably didn’t help much, either.

The rules clearly stated that the last place $5 refund goes to the person whose Survivor is "first voted off". Unfortunately for Georgia and Ian, Wanda and Jonathan just weren’t picked at all so they weren’t actually "voted off"; that glory goes to Jolanda, and Pat gets his money back.
Be watching next week for rats, rain and romance. Well, that’s what they’re promising in the ad but a week’s a long time in the editing suite, so who knows what’ll actually happen.

Survivor Palau: pre-show form guide

Here are some snap judgements about people I don’t know based on dodgy stereotypes.

Angie: 24, Bartender. Has 11 tattoos, so token wild child. Headed for an early exit for being too outspoken.

Ashlee: 22, Student. Token Mormon (see The Amazing Race). Will struggle physically and may be voted off in sympathy.

Bobby Jon: 27, Waiter. Cosmo’s 2003 "Most Eligible Bachelor" in Alabama – wow. Will do well on the women’s vote.

Caryn: 46, Civil Rights Attorney. Likely to be a hard-core player, but that could go against her like Ami last year.

Coby: 32, Hairstylist. Presumably the token homosexual. Will give the best one-on-one interviews. Has jury potential.

Gregg: 28, Business Consultant. Was high school quarterback and team captain. Will be too strong in the individual challenges to be kept around.

Ian: 23, Dolphin Trainer. No comment.

Ibrehim: 27, Waiter. Has also done modelling and acting. The boring, quiet one who goes early and nobody remembers.

James: 33, Steelworker. Token blue collar battler. Based on Chris’s performance last year could be a chance for the final five.

Janu: 39, Las Vegas Showgirl. "I’m a dancer, not a stripper!" A 39 year old showgirl doesn’t know when to quit, so may do better than form suggests.

Jeff: 21, Personal Trainer. Super fit so will do well until his dominance in the individual challenges becomes a threat.

Jennifer: 32, Nanny. The sweet, quiet one. Will go far if she stays under the radar and pulls her weight around camp.

Jolanda: 39, Lawyer. Token ethnic minority. Had a tragic upbringing so is either a genuine survivor or will annoy by playing the victim.

Jonathan: 23, Sales & Marketing. Had testicular cancer in 2003. Not sure if he’s also an amputee, but still qualifies as this year’s Chad. On the jury, won’t win.

Katie: 29, Advertising Exec. Provided one of the most boring and least revealing bios. First one to go after the tribes merge.

Kim: 25, Graduate Student. Politics major, so will either do the scheming well or make an utter fool of herself: the latter will be much better TV.

Stephanie: 25, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. Token young, good-looking drug company rep; there’s always at least one. Will do well on the physical stuff.

Tom: 41, NYC Firefighter. Token hero. Others may be reluctant to vote him out too early as a result, so could do quite well.

Wanda: 55, English Teacher. Will be kept to the end for her work ethic. Might make the final three, but won’t be taken to the final two if she gets there.

Willard: 57, Lawyer. Sniper in Vietnam then joined the Postal Service. Should really be treated with kid gloves, but will go early for losing a team challenge.