Today's photos

First, the laundry project from hell which is kind of getting there.

Next, proof that the dogs love their new bed, and the cat doesn't mind it either.

Survivor Palm Cove

More reality than reality TV, this is a recap of our recent four-day trip back to lovely Palm Cove, 5km north of Cairns in FNQ, and reviews of the businesses which vied for our custom.

Why the holiday now? Well I'm six months pregnant, and it seemed like a good idea to take one last romantic, luxury holiday before even leaving the house involves a pram, nappy bags, kilos of paraphernalia and, of course, a screaming baby. It's such a good idea that the evil Marketing geniuses have given it a name; the "Babymoon". I refuse to call it that.

The flight there
Ah, Qant-arse. They now offer on-line check-in, allowing you to choose your seat the night before you jet out. Oooh, gadgets! Except there's a bug in the system, which they know about but haven't fixed yet, resulting in the hubby and I not being allocated seats together because mine was a FF rewards booking and his was a regular purchase. Never mind that I rang their reservations department and had our bookings linked two months ago to prevent this. Never mind that when I called Reservations 12 hours before departure it was apparently "too late" to do anything about it (other than arrive early and plead with the check-in desk) because I'd already progressed too far in the on-line process. Never mind that I specifically pointed out that I hadn't printed our boarding passes and asked if it was therefore too late to use the "Change Seat Allocation" function and was told "Yes".

Ignoring their advice I found that on-line persistence paid off, and I was able to change Bevan's seat to the one next to mine. I thought about trying to scab an upgrade out of it, and did point out on the phone that "I'm six months pregnant " but no luck. Apparently that only works on trains.

However, I will grant that flying Qantas does have some all-included benefits in the price. The headphones are free. The crappy movie was free. The non-alcoholic drinks are free. The hot chicken and rice "lunch" - served at 10.15am (which was actually 9.15am according to my watch, which I'd already turned back to Qld time) - was free, as was the complimentary "Splice" icypole for dessert to put one in a tropical mood.

Accommodation
The Sebel Reef House is a glorious place to stay. Our Brigadier Beachfront Spa Room was exactly that: a colonial, plantation-shutters-aplenty beachfront location, with a spa of such dimensions that one felt nervous about swimming in it less than an hour after eating. And NO WATER RESTRICTIONS! We cranked it up three out of the four nights we stayed there, and quickly learned not to add the complimentary bubble bath and run the spa jets. Of course, that was only when I could lever Bevan out of the two-seater wicker couch suspended from the balcony roof as a swing, or myself from the arm-chair and matching ottoman which elevated my pregnant ankles to swelling-proof height.

The staff are friendly, relaxed, professional and completely unobtrusive. We had a choice of sun lounges by either the fresh or salt-water pool (the fresh-water featuring a waterfall), although delivering a bowl of hot chips pool-side proved more difficult than imagined. The Reef House restaurant isn't the sort of place that does chips. It does a smoked-cheddar souffle, or a perfectly cooked minute steak, but not a bowl of chips. Never fear, Brigadier Bar to the rescue! The area between pool and lobby is a help-yourself, honour system bar with a range of chips, cashews, imported beers and lime wedges to satisfy mid-afternoon hunger pangs brought on by three lazy laps of the salt-water pool.

The Brigadier Bar also includes a range of magazines, newspapers, books in several languages that you can swap with whatever you brought with you and have finished, and a chess set which shall not be discussed ever again.

If lunch the first day was good, dinner the last night was fantastic. Local buffalo feta souffle this time for me, the saltiness of the cheese perfectly off-set by a scattering of sweet caramelised onion (which looked exactly like the chicken jerky we bribe our cat with, but presumably tastes a lot better). Turkey spring-rolls with cranberry and hazelnut salad had been an impressive entree, and the creme brulee for dessert was perfect. Bevan started with a magnificent duck salad before raving about the snow peas and mash accompanying his steak with pepper sauce. He can't remember what dessert was, other than that "it was beautiful!" (A check of the pdf menu on-line jogged the memory back to a pecan nut pudding with maple syrup anglaise.)

Breakfast the next morning was just as good, with Eggs Benedict for me (one of the best Bearnaise sauces I've ever had - just the right amount of cracked pepper) and roasted banana pancakes for Bevan, both of which efficiently replaced conversation with happy grunting.

But I just want a normal pedicure...
My toes were still wearing the scraps of polish from my last pedicure a couple of months before, along with the accumulated dead skin of that interval. I was too ashamed to turn up at the day spa for a full-body massage in that condition and decided to get a quick pedicure and new polish. Hey, Palm Cove is the self-proclaimed "Spa Capital of Australia" so how hard could it be? Hmmm. A quick look at the Sebel's in-house spa menu showed that they could do a Miji Jina Foot Treatment to "soak and sooth away tensions" for a mere $98, but I just wanted a normal pedicure with nail polish and sand blasting.

The main shopping strip had a hairdresser/beauty parlour, but their beauty therapist was in - of all places - Melbourne. A plea of desperation at one of the tour booking agencies revealed a dearth of common garden-variety beauty treatments. Fortunately someone knew that the Sea Temple spa does regular pedicures, but only because she'd had a visiting friend make the same plea and had done the research.

The Sea Temple is another Mirvac property, further off the main strip. I really wish I could remember my therapist's name - believe me, I've tried - because she deserves all the public recognition this humble blog can give her. Later it emerged that she'd delayed her lunch break to fit in the non-guest who wandered off the street without bothering to book, and she did a fantastic job. My toe nails are now a lovely shade of red and my heels bear a closer resemblance to skin than course-grit sandpaper. Hopefully she earned a nice fat commission on the ridiculously expensive - but utterly fabulous - bottle of Elemis Milk Bath I bought at her recommendation. This worked much better in the spa than bubble bath, and meant that Bevan got a little bit of spa treatment during the holiday, too.

Bevan was the hero of the day, and not just for remembering the Sea Temple's location. I got a bit hot and flustered on the way there, so he walked all the way back to our room to fetch my hat, and then waited patiently in the resort bar for me to finish. I'm proud to say that the bar's plasma set tuned to the Foxtel music video channel was the only television we saw during our entire time in Palm Cove.

Passions of Paradise
One cannot stay on the edge of the Great Barrier Reef without indulging in a boat trip. Last time we did the uber-touristy Quicksilver cattle muster out to Agincourt Reef. This time we looked for something a little more intimate.

We still don't know whether Passions of Paradise is the name of the tour company or their boat. I just know that it's not actually a brothel, because clearly none of our back-packer companions had any intention of paying to get lucky. On the other hand, the guy whose heart we watched stop beating as he was informed his 'extras' bill by the end of the cruise was $248 may well be selling his body by now.

Our catamaran joined the 8am peak hour rush of tour boats departing Cairns harbour, with a warning from the crew that it would be a rough trip out and sea-sick pills were available from the bar (at a modest extra cost). Being pregnant I decided to rough it out rather than risk a thalidomide-type catastrophe, and instead got a close-up view of the vessel's porcelain for several dignity-wracking minutes.

We had a very educational glass-bottom boat tour of the soft corals surrounding Michaelmas Cay on our arrival there ($18 extra per passenger) before donning our ultra-sexy stinger suits ($6 extra per passenger) and snorkeling gear for some up-close exploration. We knew the chance of stingers that far out was low, but since it's still officially stinger season through to May and I was snorkeling for two (and they provide better UV protection than any sunscreen was likely to) they seemed like a good idea. Besides, all the back-packers were wearing them so it was positive peer pressure for once. And a big howdie to the English back-packer wearing full-thickness makeup for her introductory scuba diving lesson.

Lunch was free, but if you wanted a drink it was $2.50 extra. And the on-board photographer took our photo underwater for free but charged $10 extra per photo for copies. As you can see, we coughed up for it. And no, that's not a basketball stuffed down the front of my stinger suit.

After lunch it was a short trip to another reef for more snorkling over harder corals. The fish life was amazing: we found Nemo, followed an Angel fish on a tour of the reef edge, were fascinated by a school of live cuttlefish and smiled back at the toothy Parrotfish which nibble the coral (ever wondered where reef sand comes from? It's fish poo.)

The sails went up for the return journey, which was smoother and less violently vomitous than the trip out, and actually rather pleasant sitting in the shade outside and watching the on-coming waves.

Out comes our inner John Lethlean.
Palm Cove offers a number of dining options. Some offered fantastic food and service at exorbitant prices. Others offered average food and amateur service at exorbitant prices. While the former was ultimately more enjoyable, the latter provided the better entertainment for those of us who've watched too many episodes of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.

Bella Baci
To quote again from the Palm Cove Chamber of Commerce website, "The owners, Sam and Christine, will ensure that you and your guests are treated to a memorable evening in Palm Cove when dining at this lovely restaurant." Memorable is right, but perhaps not for the reasons they hope.

The decor and beach-front location were indeed lovely, but the staff were just that little bit too nervous and keen to impress. Bella Baci is the middle of three restaurants that essentially share the same open space, so we really can't blame them for the constant camera flashes from some idiot tourist at a table next door in Nu Nu. Why that man wanted seven near-identical photos of his partner sitting at their table is beyond me. I'd just like to be there when he gets the prints back from the chemist and sees the death stare I'm giving him in the background of the last six.

Perhaps I've been spoilt by the calamari rings available from the SouthEnd food court at Highpoint, but my entree was a little disappointing. Fortunately they came on a massive pile of salad mix, giving lots of options to hide all the bits that were too chewy to swallow.

Bevan's salad entree was spectacular only for its sheer size. For mains I had a second entree of goat's cheese and sun-dried tomato filo pastries sitting on yet more salad. The first mouthful was rich and magical, but by halfway through the third pastry it was all a bit too much. To be fair, eating some of the salad might have cut through the richness. Bevan's Osso Bucco was huge but good.

The whole thing would have been perfectly OK had they charged about 30% less. If you're in Palm Cove and want Italian, fork out the few extra dollars and go to Vivo instead (see below) because overall it's just better value for the money you're already spending.

Nu Nu
Despite waking up early Tuesday to the sound of tour buses grinding along the main street, getting out of bed and into the shower proved too much to manage before the Reef House brekkie menu stopped for the day, a la McDonald's. Nu Nu had been written off as a dinner destination the night before on a combination of their horrific prices and prominent bragging about winning Gourmet Traveller's 2008 Regional Restaurant of the Year award. However we had considered it as a lunch option, and were pleased to discover the breakfast menu still on offer.

Out of sheer perversity we sat at the same table as the previous night's Steve Parish and waited to be blown away, which really didn't take long. Our waitress knew that she worked at a good restaurant and didn't feel the need to keep asking if everything was OK. The fresh juices were great, and Bevan's lemon ricotta lacy pancakes disappeared very quickly.

My 'french toasted heidi raclette and gypsy ham sandwich' was terribly amusing to Bevan. Well, perhaps that was more the look on my face when it arrived. A small loaf of bread had been hollowed out, stuffed with filling, french toasted and wrapped in a large serviette. It measured approximately 15cm in each direction. It was huge. Somehow I ate most of it. I'm still wondering if they used a microwave to melt all that cheese properly before the french toasting.

For the record, neither of us approve of a restaurant with a page of closing credits thanking their interior designers and the people who supply them with "all things coconut". If the management is reading this, consider yourselves lucky that I didn't have a pen with me, let alone a red one, or you'd have been given a stern lesson in the difference between its and it's.

Vivo
Last time we were in Palm Cove this building was the sales office for one of the many new resorts that have sprung up. Now it's a very nice place for afternoon tapas while gazing out at the beach (which I'm slightly ashamed to admit we didn't set foot on once during the whole trip).

We still can't decide which was our favourite dish: the spiced baby calamari with lime aioli, the prawn (singular) which had been coated in flaked coconut, the crumbed and deep-fried olives stuffed with a veal/ pork mix or the super crispy smoked paprika fries. Maybe it was dessert: Bevan was very happy with the presentation and variety on his tropical fruit platter, and I somehow forgot to share any of my hazelnut and chocolate semi-freddo with berry compote.

Colonies
Apparently this was one of the first restaurants in Palm Cove. Allegedly in 2001 Jamie Oliver tried to claim royalty payments over their blatant use of one of his recipes and the owner sent him a stubby in response. Supposedly one of their goals is to provide 'affordable' dining. I can't personally vouch for the first two claims, but charging at all for bread and charging through the nose for everything else doesn't spell 'affordable' to either of us.

With fewer than 300 tables, Colonies is one of the smaller restaurants in Palm Cove. The staff consisted of two guys squeezed into a tiny galley kitchen, one girl manning the bar and a single waitress trying to do everything else front of house. As mentioned, not a crumb of bread was gratis, which they tried to justify by claiming that it was all 'home made'. One might point out that the garlic bread we had seemed 'home made' only in the same sense that the garlic bread I do can claim to be 'home made' because I slice the store-bought roll and apply garlic and butter that I've mixed together. And what happened to the promised mozzarella?

Following Gordon Ramsay's example, Bevan started with crab cakes that were OK (although neither of us could claim to be crab cake aficionados so we had nothing to compare to). His lamb main course was still a little too capable of saying "baaaa" for my liking, but he was happy with the amount it was cooked through, and it was his dish after all. My chicken scallopini had looked great on the menu, but in reality I was surprised to find that the prosciutto didn't go as well with the garlic cream sauce as I thought it would. The dill garnish was ho-hum, and the wedge of fresh cherry tomato on top was completely out of place for that dish.

White chocolate cheesecake was another option that sounded good on the menu but was actually a disappointment, being a little gritty in texture. My friend Erica's New York cheesecake is much smoother. Bevan's "mango three ways" had a very Top Chef title but unfortunately a somewhat RSL Club presentation: a cheek of mango balancing on a small scoop of mango gelati and a vague smear of mango coulis. The whole thing was jammed into an ice-cream sundae glass (which made the mango cheek hard to eat) and padded out with a heavy whipped cream. At $14.90 it should have been an anglaise at least.

With Bevan's two glasses of red (in awful old-fashioned crystal goblets) and my two LL&B, the bill was our second highest for the holiday and probably our least favourite meal.

Far Horizons
Thursday morning, and we still hadn't quite mastered the art of arriving at a resort restaurant in plenty of time to sample the breakfast menu. At least that's the impression I got from the sole waitress still on duty when we finally got to Angsana after running out of time on our last trip to Palm Cove. If I'd listened to what she said verbally instead of reading her body language I'd have realised that breakfast was still on for another half hour and we were welcome to sit at the ocean-view table of our choice.

The menu featured the near-ubiquitous range of exotically-named juice combinations, but also the more unusual option to create your own from a choice of any three fruits on a pretty long list. Fortunately our lovely waitress from PNG was paying more attention to what Bevan said to her than I paid when she spoke to me. She pointed out that the eggs-plus-extras plate he was designing was essentially the big breakfast less the sausage, which she was quite happy to do even though big breakfasts are usually pretty rigid and his original order cost more. Again, I wish I could remember her name to give her more credit.

My ham and cheese omelet was fine, and we got our first look at a newspaper in days. The good news was that the Reserve Bank hadn't raised interest rates. The bad news was that insurance premiums might go up instead after a massive wind and dust storm in Melbourne that brought down power lines, made people in tall city buildings sea sick and shut down most of the train network. Do we have to go home?

One of the top 10 spas in the world
With freshly-manicured feet I was brave enough to set foot in the Reef House's in-house spa. Their insistance on not performing any treatment on a women in her first trimester of pregnancy was a comforting sign that they know about certain risks, although it did get a little frustrating being repeatedly told "normally we'd do X but you're pregnant so you miss out".

My 2 hour session started with a traditional Aboriginal smoking ceremony performed without the slightest sense of incongruity by my lovely Japanese therapist. The promised 'special' pregnancy setup turned out to be just a regular body pillow covered in a towel, but it was still more comfortable - and physically possible - than laying on my stomach would have been. This massage was the first I've had in years that didn't leave me feeling bruised the next day, but was also the most expensive and least claimable on health insurance.

Baby put on a high-kicking performance to impress a line of Las Vegas showgirls when the therapist laid her hands on my stomach in a soothing and theraputic way. At least she calmed down so I could relax for the facial, which was one soothing potion after another. Unlike at Sea Temple there was no berry sorbet to finish up, but the cup of tea was nice even if I was limited to the normal range "because you're pregnant" instead of the exotics they apparently offer to the barren.

Phone us after you collect your bags
Finally a word in praise of JetPort Parking at Tullamarine. Not only was it less vast and cheaper than the airport's own long-term carpark - where you have to wait ages for the bus and then load your own bags - but it was under cover. Thanks to the RACV member's special we saved even more, and were very pleased with the door-to-door convenience and the speed with which they picked us up on the way home.

So, that's our travel diary. The camera didn't make it out of the suitcase but we don't care because it wasn't that sort of trip. We came home completely relaxed and wondering how much the place will have changed the next time we visit, although by then we'll be looking more for a two bedroom unit at a resort with a kid's club than a romantic ocean-view room for 2.5 people.

Survivor China: finale

Well the final episode was traditional if not entirely exciting. Put another way it was predictable if not entirely entertaining. The reunion, however, was excellent so all is forgiven. Oh Survivor, as if I could stay mad at you for long!

It started with a recap of key moments from the previous seven weeks, including Todd and Amanda sealing their alliance on day one, Denise puking up the balut at the gross food challenge and Jean-Robert’s steady descent into madness. We also got a reminder of what they all looked liked before the boys grew beards and Courtney grew strangely dark roots that suggest she’s not a natural platinum blonde. Who would have guessed it?

It might be an urban myth that the Great Wall of China itself is visible from space, but I suspect the Survivor version of the Great Wall can actually be seen from the moon. The producers had built a massive replica section of the Great Wall using besser bricks, which was the set for this week’s reward challenge. Survivors had to collect blocks and assemble them to finish a section at the top of the wall. The bigger puzzle is going to be for some archaeologist in the year 4267 who finds a section of the Great Wall, thousands of kilometres from the rest and in a different building material, and has to try and work out why it’s there.

Amanda won the reward of pizza, beer, soft drink and brownies. Jeff said that it was only a single serve but she could choose to share it with one or two others if she wanted. To me a family-size pizza, three beers, a jug of Coke and a plate full of chocolate brownies is way more than a single serve, but then I remembered that it was an American portion.

Amanda chose to share it with Todd, and used the time to accuse him of backstabbing and scheming to get rid of her, which is exactly what she was doing to him last week. Back at camp Denise had a cry about never getting picked for anything, which I’m sure PG loved to see. Todd tried to tell Denise how much he loves all the remaining girls, but considering he’s gay and a total schemer it was less than convincing. More convincing was his paranoia that he’s getting paranoid.

Tree mail brought an invitation to another key element of every final episode, the walk down memory lane. This one took place in the shadow of a massive concrete statue of Guan Yin, the Chinese goddess of compassion and mercy. If the producers had either compassion or mercy for their audience they’d drop this because it’s just such bad television. As usual, it consisted mostly of the four remaining members of Hidden Dragon trying to say something nice about the early victims from Crouching Tiger – none of whom they knew – and eventually deciding not to say anything at all.

The final immunity challenge involved balancing a pile of classic rice pattern china on the end of a stick. As usual, Todd failed early and was out. Courtney is a waitress at home, but that didn’t help her either. Denise tried to negotiate some kind of settlement with Amanda, who quite rudely refused but then was all hugs and "Did you really think I was going to let you quit on me?" as soon as she’d won and could afford to be gracious. That’s really only an appropriate thing to say if one is the hero in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie who’s held someone’s hand and kept them conscious and alive until the ambulance arrived and is now trying to be modest.

In the hours before Tribal Council, Denise tried to convince her saviour not to vote her out next, claiming that Survivor is all she’s got other than a crappy job as a lunch lady, and that she needs the money. It backfired badly, merely convincing Amanda – who in turn convinced Todd and Courtney - that Denise could easily soak up enough sympathy to win the million dollars. Sure enough, it was a unanimous vote that put Denise on the jury instead of in front of it.

OK, what’s next on the final episode checklist: luxury, boozy breakfast to reward the final three in the hope they might do something vaguely interesting while drunk to spice things up a little. The hamper must have included that kerosene-soaked rag on the end of a stick to make sure they got a really good bonfire going as they burned everything not nailed down before heading off to the final tribal council.

Even the jury grilling this year was a bit lame. Nobody had an axe to grind. Well, Jean-Robert seemed peeved that he had to vote for either Courtney – who he hated from day one – or Todd or Amanda, both of whom he promised not to vote for if they backstabbed him. Jaime tried to make them turn on each other, but kept doubling back on her own questions until nothing made any sense at all.

Todd and Amanda both claimed to be huge Survivor fans who came into the game with a specific strategy, and were forced to hurt people they really, truly cared deeply about in order to successfully implement that strategy. Courtney just pointed out that she’s never been a Survivor fan, had no strategy and was written off by everyone, but made it to the final three anyway and so they should give her some credit for that.

In a very tricky piece of editing, Jeff collected the bucket with the who-gets-the-million-dollars votes. The camera cut to the final three, and when it cut back to Jeff he was in the CBS studio at the live Survivor Reunion! Oh the miracles of television. Oh the miracles of professional hair and make-up. Courtney and Amanda both suddenly had fringes, and Todd had a weird hillbilly faux-hawk with a bit of mullet at the back. Trendy yes, flattering not necessarily.

With seven of the eight votes read out, Amanda’s sole vote put her in official third place. It created a nice little three-all cliff hanger between the others until Todd’s name appeared on the last vote and he got to look shocked and cry and hug the others and do his best beauty queen routine before running off to hug his family.

A lot of the reunion focussed on James and the way Todd and Amanda managed to vote out someone holding two immunity idols. Jean-Robert – who was inexplicably wearing a beanie – still believes he was voted off early because he was the biggest threat. He’s treating it as a compliment, which Jeff amusingly pointed out is only a compliment if it’s true.

The entire world now knows that Courntey weighed 42kg when the game started, 39kg by the time it finished, but is now something over 42kg. Yep, Jeff essentially called her fat on national television. Mind you, she was wearing horizontal stripes and everyone knows they’re not becoming.

Leslie yet again said the exact words "I’m not a religious person" (arrgghhhhh!!!), and Chicken said one of the most profound things ever at a reunion: "If I didn’t win the money I’d want to go first."

James has had a good time since the show, being voted People magazine’s sexiest man of the week and getting hit on by grieving wives and daughters at the sides of graves he’s waiting to fill back in. Denise hasn’t been so lucky, getting sacked from her job as a lunch lady and being forced to work instead as a janitor at the same school. Some might suggest cleaning toilets and serving school lunches is pretty much the same category of materials handling, but on the bright side she can get a decent haircut now. She explained that the mullet keeps her hair short at the front under the work hair nets but long at the back so she can be more feminine for her husband and keep him happy. I’m not even going to touch that one.

Having picked on Courtney’s weight and Denise’s hair, Jeff next turned the blowtorch on Jaime and Erik, forcing her to confess that they’re dating and him to confess that he’s still a virgin. He gave the rest their token last few seconds of fame, and then announced that Denise, James and PG – WHAT!! – were the three who received the most votes in an on-line poll as this season’s most popular Survivor. James won the official $100,000 but then Jeff announced that Mark Burnett – whose name Jeff carefully dropped a few times – had decided to give Denise fifty grand to make up for losing her dream job. They didn’t say whether that came out of Mark’s own pocket or the production budget, but it was a nice gesture.

Finally we got a preview of the next series, Fans v Favourites. Ten die-hard Survivor fans who think they can do better will be pitted against ten players from previous series in Survivor Micronesia. They didn’t name the old timers, but a quick peek on the website shows they include Amanda and James from this series, Yau-Man and Parvati from Fiji, and past horrors including Eliza from Vanuatu and Johnny Fairplay from Thailand. I look forward to a massive tribal council chambers, hurriedly assembled to thwart the writers’ strike, falling on his head.

Depending on when – if – Channel 9 decides to run the next series (and series 17 after that, for which casting has already closed) I might be on maternity leave from both paid employment and writing the weekly summaries. For this series at least it has been my great pleasure to inflict on you my passion for certain reality TV. Now grab your torches and head back to camp.

Survivor China: week 12

Well, next week is the grand final and the answer to who wins the big money, who wins the little money, and who (in your best Maxwell Smart) misses by that much.

After last week we know it won’t be Erik, although the unanimous decision back at camp was that he’s possibly the nicest person on the planet. Being ‘nice’ hasn’t helped him lose his virginity or improve his financial position, but it’s nice to be nice so that’s nice for him.

After the opening credits it was pretty much straight into this week’s crappy tree mail poem, which stressed the importance of being skilled and popular, or in other words ‘nice’. Each Survivor was given five arrows, and told to put them in vases belonging to the other people. The most popular person would have the greatest number of arrows to shoot using a replica 4th century Chinese repeating crossbow (available at all good weapons outlets).

The challenge worked on the basic premise that the person whose name on the target board got the most hits would win. Obviously having lots of arrows would assist in this endeavour: PG’s vase contained only one, confirming beyond doubt that she is not popular and giving her virtually zero chance of winning. It didn’t help that she entirely missed the board with that one arrow.

Courtney had twelve arrows but didn’t manage to hit her own name even once, which is presumably why the tree mail was so specific about the need for both popularity and skill. She's been told all series that she's hopeless at challenges, so perhaps people deliberately gave her arrows in the hope her failure would benefit their own cause. Sure enough, she managed to spray them evenly enough between Todd and Denise that it took until the final arrow for Denise to be crowned winner. It also made Courtney the easy choice for Denise to take with her on the reward of an overnight stay at the Great Wall of China. (Jeff tried to pump it up as a one of a kind experience, but I just did a Google search on "tour, great wall of china" and got 2 million hits.)

Anyway, Jeff then announced that Denise could take another person as well. PG laid it on thick that Denise should repay the favour of the Shoalin Temple visit. Instead, Denise repaid the favour of choosing the only two people to have given her arrows; Courtney and Todd. Denise knows that if PG doesn’t win immunity this week she’ll get voted out, and therefore has no strategic value. She’s been on a private jet with PG and knows how unpleasant it can be. She’s lived with PG for however many days now and probably relished the chance for a break.

Thanks very much for that, Denise. You might have had a 12 hour reprieve from PG’s whingeing, but we had to tolerate seemingly endless minutes of her complaining about not being taken on the reward and people implying that she’s unpopular. In fact PG probably would have complained about the arrow distribution even if Denise had taken her on the reward, which was yet another excellent reason for Denise to put as much distance between them as possible.

I’m almost glad this series is over, because there’s been some incredibly annoying moments. One of the worst was the way PG and Amanda, like, spent 12 hours alone at camp, like, trying to see who could, like, use the word ‘like’ the most often in a single sentence. I lost count because it was hard to focus and scream "SHUT UP!" at the TV at the same time.

The immunity challenge was a repeat of several past challenges, with one person being knocked out of contention each round. Todd couldn’t throw stars, Denise still couldn’t eat the balut, Courtney couldn’t bounce a tennis ball on a drum, and PG couldn’t chop through the ropes and solve the puzzle as fast as Amanda did.

Amanda’s immunity win put PG well and truly in the firing line at Tribal Council. Todd and Amanda had each been lobbying against the other while they were separated during the overnight reward, and with Amanda safe PG started a desperate effort to gang all the girls up against Todd. Unfortunately she forgot that she’s much less popular than Todd, and Denise especially was made so uncomfortable trying to give non-committal answers to PG’s grilling that she was quite happy to obey alliance orders.

The vote against PG might have been unanimous, but she’s convinced they voted her out because they were scared to death to go against her in the final three. No, PG, watch this episode again: they voted you out despite you being an easy beat in the final three. Like, that’s how, like, unbearable another couple of days with you would have been.

Survivor China: week 11

So how did the biggest, strongest and not necessarily stupidest guy this season manage to get voted out last week while holding two immunity idols? I don’t get it either, but those who did survive Tribal Council were all very relieved to have pulled off the blind-siding. Personally I was quite impressed by how calm and rational James’ farewell speech to the video camera was, and thought the others were very mean saying they feared for their life if the plan didn’t work. Later he turned up for jury duty and glared at them. And then I understood.

PG – bless her – has decided that voting out James was not a masterful strategy by highly skilled players to get rid of the strongest person, eliminate both immunity idols and improve their own chances of winning the million dollars ($640k after taxes). No, it was certain proof that the original Hidden Dragon alliance is collapsing. If she can get just two other people to swing over to her side, and if she can keep winning immunity, and if there’s a lightening strike that kills Amanda, Todd, Denise, Courtney and Eric, she’s in with a chance.

As suggested in the ads, this week the loved ones turned up to participate in the challenge. Among much hugging and crying were frequent apologies for the body odour. Denise’s first words to her husband were, "Can I have your socks?" "Please" might have been nice too, but she apparently smelled so bad he was happy to comply as long as she didn’t breath on him.

Loved ones and Survivors were blindfolded and sent into opposite ends of a maze, with instructions that the first pair to team up and reach the middle would win. PG is a chip off the old block, with her Dad pointing to where he thought the middle was and saying, "We need to go that way". I’d like to point out that pointing is not much help to a blindfolded person, although it is slightly amusing to us at home. Amanda and her sister used freaky and annoying bird calls to cut through the shouting and find each other. Denise’s husband Robert just followed the smell and they won.

Long before Corey Delaney / Worthington forced himself uninvited into our media consciousness with his yellow sunglasses and even more horribly yellow hair, another ghastly little twerp named "Johnny Fairplay" competed in Survivor Pearl Islands and pulled off one of the worst stunts in Survivor History. In both cases the act itself was abhorrent, but the chutzpah with which they pulled it off had to be at least acknowledged if not actually admired.

When Johnny's best friend turned up as a loved one Johnny asked, "Where’s Grandma?" and was sadly informed that she had died. Trouble was, Grandma was so alive she answered the phone when Jeff rang the family off-air to express the production team’s condolences. The whole thing was a total lie, pre-planned between the pair of them to ensure that the challenge winner would give up the luxury overnight reward so that Johnny could "get all of the news from home" and "come to terms with his grief".

Why bring up ancient history? Because this week every Survivor fan was dragged back to the memory of that series when Todd came face to face with his little sister at the reward challenge. He pointedly asked how his even younger sister is doing, only to be informed that she had miscarried her baby.

Denise never explained whether it was sympathy or pure strategy, but she chose Todd and his sister (along with Amanda and her sister) to share the reward of a massive lunch on a boat. She also got handed a mobile phone to receive a call from home. The producers had chosen a phone from Sprint Communications because, just like Denise and Robert had to be to win the challenge, Sprint is known for speed and communication. It wasn’t subtle. Neither was the font size of Sprint Communication’s credit in the closing titles.

Oddly, Todd doesn’t appear to have mentioned his little sister's tragedy at all during the entire lunch. I suppose it’s hard to talk and cry and stuff your face with chocolate cake at the same time, so he focussed on doing that last one really well. In fact, poor Kimmy – whose unplanned teen pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage is now world-wide news – didn’t even get a mention until back at camp when Todd, Amanda and siblings went for a swim to gloat about how great the reward was.

For the record, Amanda’s sister’s butt had to be pixelated as she jumped in the lake. Either that family really likes skimpy swimwear or there’s a genetic birthmark that’s just too horrible for prime time. Eroc Giron and Brian Metz, who get closing title credits as ‘Digitizers’, deserve a bigger font even than Sprint Communications for their efforts. Possibly an Emmy, too.

Back at camp during the reward, PG was seriously peeved that Denise didn’t return the favour and invite her to share the reward, since she’d taken Denise to the Shaolin Temple a few days before. They all expressed total disbelief about Todd’s sister, and Courtney did a brilliant replay of Todd’s Oscar-worthy performance as a grieving brother, for which she definitely deserves an Emmy.

The immunity challenge involved wading back and forth through an obstacle course in a swamp, trying to decide which statements out of three pairs were true so that the right keys were picked to open a box and raise a flag. The questions this week were things like, "The Chinese invented barbed wire" and "The Chinese invented gunpowder". Once again there was a perfect opportunity to learn more about the reign of Emperor Nasi Goreng, and once again the producers passed it up.

As jokingly suggested last week, PG won immunity. Her family is Chinese so she kind of had just a little bit of an advantage getting the questions right. Erik knew he’d be targeted for elimination and did some nice work trying to convince the others that Todd was lying about his sister. He and PG both went to work on Denise, pointing out that the others will only take her to the final four. In fact at Tribal Council they both managed to talk generically about how there are ‘certain people’ at camp who can choose between being fourth in their current alliance or possibly winning the game. They may as well have said, "I’m not going to name names, but her initials might be Denise."

It didn’t work, so Erik got voted out in a four-two decision, and can now break up the jury box flirtation that seems to be happening between Frosti and his sweet little Southern Belle Jaime. Todd looked very happy and not at all grieving as he trotted out of the Tribal Council pagoda. Next week might be a different story though, because it looks like the girls plus Denise might gang up on him. With only five Survivors left now, and only a couple of episodes to go, it’s getting very exciting.

Survivor China: week 10

So after spending the last week on the edge of my seat waiting to find out what the big post-Tribal Council surprise is, we finally know. Was it worth the wait? Nuh.

The bad news from Jeff was that there was ‘unfinished business’ and they wouldn’t be going straight back to camp. PG, who only escaped elimination minutes early because she’d won individual immunity, looked like she was going to puke. The good news was that it was a reward challenge, not another vote. The bad news was that "this is no ordinary reward". Actually make that good news, because it was a really good reward.

The winner got an overnight stay at the 1,500-year-old Shaolin Temple, birthplace of Kung Fu. In talking the reward up, Jeff made it clear (including to everyone at home) that this truly is an opportunity that very few people in the world will ever experience because outsiders are not invited. It begs the question of what influence CBS has over a Chinese government desperate to look good in the lead up to the Beijing Olympics, and what influence that government in turn has over the Shaolin monks. Or maybe CBS just offered them their own kung fu reality show as a way of getting around the writer’s strike.

The challenge itself involved questions about Chinese culture, like "True or false: China is credited with inventing the abacus." Having known the answer to that since about grade four, it was disappointing to see so many people get it wrong. I was waiting for "True or false: the Emperor Nasi Goreng built the Great Wall of China to keep out the rabbits", but oddly it didn’t come up.

PG, who last week was sooking that she never wins anything, won her second challenge in a row and took Erik and Denise with her. On the private jet taking them to the reward, PG started lobbying her fellow outsiders to form a new alliance against the four back at camp the minute the ‘Fasten Seatbelts’ sign went out. They were not impressed by the intrusion: Erik just wanted to eat the free pistachios in peace, and Denise was probably wondering whether hers is the worst mullet to ever travel by private jet. I think Bon Jovi collectively won that honour a few decades ago, but she can dream.

She’s actually a bit of a dark horse, confessing during the flight that she’s been studying karate and kung fu for eight years and is not far off getting her black belt. Between Denise loving a visit to the birthplace of her chosen sport, and PG loving a chance to learn more about her Chinese heritage, Erik was the odd one out. Denise even did a demonstration of her own after the Shaolin monks had finished theirs and a bunch of little kids taught the outsiders a few moves. I’m really glad to see someone get to go on a reward that’s so relevant and meaningful, and which there is no doubt they are truly the person most capable of appreciating.

The kung fu theme didn’t end there because the immunity challenge involved throwing stars. I was kind of hoping to see Erik knock himself out with some nunchakus, but throwing stars it was. Tree mail came in the form of a typically bad poem attached to a large placard by said throwing stars, so there was no excuse not to practise and absolutely no excuse for PG not landing a single hit when the pressure was on, other than that she’s pathetic and doesn’t deserve to win.

One of the biggest – and, as it turns out, most erroneous - assumptions this season has been that James would be a major threat in the individual immunity challenges. The producers keep listing his profession as ‘grave digger’, and he’s certainly built like someone who spends a lot of time in heavy manual labour. However, I suspect that might be a slight exaggeration because as I understand it his family runs a funeral business, which isn’t quite the same thing. I suppose grave digger sounds more interesting, plus they already had an undertaker on the show a few years back and don’t like to repeat themselves. Except with the rope and puzzle piece challenges.

And yet while James is such an obvious physical threat, none of the individual immunity challenges have suited his strength. This seemed to perhaps be the one, but Courtney – tiny little Courtney with the skeletal arms and Vampire-pale skin (and, I might point out, dark roots growing nicely through the bleached blonde hair after a month in the jungle) - did just as well in this challenge as James.

Erik managed to win, and the alignment of the (throwing) stars [sorry] allowed Amanda to put in place her brilliant idea of getting rid of James the alleged threat, and knocking both immunity idols out of play. Never mind that Todd and Jean-Robert both had the same idea a couple of weeks ago. Since Erik had immunity it was very easy to convince James that they were all sticking to the original plan of voting out PG next. And she played along, after a chat with Amanda in a desperate attempt to survive meant she was let in on the secret that James had been targeted instead of her. It was an enviable no-lose situation for PG: if James didn’t play one of his immunity idols in the crucial moment at Tribal Council he’d be eliminated, and if he did then whomever PG and Erik voted for would be gone.

Oddly enough she managed to last the remaining few hours until Tribal Council without stuffing up. There was a fabulously tense moment after the votes had been cast but before they were read out when Jeff told the remaining seven that if someone was going to play an immunity idol they had to do it right then. James looked at his bag, then back at Jeff and ... said nothing. He did hold them both up eventually, but that was during his farewell piece to camera as the credits rolled and they weren’t much use to him by then.

The ad for next week shows lots of people crying, so presumably it's the loved ones' visit. Either that or PG wins immunity again.

Survivor China: week 9

This is the fifteenth season of Survivor, and this week not only did the creative forces behind the scenes manage to get through two challenges that didn’t involve ropes or puzzle pieces, they also did something new and actually original with the opening credits. Instead of still showing everyone in their original tribes, they showed the members of the merged Hae Da Fung tribe, then showed the members of the jury, and left the dearly departed to rot in obscurity until the reunion show.

The aftermath of last week’s Tribal Council was bitter for some, scary for others and elated for one in particular. Denise is furious that nobody thought to tell her that the original plan of voting for PG, with which she had faithfully complied, had changed to voting for Jean-Robert. James had a nasty scare receiving three votes on a night when he didn’t even bother taking either immunity idol with him to Tribal Council. And Courtney is just pleased that Jean-Robert is gone. Pleased is perhaps an understatement.

Jean-Robert might be gone, but PG stepped comfortably into his shoes as the camp nag and painfully annoying person just begging to be voted off. As one of only three remaining Crouching Tiger members there’s a huge target painted on her forehead and her behaviour this week just drew attention to it, while Erik and Frosti both took the somewhat more tactically advantageous approach of sucking up to those by whom they are outnumbered.

Part of PG’s complaint is that she’s a total loser. In her own unique grammatical style, she described herself as "the most losing-est Survivor left in this game right now" for having won the fewest challenges. However, this week’s reward challenge started well for her. She won the draw to be a team captain, and won the Rock Paper Scissors competition to get first choice of who was on her team, quickly snapping up James. From there it went completely pear-shaped.

Each team had to manoeuvre an obstacle course (featuring numerous Bunnings terracotta warriors) while bouncing a tennis ball on a Chinese drum. PG’s team just couldn’t get it together, and the other team completed the course three times and had won before her group got anywhere near dropping a single ball where it needed to be.

Back at camp she laid the blame squarely on James for dawdling instead of running back to the start mat each of the many times they had to do that because they'd stuffed up. She’s right that he wasn't putting in 100%, but he wasn’t going to take any criticism from someone who had deliberately thrown a challenge in the past, and he wasn’t giving up his moral high ground either.

Meanwhile, Eric, Frosti, Courtney and Amanda were enjoying a feast of fried chicken, mashed potato and gravy during an overnight boat cruise on the Lee River. The scenery was spectacular, meaning it’s probably due to be dammed for a hydro-power plant some time in the next few years. Courtney and Frosti’s flirtation continued unabated. He openly acknowledges that she’s out of his league, but if he keeps giving her back rubs like that he’ll make up the gap pretty quickly. Erik had some flirtations of his own, both with Amanda and some goats by the river’s edge. He really does an impressive goat impersonation. Scarily impressive.

Back at camp, James, Denise and Todd were all worried about how alliances might be shifting, particularly if Courtney gets too close to someone scheduled to be picked off. James did a rather Biblical lecture about the importance of resisting temptation and not eating the damned apple. I suppose there’s nothing in the Bible about not eating the cheeseburger and fries.

That’s the only way to explain his gluttonous reaction at the Immunity Challenge the next day when Jeff gave everyone the choice between participating in the memory challenge for immunity or eating. Courtney, Todd and Denise joined him at the banquet table, while all three members of the former Crouching Tiger went for immunity, along with Amanda (who it seems is not having a wardrobe malfunction but just chose a swimsuit that’s too high-cut in the booty for prime-time American audiences, which is why it’s being pixelated. Think Kylie’s gold hotpants and you get the idea).

To everyone’s unanimous horror, PG won immunity. Well, the ones who ate weren’t too upset initially. Courtney and Todd both tried to answer Jeff’s questions, but their mouths were so full that their answers were unintelligible even to the geniuses who normally do the subtitles when somebody mumbles. About the only thing that came out clearly was Courtney’s observation as she stood up from the table that she was covered in mayonnaise. Maybe that was her way of taking something back to camp for Frosti.

Her loyalty was soon tested. With PG safe the others had to pick whether to vote out Erik or Frosti to keep the numbers in favour of the original Hidden Dragon members. And Frosti and Erik both knew it too, each wishing the other good luck if he managed to survive the night. Frosti wrenched himself away from Courtney’s skeletal clutches long enough to lobby Todd and point out how nice Erik is and what a threat that makes him if he reaches the final three. Todd didn’t buy it, and pointedly asked Courtney whether she is committed enough to the game to vote against Frosti when the time comes. She was non-committal. Todd was frustrated. The editors were happy that they could build some tension going into the vote.

With Jean-Robert gone, Courtney had nobody left to insult so it was a pretty boring Tribal Council. Frosti voted for Erik and Erik voted for Frosti, each expressing dismay that they had little choice. Everyone else voted for Frosti, too, including Courtney, so that’s him gone. Jeff still had one surprise, announcing that "the ability to adapt, moment to moment, is what’s going to keep you in this game. And we’re gonna test that right now. Tonight you will not be heading directly back to camp. We have more business to attend to here." Roll credits. And thanks to Channel 9 for deciding to only run a single episode when it ends on a cliff-hanger like that.

Survivor China: weeks 7 & 8

Firstly just to answer some questions from last week: yes I really am pregnant, and yes I was totally joking about those names. Although maybe Jeff for a boy...

Another double episode this week, which started with more of Courtney complaining about the way Jean-Robert treats her. Here’s a free hint, honey: he might be upset about you calling him a "really crappy person" at Tribal Council last night. That might have played a small part in your not being his favourite person either. Just guessing.

At Crouching Tiger, James listened to a seemingly endless string of sentences from PG, punctuated liberally with the word "like", until she ran out of meaningless things to say and wandered off to bore Jaime and Erik. He used the opportunity to discretely wrench both plaques off the gateway, keeping the one with the words "Congratulations – this is an immunity idol" in big letters on the back and leaving the other on the ground while he hid his treasure.

Jaime and Eric found the leftover plaque and decided that of course it must be an immunity idol. Later that night they showed what sweet little Southern Christians they are by going through James’ bag while he was away. They found two plaque-shaped lumps wrapped up in his pants but didn’t unwrap them all the way to check. And yet, despite knowing that James had already discarded it as worthless, they figured the one in Jaime’s bag must also be an immunity idol. The only people laughing harder than James did when he discovered someone had attributed value to the junk one, were the producers. No, let me correct that: I was laughing very hard later on when Jaime did a whole speech about how good she is at playing stupid, and that she might resemble Jessica Simpson but she’s not as dumb as she looks.

At the reward challenge Jeff yelled out "Drop your buffs: you are merged," then handed out nice clean black buffs for everyone to wear. James immediately wrapped his around his armpit, so it probably doesn’t smell so nice and fresh any more. The traditional merge feast included a floor show by some local acrobats and dancers. China might be a communist atheist country, but the dancing was decidedly liturgical.

Just before they headed off, Jeff reminded them – very pointedly– that "this game never stops." Later, back at what was the Hidden Tiger camp but is now home to Hae Da Fung (which, according to PG at least, means ‘Black Fighting Wind’), Jeff turned up unannounced and waving this season’s individual immunity necklace. He declared that the immunity challenge was about to start, and – oh gee, nobody could see this coming after what he said, only apparently none of them did – the challenge was a memory test about the floor show. The first three questions knocked out eight of the ten contestants, and Frosti was the only one to get the last question right so he won immunity.

Naturally the politicking kicked into overdrive. Todd and Amanda split up to improve their lobbying reach, with Todd drawing the short straw of ‘talking’ to Jean-Robert. It wasn’t so much talking to as being threatened by. His threat is to be a vocal jury advocate against Todd if he gets 'screwed over'. Since nobody takes anything JR says seriously, it was far less a threat than the machete he was waiving around as he said it.

Far more pleasant for Todd was having Jaime offer to tell him who has both immunity idols. He managed to keep a straight face, and so did Jeff when Jaime interrupted Tribal Council to present her ‘immunity idol’ and claim protection. Jean-Robert – who remember is supposed to make his living out of playing poker and keeping his emotions private – looked horrified, then openly laughed when Jeff tossed the plaque in the fire, and went straight back to horrified when the first vote featured his own name.

Poor Jaime, and poor me because her seven votes put me out of our office sweep. She thinks she’s out because she’s just too nice for Survivor. I think she’s out because she did something horrible going through James’ bag, did it poorly, and didn’t have a back-up plan.

Jean-Robert’s utterly crappy poker face, and the question over who has real immunity idols, were the dominating themes in the night’s second episode. In fact the entire episode was neatly encapsulated in an early quote from James: "We need to keep Jean-Robert’s dumb ass in line because we’re stuck with him now."

After a few scenes of Todd starting to panic about his alliances, and getting peeved that James hasn’t bothered to give back the immunity idol he was handed, it was straight into the reward challenge. Three people from one team armed with buckets of water tried to sink a small boat piloted by someone from the other team, who was trying to simultaneously paddle out of reach and bail out the water. Wow, no knots or puzzle pieces this week!

For once Courtney actually got selected as an asset for her team, since her tiny frame would theoretically stop her boat from sinking as quickly. The plan backfired when in the first round she just sat in the boat, neither paddling or bailing, and in the second round wasn’t strong enough to get any water in the other team’s boat. And she complains that they always leave her out of challenges!

The close-knit group of Todd, Amanda and James, plus Jean-Robert, won a reward of food and relaxation. They also won the last clue to – gasp! – the location of the real immunity idol! Jean-Robert was the only person actually shocked by this, but the others did a very impressive job of covering up the fact that every single other person in camp already knows James has both.

Doing a less successful job of covering up was Amanda. Something happened to her bikini bottom during the challenge, and her entire butt was pixelated for the rest of the episode, so there's obviously some kind of major construction failure down there.

PG was just as hard at work as the editing suite staff, pointing out that the five who didn’t get to go on the reward outnumbered the four who did and trying to form a new alliance. It was a noble effort, but the only agreement she got was that it would be horrible to be voted out before Jean-Robert.

Speaking of the great man, he spent most of the night idol hunting. He’s got every single one of the clues they’re going to give – and those production guys are not subtle – but it still seemed to take most of the night. In the end he collected up the three remaining plaques and decided that one of them must be it, and he just needed to figure out which one and not repeat Jaime’s mistake.

Todd, still snippy about James not giving back a real idol, decided to vote James out as soon as he didn’t win immunity since that would knock both out of play. Amanda had to yet again try and talk him out of changing plans mid-stream. Common sense didn’t work, but the horrifying discovery that Jean-Robert had come up with the exact same idea about James made it suddenly seem far less appealing. Funny about that.

Even funnier was that Jean-Robert got the idea of turning on his best pal James after Erik blabbed about the idols in James’ pants. He tried to trap James in a lie about what he knew and when, but even James – who is sweet, but confuses the words "immunity idol" and "immunisation idol" – managed to wiggle out of the not-very-cunning ‘trap’ set for him.

In a shock outcome, Courtney won the immunity challenge. It involved staying balanced on a barrel that was leaking water. She managed to remain perfectly still for nearly forty minutes, a feat she attributed jointly to sheer laziness and a desperate desire not to fall in the swamp.

Jaime graced the Tribal Council jury box in a dress and cowboy boots, looking more like Jessica Simpson than ever. Jean-Robert managed to wangle in a poker analogy, describing PG and Erik - the last remaining Crouching Tiger members - as having been dealt "the deuce-seven off-suit in a no limit game". Even I’ve played enough Texas Hold’em to know that means a really crappy hand, but I’ve also managed to keep a straight face holding a straight flush. In a repeat of the first episode, Jean-Robert’s face swung from horror at the first vote, to glee as James got three in a row (with Denise voting for PG for some weird reason), and back to despondency as the final four votes knocked him out of the game.

In his final interview he claimed that they voted him out because he was the best player and the biggest threat. The sad thing is that even if he watches the show and hears what they really said he’ll still believe it, which is precisely the personality flaw for which he was voted out in the first place. I bet he counts his money when he’s sittin’ at the table, too.