So it's all over for another season, and the faithful get their Friday nights back. In the best possible way, the theme for the final episode was tradition and keeping strictly to the prayer book and the established rituals.
The final four of Danni, Stephanie, Rafe and particularly Latina Lydia were treated to a visit from a Mayan family, who charmingly waved some incense around, blessed the campsite and then ripped the head off a live chicken before throwing it into a sacrificial fire. Rafe chose not to eat the chicken, but got just as wet as the girls who did after the gods sought their revenge by sending a massive thunderstorm. Well, that’s what it sounded like Stephanie was fervently apologising to them for, anyway!
The immunity challenge was set in the biggest maze yet built for Survivor. This one was in the shape of a Mayan eagle motif, and the only question was whether it took the production crew longer to assemble it or clear the hectares of virgin jungle on which it stood. Survivors had to find eight puzzle pieces from different locations in the maze, then bring them back one-by-one across a pond full of marine-grade plywood pontoons and up a rope ladder to the assembly area. With Lydia at a natural disadvantage as the only one too short to see over the partitions, it came down to a race between Stephanie, Rafe and Danni. Rafe won, and it then became a race to see whether Danni or Steph could leverage the most out of their alliance with him using his natural goodness and decency as the pivot point.
At Tribal Council the talk was all about the chicken, except for the bits where Stephanie and Danni subtly undermined each other in front of the rest of the jury. Lydia's outfit, as usual, was far too clean and neatly pressed to be able to convince anyone that she'd been working hard at the challenges, and she was voted out unanimously in a surprising decision that left the three toughest to fight it out among themselves.
One of the worst parts of making it to the final three is having to do the walk down memory lane and pretend to remember anything about those voted out early or try to say something nice about those voted out mid-season. While some weird black and white sketches of each person were ritualistically put in a fire we got some archival footage of that person (so we could remember what they really looked like, because the sketches were very little help) and their thoughts on the game. Judd actually claimed that the jungle had calmed him down, which is slightly terrifying.
The final three immunity challenge is ALWAYS a test of sheer grit and determination. Having learnt from last year's utter debacle in Palau when they lasted over twelve hours, this challenge was designed to be unbeatable. Survivors had to stand on a wobble board with two ropes to hold onto for the first hour. For the next half hour they only had one rope to hold onto, and all ended up leaning against one of the poles behind them. After that it was "look Mom, no hands!", with Rafe pushing himself into a more comfortable position in a momentary mental blank, and instantly eliminating himself. Danni's longer legs made the difference, but Stephanie didn't give up until she'd slid all the way down the pole and was weeping with the pain in her back, which could have been either muscular or sever splinters.
Rafe's mental blank turned out to be not so momentary as he released Danni from a promise she'd made to take him to the final two. Interestingly it was a unilateral promise, and there had been no reciprocal obligation on Rafe to take Danni to the final two. She actually admitted that her afternoon would have been easier had he held her to the promise, but having to choose she took the competitor she was more likely to beat, and in the process guaranteed Stephanie at least $100,000. Of course first we had to go through a full tribal council, including Rafe relating the story of telling Danni to follow her heart, despite her promise. The jury members might not be allowed to speak verbally at this point, but their body language was screaming that they all thought Rafe was an idiot. He probably agreed after Jeff went through the usual ceremonial script – in its once-a-season singular form – and read out the vote against him.
Another end-of-season tradition is the arson attack on anything not nailed down at camp, which was still impressive despite everything being soaked and mouldy, including the remaining food. With their final interviews to camera, Steph and Danni revealed their jury interview strategies. Danni's was to be the All American Girl who is nice to everyone. Stephanie's was to point out to the jury that she deserves to win simply because she's in the final two, and they're not, so she's better than them. Hmmm.
Sure enough, Danni answered like the beauty pageant pro she is, and Stephanie got a little bit too defensive. The jury members stuck to previous form with their questions. Bobby Jon talked about pride; Gary demanded honesty; Cindy asked one of the best questions in Survivor jury history ("If you could eliminate one person from the jury, who would it be and why?"); Rafe talking about strategy, and Judd (who the producers saved for last) just rambled and "man'd" and called everyone else liars.
Judd seemed most upset at Stephanie for lying to his wife, and once again needs to consult his dictionary to understand that if Stephanie honestly believed she had a strong alliance with Judd during that conversation with Kristen, and only changed her mind after finding out the next day that Judd wanted to eliminate the strongest players, she wasn't lying. He'll get it one day. Maybe. It didn't seem that way when Jeff called him on it at the reunion.
It was missing last season, but this year we again got the cheesy footage of Jeff's allegedly direct flight by helicopter from Guatemala to Los Angeles, which took so long that everyone else beat him there and had time to regain most of the weight they'd lost. Since only one vote for Stephanie was read out we can probably assume safely that Rafe's was the only one she secured, so Danni won in a whitewash and collected a new car (sorry, a Pontiac Torrent) as well as the million dollars. I hope she spends part of it on nutritious food. If she doesn't she can always get a job in a high school biology lab as the skeleton.
As usual the reunion special was a collection of Survivor Guatemala's Most Embarrassing Home Videos to remind the idiots what idiots they made of themselves. We got to see the missing footage of Gary finding the individual immunity idol and some of his illustrious football career (which I'm sure he was more than happy to provide to the producers). The question was asked whether the vote would have been different had Cindy given everyone else the cars (sorry, Pontiac Torrents), and Blake was asked for his girlfriend's reaction to having her breast size boasted to the whole world.
We also got the preview for the next series, which will once again be set in Panama but with the twist of a solitary confinement "exile island" and some new tribe formation.
Once again it has been my absolute pleasure to inflict my obsession on you all, and I hope that you enjoyed the season as much as I did. Now grab your torches and head back to camp!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Survivor Guatemala: week 13
Considering how relieved everyone was after Jamie got voted out it's just surprising that it took them so long to get rid of Judd. The jaunty xylophone background music matched the new goofy and "slightly dorkier" (according to Rafe) ambience now that Mister Mood Swing has been relegated to the Jury. Lydia says Rafe is just one of the girls. Rafe prefers to think of them as his 'angels'. Either way they're all a bit shocked that the most challenging, physical Survivor ever has come down to four women and a gay man.
We were spared the crappy tree mail poem about the reward challenge this week. Instead the mail box just contained a set of car keys. The car reward has been a feature at this late stage of the game since the first series' ratings success left Detroit's finest tripping over themselves for a share of the product placement opportunities. This season it was a Pontiac Torrent that had everyone drooling and dreaming.
The challenge was a rehash of elements of previous challenges, including balancing while untying things, throwing war clubs to break tiles, arranging puzzle pieces to form a Maya astral calendar and rolling down the hill in a mine cart. As well as the car the winner got an overnight stay, BBQ, and in yet another reference to previous challenges the company of a real life archaeologist (who, for the record, looked absolutely nothing like Harrison Ford).
Cindy just pipped Stephanie at the winner's post, and got the car (sorry, the Pontiac Torrent). Naturally she got to choose someone to go on the reward with her, which is always tricky politically. She stuck to her past safe pattern of picking the runner up, but not before having to make an agonising choice. Jeff pointed out that in nine previous series, the winner of the car challenge has never gone on to win the million dollars. She had the option to possibly break the curse by giving up her Pontiac Torrent and letting the other four all get a Pontiac Torrent each instead. In the end she rationalised that the car isn't the curse, it's being a strong competitor, and that giving the others a car wouldn't guarantee her safety and might just leave her with nothing, so she kept the Pontiac Torrent for herself. I'm sure the fact the others hadn't told her they'd all decided to suddenly vote out Judd instead of Lydia - which pretty much proved she's on the outer edges of her alliance, and hadn't gone down well - had nothing at all to do with her decision.
There were two distinct reactions to Cindy's decision among the other four. Stephanie and Lydia both applauded, agreed with her decision and were happy for her. Rafe and Danni were stunned that she hadn't shared, and it showed on their faces and was the topic of much discussion between them back at camp. The result was a firm promise between Danni and Rafe to take each other through to the final three, but Danni sounds like she still isn't confident enough that she's completely shattered the old Yaxhá alliance yet, and Rafe might be a little too nice in trusting her so completely.
Meanwhile, after several minutes of footage showing how much fun it is to drive a Pontiac Torrent, Cindy and Stephanie arrived at the archaeologist's camp and their BBQ. Sure they cooked steak and sausages, but why on earth did they cook the corn on the cob? Have they not had enough corn to last a lifetime? Was there not more than enough other food?
Cindy's lapse of good judgement continued back at camp, where she spent what was edited to look like hours rabbiting on about her Pontiac Torrent, and how nice it is to drive, and how good the suspension is, and how much she liked the shape of the tail lights. She was convinced that nobody at camp seemed to have any qualms about her winning the car. Well, they might not have when she first arrived back, but they sure did by the time she'd finished rubbing it in.
The immunity challenge was also a rehash of previous challenge elements. Survivors were tied to a rope, then shackled at the hands and feet and given a set of ten keys which they had to use to undo locks at various stages through the course, and free up enough rope to reach the finish line. Stephanie managed to win her first ever individual immunity challenge, and I suspect it's her first ever individual challenge win at all. Either way she was so happy she burst into tears, and we got our first glimpse of the old Stephanie from Palau, not the angry, power-hungry bully we've had this season.
The afternoon's politicking reached a new level of frenzy back at camp. Cindy pushed to vote out Rafe as the biggest threat, because he's won both mental and physical challenges. Danni pushed to vote out Cindy as the biggest threat, because she's never betrayed anyone and would be too tough to beat in the final two as a result. Stephanie worried about breaking yet another alliance and once again voting out the person who had just shared their reward. Lydia kept her head down.
At Tribal Council, Bobby Jon was resplendent in a pink shirt and Judd looked clean and clean-shaven for a change but still exceedingly cross. He seemed delighted when Cindy was voted out 4-1, which is strange considering she was the only one not to vote for him the week before. Perhaps he was just admiring her style when she farewelled the others with the words, "I'll think about you guys while I’m watching the stars through the sunroof of my new car."
Remember that the final is on TV this Monday night at 8.30pm. We'll get to see who's in the final three, the jury interview (always good for a laugh), the results and the cheesy reunion. We should also get a preview of where the next series is being filmed, and perhaps even a hint as to who the new host will be now that Jeff is hanging up his cargo shorts. I just want to see Jeff and Phil Keoghan from The Amazing Race in tuxedos presenting an award at the Emmys one more time. Grrrrrrlllll!
We were spared the crappy tree mail poem about the reward challenge this week. Instead the mail box just contained a set of car keys. The car reward has been a feature at this late stage of the game since the first series' ratings success left Detroit's finest tripping over themselves for a share of the product placement opportunities. This season it was a Pontiac Torrent that had everyone drooling and dreaming.
The challenge was a rehash of elements of previous challenges, including balancing while untying things, throwing war clubs to break tiles, arranging puzzle pieces to form a Maya astral calendar and rolling down the hill in a mine cart. As well as the car the winner got an overnight stay, BBQ, and in yet another reference to previous challenges the company of a real life archaeologist (who, for the record, looked absolutely nothing like Harrison Ford).
Cindy just pipped Stephanie at the winner's post, and got the car (sorry, the Pontiac Torrent). Naturally she got to choose someone to go on the reward with her, which is always tricky politically. She stuck to her past safe pattern of picking the runner up, but not before having to make an agonising choice. Jeff pointed out that in nine previous series, the winner of the car challenge has never gone on to win the million dollars. She had the option to possibly break the curse by giving up her Pontiac Torrent and letting the other four all get a Pontiac Torrent each instead. In the end she rationalised that the car isn't the curse, it's being a strong competitor, and that giving the others a car wouldn't guarantee her safety and might just leave her with nothing, so she kept the Pontiac Torrent for herself. I'm sure the fact the others hadn't told her they'd all decided to suddenly vote out Judd instead of Lydia - which pretty much proved she's on the outer edges of her alliance, and hadn't gone down well - had nothing at all to do with her decision.
There were two distinct reactions to Cindy's decision among the other four. Stephanie and Lydia both applauded, agreed with her decision and were happy for her. Rafe and Danni were stunned that she hadn't shared, and it showed on their faces and was the topic of much discussion between them back at camp. The result was a firm promise between Danni and Rafe to take each other through to the final three, but Danni sounds like she still isn't confident enough that she's completely shattered the old Yaxhá alliance yet, and Rafe might be a little too nice in trusting her so completely.
Meanwhile, after several minutes of footage showing how much fun it is to drive a Pontiac Torrent, Cindy and Stephanie arrived at the archaeologist's camp and their BBQ. Sure they cooked steak and sausages, but why on earth did they cook the corn on the cob? Have they not had enough corn to last a lifetime? Was there not more than enough other food?
Cindy's lapse of good judgement continued back at camp, where she spent what was edited to look like hours rabbiting on about her Pontiac Torrent, and how nice it is to drive, and how good the suspension is, and how much she liked the shape of the tail lights. She was convinced that nobody at camp seemed to have any qualms about her winning the car. Well, they might not have when she first arrived back, but they sure did by the time she'd finished rubbing it in.
The immunity challenge was also a rehash of previous challenge elements. Survivors were tied to a rope, then shackled at the hands and feet and given a set of ten keys which they had to use to undo locks at various stages through the course, and free up enough rope to reach the finish line. Stephanie managed to win her first ever individual immunity challenge, and I suspect it's her first ever individual challenge win at all. Either way she was so happy she burst into tears, and we got our first glimpse of the old Stephanie from Palau, not the angry, power-hungry bully we've had this season.
The afternoon's politicking reached a new level of frenzy back at camp. Cindy pushed to vote out Rafe as the biggest threat, because he's won both mental and physical challenges. Danni pushed to vote out Cindy as the biggest threat, because she's never betrayed anyone and would be too tough to beat in the final two as a result. Stephanie worried about breaking yet another alliance and once again voting out the person who had just shared their reward. Lydia kept her head down.
At Tribal Council, Bobby Jon was resplendent in a pink shirt and Judd looked clean and clean-shaven for a change but still exceedingly cross. He seemed delighted when Cindy was voted out 4-1, which is strange considering she was the only one not to vote for him the week before. Perhaps he was just admiring her style when she farewelled the others with the words, "I'll think about you guys while I’m watching the stars through the sunroof of my new car."
Remember that the final is on TV this Monday night at 8.30pm. We'll get to see who's in the final three, the jury interview (always good for a laugh), the results and the cheesy reunion. We should also get a preview of where the next series is being filmed, and perhaps even a hint as to who the new host will be now that Jeff is hanging up his cargo shorts. I just want to see Jeff and Phil Keoghan from The Amazing Race in tuxedos presenting an award at the Emmys one more time. Grrrrrrlllll!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Survivor Guatemala: week 12
Well it's day 31 and only six Survivors left, all of whom are treading very carefully. Despite Judd having been outed as someone who willingly lies without provocation, everyone is ignoring it and saying nothing. Fortunately Judd had plenty to say by the end of the episode, but we'll get to that later.
The reward challenge was the classic Survivor auction, but with a couple of twists. The first is that Jeff didn't end his explanation of the challenge with the words, "Worth playing for?", which in itself was unusual. The auction opened with Danni paying $20 for a plate of beef jerky, Cindy paying $40 for a plate of cookies and a glass of milk, and Lydia – who you'll remember has been bitching and moaning non-stop about how hungry she is – spent $140 on a personal mosquito net.
Danni knew she was the next target as the final remaining member of Yaxhá, and paid $200 for an "advantage" at the next immunity challenge. The final lot was the somewhat predictable really worthwhile prize, which walked around the corner of a pyramid on cue in the form of loved ones, live. (Yes, I was wrong two weeks ago when I said it wouldn't happen now that the videos have been shown.) Judd, with a loan from Cindy, managed to outbid Stephanie and got to have his wife stay over in camp for the night. His bid also bought him the right to choose two other loved ones to also stay, so Cindy got her money's worth after all and once again Jersey loyalty saw Stephanie win just as big as Judd.
While Rafe, Danni and Lydia were exiled to the old Yaxhá camp (and spent the time constructively working out how to break up the Judd-Stephanie connection), Judd got to impress his city-girl wife with what a 'sexy camper' he is. Stephanie's boyfriend helped collect firewood, and oddly used Judd's "throw a large branch on the ground and hopefully it'll break in half" trick, with the same non-result. Must be a Jersey thing.
The immunity challenge was a kind of hexagonal, 3D chess board, which Judd seemed comfortably with until Jeff announced that it was a game which "requires smarts". Players took one step each turn by flipping a tile from white to red then standing on it. Since you could only stand on a white tile either directly in front or beside, people soon ran out of moves and were out of the game. Danni's 'advantage' purchased at the auction was the right to change places with any other player, once. She waited until Jeff announced out that Stephanie had carved herself out a nice piece of real estate then promptly took it. Strangely enough, Cindy and Rafe were out before Judd, but Danni's purchased advantage (and Stephanie's hard work) made the difference and she got to wear the immunity necklace the week she needed it most.
Back at camp she proved her listening skills again. Rafe had told her that they'd need to catch Judd in a lie to prove to Stephanie his untrustworthiness and break up their alliance, but it didn't even take that. Stephanie watched Danni listen in on a conversation between Judd and Lydia, then quizzed her about its content, obviously not trusting Judd. It was a real pleasure to watch Danni reel a big game player in like a marlin, slowly feeding out the lines then pouncing once it was clear she had her hooked. Rafe, too, managed to play it cool when Steph approached him with the idea to vote Judd out. Lydia, who'd told Judd he needed a plan, was running around camp offering her vote to anyone who wanted it.
Rather than say any more about tonight's episode I'm just going to present as series of statements from Judd, which tell you all you need to know.
The reward challenge was the classic Survivor auction, but with a couple of twists. The first is that Jeff didn't end his explanation of the challenge with the words, "Worth playing for?", which in itself was unusual. The auction opened with Danni paying $20 for a plate of beef jerky, Cindy paying $40 for a plate of cookies and a glass of milk, and Lydia – who you'll remember has been bitching and moaning non-stop about how hungry she is – spent $140 on a personal mosquito net.
Danni knew she was the next target as the final remaining member of Yaxhá, and paid $200 for an "advantage" at the next immunity challenge. The final lot was the somewhat predictable really worthwhile prize, which walked around the corner of a pyramid on cue in the form of loved ones, live. (Yes, I was wrong two weeks ago when I said it wouldn't happen now that the videos have been shown.) Judd, with a loan from Cindy, managed to outbid Stephanie and got to have his wife stay over in camp for the night. His bid also bought him the right to choose two other loved ones to also stay, so Cindy got her money's worth after all and once again Jersey loyalty saw Stephanie win just as big as Judd.
While Rafe, Danni and Lydia were exiled to the old Yaxhá camp (and spent the time constructively working out how to break up the Judd-Stephanie connection), Judd got to impress his city-girl wife with what a 'sexy camper' he is. Stephanie's boyfriend helped collect firewood, and oddly used Judd's "throw a large branch on the ground and hopefully it'll break in half" trick, with the same non-result. Must be a Jersey thing.
The immunity challenge was a kind of hexagonal, 3D chess board, which Judd seemed comfortably with until Jeff announced that it was a game which "requires smarts". Players took one step each turn by flipping a tile from white to red then standing on it. Since you could only stand on a white tile either directly in front or beside, people soon ran out of moves and were out of the game. Danni's 'advantage' purchased at the auction was the right to change places with any other player, once. She waited until Jeff announced out that Stephanie had carved herself out a nice piece of real estate then promptly took it. Strangely enough, Cindy and Rafe were out before Judd, but Danni's purchased advantage (and Stephanie's hard work) made the difference and she got to wear the immunity necklace the week she needed it most.
Back at camp she proved her listening skills again. Rafe had told her that they'd need to catch Judd in a lie to prove to Stephanie his untrustworthiness and break up their alliance, but it didn't even take that. Stephanie watched Danni listen in on a conversation between Judd and Lydia, then quizzed her about its content, obviously not trusting Judd. It was a real pleasure to watch Danni reel a big game player in like a marlin, slowly feeding out the lines then pouncing once it was clear she had her hooked. Rafe, too, managed to play it cool when Steph approached him with the idea to vote Judd out. Lydia, who'd told Judd he needed a plan, was running around camp offering her vote to anyone who wanted it.
Rather than say any more about tonight's episode I'm just going to present as series of statements from Judd, which tell you all you need to know.
- Judd giving advice to a clearly worried Lydia after Danni won immunity:
"Nobody's safe here tonight. If you think you're safe in this game you're crazy. You're absolutely berserk. You're never safe in this game." - Judd answering a question from Jeff at Tribal Council about how tough it is to vote someone out at this stage, after three others saying it's really hard because they're like a family, and you have to think about the jury and the final two:
"I'll tell you what, to be honest with you. No matter what they all say, everybody wants someone to go home. They're sitting here making believe, like "Ah, man, it's gonna suck". That's not the case, man. Everybody wants someone to go home. That's the bottom line; that's what we're here for. The only way you move on is somebody goes home. No hard feelings, just deal with it." - Judd after being voted out 4-2:
"Thanks guys. Hope you guys all get bit by a freakin' crocodile. Scumbags." - Judd's piece to camera during the closing credits:
"I'm really pissed off. I mean, I feel, I…I was…pissed off, lied to, betrayed. It doesn't feel good being lied to. It sucks being lied to, man, because one thing I didn't do was lie to anybody, man. But hey, get rid of the biggest target and that's what they did, man, so I really believe you're a bunch of scumbags and I can't wait until the final two, man. I'll have a lot more to say than that, man."
Didn't I say that's all you need to know!
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