Survivor Cook Islands: week 12

Last week was all about Candice, but this week it was Parvati’s turn to shine. And squeal. Seriously, it was a very impressive array of emotions that she managed to display without the use of consonants.

As predicted, she and Adam were arm in arm by the time they got back to camp from the Tribal Council where Candice – his girlfriend and her best friend – had just been voted out. It was kind of like Paris Hilton hooking up with K-Fed, or something equally vacuous.

The squealing started when Parvati, who has to, like, work around camp because she is, like, in the minority now, sliced her thumb open with a rusty machete while cutting coconuts. Lucky she never bothered with a machete in the early days while it was still sharp or she’d have cut her thumb off completely. The medical team were called in, and to everyone’s horror they were quite happy to stitch it up in a deft piece of field surgery. Princess Parvati didn’t want her pinky to be patched in the dirty old jungle, while everyone else seemed to hope she’d be taken away never to return.

The next squeals came when she won the Reward Challenge. Jeff’s description of the challenge had a greater density of "But Wait There’s More!" moments than a Demtel ad. The original instruction was that Survivors simply had to scoop up sea water to fill a bucket and, of course, raise a flag. The next layer of detail was to bring out the Loved Ones and announce that they’d also be participating. I was so hoping Adam would have a wife or girlfriend stroll out of the jungle, just to prove him the cad I’ve always suspected him of being, but it was just his Dad. Next was the news that Survivors would have to throw water from their bucket to their Loved One’s bucket across a two meter gap, and finally the ultimate indignity that the Survivors would be blindfolded. Hey, stop complaining Loved Ones; some of your predecessors had to do the gross food challenge.

Jonathan’s wife quickly realised she was catching more water in her shirt and hair than in the bucket and started squeezing those out as well, but she wasn’t absorbent enough to win. As victor, Parvati’s dad got to choose two other Loved Ones and their Survivors to join them on the reward of a tribal village visit and picnic pig-out (more squealing from Parvati), with no political input from his daughter but lots of pleading looks from everyone else. At least now he’s met his daughter’s new boyfriend.

As co-victor, Parvati got to choose who spent a few days on Exile Island and had no hesitation in picking Jonathan. She later described it as a strategic move to show the others how good life in camp would be without him, but that might be 20/20 hindsight repackaged as insight for the benefit of the cameras.

What it clearly did show, however, was what the last few days for Yul, Becky and Ozzy will be like when they’re the final three. We all know it will be them because Yul has the immunity idol, Becky has Yul, and Ozzy is just a freak in the challenges. This week he’d done both laps of the boo-eee and marine-grade plywood obstacle course before most of the girls were even half way through their first, culminating in a coccyx-shattering tumble from Sundra that’s a shoe-in for the finals of Cook Islands’ Funniest Home Videos.

The cool mood change when Jonathan returned from Exile Island in time for the immunity challenge was noticeable, but back at camp it was a cold snap like Christmas Day in Melbourne every time he spoke. When Jeff asked whether anyone other than Ozzy felt concerned at not having immunity only three people reacted: Adam and Parvati raised their hands, and Jonathan leered and gloated. He smiled all the way through Tribal Council, although not as much as Candice was smiling at Adam (and was it just me, or did anyone else think she actually looked WORSE after a bath and wearing make up than she did au naturale at camp?)

It was one of the most predictable Tribal Councils ever. Jonathan and Adam kept up a fine and noble tradition of name calling, with the Jury cheering at everything Adam said, and Jeff stuck to his script to the point of pretending not to know Yul has the immunity idol even though it had just been discussed. Most predictable of all, Jonathan got voted out in a landslide and was indignant and spiteful in defeat.

With only six Survivors and a handful of episodes left this season, it’s now well and truly down to business. Next week looks like the start of the alliance collapses, which is always fun. There’s the cursed car to give away, and I’m still holding out hope for another gross food challenge. It’s been way too long, and it would really give Parvati something to squeal about.

Survivor Cook Islands: week 11

MEMO
From: Tess
To: Candice
Subject: You're an idiot!

Dear Candice,

I’m glad you got voted off this week, an opinion which many other people would share if it weren’t for the fact that I’m possibly the only person in the country still bothering to stay up that late to watch the show.

You looked so smart on paper and such high pre-season potential. We all felt a bit sorry for you with the whole Billy "I Love You" crush thing. That was pretty embarrassing, but so was watching you then mouth the same words to Adam across Tribal Council a few weeks later.

We all felt a bit sorry for you when you got sent to Exile Island the first time. I had a slight twinge of sympathy when you got sent the second time, although that was just after the mutiny so you kind of deserved it. The third time you cried a lot because you were sad that people who you liked were being so mean to you. That’s because you were mean to them first. It’s called "cause and effect".

This week’s reward challenge was the auction, and Becky was able to outbid you on an item that would "give power in the game". She was able to do that because her platonic friend Yul was happy to lend her more money than your boyfriend was willing to give you. That kind of says something about how much Adam respects you. Becky’s reward was the right to take all your money AND send you back to Exile Island again. You cried a lot, said you needed a hug, and that the isolation of being there for a few hours with nothing but the camera crew for company was driving you almost to breaking point. David Hicks feels your pain.

I suppose Jonathan was a bit of a turncoat swapping sides to the other alliance, but don’t forget that you’ve been secretly campaigning against him for a while now. You might think he’s arrogant, but what he did bought him another couple of weeks in the game, which makes it a smart move. Another word for it might be something like, oh, maybe "Survival."

Speaking of survival, some of the basic elements include food and water. Food means catching fish and collecting enough firewood to cook that fish. Water means collecting the water from the source, gathering even more wood and keeping a fire going long enough to boil that water and purify it. Sure, shelter is another key element of survival but I don’t think "shelter" means laying about in the tent making out with Adam, while Parvati hangs around to form a very creepy quasi ménage à trois.

One of this week’s best scenes was the bit where the other five were too tired from catching fish, cleaning them, collecting firewood and doing all the cooking to walk up to the tent and let Your Highness know dinner was ready. Well that’s not strictly true: they’d actually just had enough of your laziness and made a conscious decision not to invite you to share the fish you'd had no part in acquiring. Here’s three interesting points which seemed to escape your notice:

1. if you’d been involved in the food’s preparation you’d have known it was ready;
2. perhaps you, Adam and Parvati had the tent rockin’ so much the others were reluctant to do any knockin’; and
3. it’s interesting how Adam and Parvati let you challenge the other five alone without any backup.

Granted, the three of you did surprisingly well in the immunity challenge this week, especially Parvati who won the first round and Adam who won the necklace and immunity (especially since math was involved). It probably would have been more impressive to see that sort of effort earlier in the game, not just when absolute self interest is at stake.

Yul is such a cool guy. It was cool the way he used the immunity idol last week to switch the game up by getting Jonathan to change sides. It was funny hearing you and Parvati tell Jonathan he was lying when he informed you that Yul has the idol. And it was absolutely hysterical when you declared in front of everyone that you were going to find it during your fourth stay on Exile Island and Yul just pulled it out of his bag. He's so cool.

Everyone now just assumes that Yul will be in the final two, and it was interesting the way your alliance offered to sell him all three of its jury votes if he’d agree to get rid of Jonathan. For a while there it looked like he might even do it. Do you think what changed his mind was the bit where you told Jonathan that Yul thinks he’s selfish and predictable, in front of the rest of the tribe? Personally I’d like to think Yul saw through you long before that, but there’s no doubting that little outburst sealed the deal.

That massive smooch you had with Adam as you collected your torch was undignified (although the way Nate was grinning and staring with his eyes bugging out of his head was just plain creepy). Jeff commented while he snuffed out your torch, "A kiss is nice, but maybe if it were love Adam would have given you the immunity necklace." It was one of the truest observations made this week, and you completely ignored it. Maybe you’ll remember it when the whole world gets to see next week how much (or how little!) Adam is pining for you, and how much comfort and succour he's getting from Parvati.

Yours sincerely,
Tess

Survivor Cook Islands: week 10

This is turning into a cracker of a series, which kind of makes the staying up worth it. The best part is that it’s probably going to get even better.

It was an inauspicious start with Jonathan yet again doing all the housework for the rest of the frat house, which is essentially what the Raro campsite has turned into thanks to Adam, Candice, Nate and Parvati prancing about like an ad for Tommy Hilfiger’s latest. He tried to rev them up, but why get excited about collecting firewood and water when everyone knows Jonathan will do it anyway if nobody else does.

Luckily for Jonathan the reward challenge was cancelled in favour of the merge, which was accompanied by new – and, more importantly to him, clean – buffs. Also on offer was the semi-traditional merge feast, held this time on a traditional Cook Island catamaran. The feast was matched with complimentary alcohol in quantities only limited by the size of Adam and Nate’s bladders. Adam seemed to spend the later stages of the journey leaning over the stern with his head almost down in the water. And no, I don’t believe he was looking for fish. The water clarity probably wasn’t that great by the time he stopped anyway.

Between scenes of Adam and Parvati flirting and caressing shamelessly in the shelter, and scenes of Adam and Candice flirting and kissing shamelessly in the jungle, there was an immunity challenge. Survivors had to hold onto a pole for as long as possible, with only some rope as a toe hold. Adam lasted 9 minutes, with Jonathan and Nate not far behind. By comparison, Sundra was the first of the girls to give up at a respectable 32 minutes with Ozzy finally beating out Candice after two and a quarter hours up there. The guy is apparently a freak on land as well as in the water.

Also straddling the immunity challenge was Yul’s attempts to get Jonathan back to Aitu’s faction. A few hypothetical discussions about trust and possession of the immunity idol softened Jonathan from his initial avowal that he’d never betray Raro. Some or all of the following comments from Yul probably helped, too:

1. I have the immunity idol and if Raro votes for me I’ll use it to save myself.
   
2. If you don’t join our alliance, I’ll make sure that Aitu all vote for you so you’ll have the next highest number of votes and will be sent home.
   
3. I want to take you to the final two because I know I can beat you.

$100,000 as runner up is better than nothing, so Jonathan didn’t have a whole lot of choices and he knew it. He’s already betrayed Aitu with his mutiny, and while rejoining them looked to be his best hope of surviving a bit longer in the game it meant betraying the few remaining people left in the game whom he hadn’t betrayed already. And don’t forget that he stole that chicken in week 1. He used some choice words to describe his situation, which must have slipped past the producers who were busy wielding the pixelation machine for every time either the front of Nate’s pants or the rear of Ozzy’s appeared on screen.

In a very unusual move, not one vote or comment was shown to us on the couch out in TV land, which made the "has he or hasn’t he" tension about Jonathan’s vote rather fabulous right through the poorly-timed ad break. Yul and Nate also had to wait through all nine votes to see who got peel his hands off his eyes and lift them above his head in triumph and relief. Fortunately for the rest of the season that was Yul, and Nate slunk off into the night to begin a video message that was little more than a barrage of vitriol aimed at Jonathan for his betrayal. The looks Jonathan was getting from Adam, Parvati and Candice were silent but no less furious. It’s very clear that they won’t remain silent for long, so next week’s episode should be fantastic since none of them seems to have the nous to shut up and regroup. And we all know what great TV that makes.