Survivor Fiji: week 10

And the winner is...
Earl! For Best Actor in a
Comedy/Drama

This week’s episode was all about the few hours from the end of the Immunity Challenge until after the tribe had spoken, so I’m going to skip over much of the first forty minutes, highlights of which included:

• Dreamz trying to construct whole sentences in recognisable English to explain why he voted for Michelle when he hates Stacey so much;
• Mookie trying to have a rational strategy discussion with Dreamz and eventually giving it up as a lost cause;
• Alex trying to get Mookie to share the immunity idol with him and eventually giving it up as a lost cause; and
• Boo trying to get on Earl’s good side and not realising it’s a lost cause.

The reward challenge was the one where each person who answers a question correctly gets to smash something representing another person in a none-too-subtle way of proving you want them out. The first layer of fun is in the catty nature of the questions, such as "Who would you be least likely to invite home for dinner?" (correct answer; Boo) and "Who smells the worst?" (correct answer; Dreamz).

The game was doubly cruel to Stacey. Not only is she the person nobody wants to see again (unanimously) and the person who others feel has most wasted this opportunity, but she was the first person knocked out of the game. It was hard to tell whether was more upset by the home truths or by being denied the chance to smash anyone else’s tiles in retribution.

Cassandra got every question right, winning a night on a luxury yacht and the chance to take three other people. She won because she’s politically smart, and she proved it by choosing to take Boo and Dreamz to bribe them into her alliance, and Yau-Man because he’s worked hard and deserves a break. Oh, and because he’s really smart and knew without being told that he was there to help brainwash Dreamz and Boo, even though that task would require very, very little soap to complete.

Poor Dreamz. Everyone knows he can’t be trusted with a secret because, as Alex so tactfully put it, he gets really honest. He promised the three other Horsemen (yes they’re all still carrying on with that rot) not to tell Cassandra about the idol they found. To be fair to him, technically he didn’t tell Cassandra; he told Cassandra and Earl and Yau-Man.

There needs to be a "Nobel Prize for Politics and Acting" just for Earl. Dreamz blurted out the news about the idol and Earl pretended not to believe him. True to form Dreamz kept on blabbing fact after fact to try and prove his credibility. And the look on Earl’s face as he said "What do you mean, it’s a turtle?" was just brilliant. It takes a lot of brains to play that dumb. And no, that’s not what Dreamz is doing.

Stacey desperately wanted – needed – to win the Immunity Challenge. She held on for a long time, but couldn’t beat Yau-Man in an endurance test that favoured those with strong arms and little feet.

The next few minutes was a mess of nine people trying to arrange how to vote and not be voted out. On one side was Alex’s alliance with Edgardo and Mookie. On the other side was Earl’s alliance with Yau-Man, Cassandra and now Boo. Floating in between and spreading disinformation in both camps were Stacey and Dreamz as the two least popular and most powerful on the beach, each desperately trying to prove they can be trusted by blowing the other alliance’s secrets. Yeah, that’s how to make people trust you.

Mookie was still furious at Cassandra for sending him to Exile Island two days earlier and wanted to punish her. But for some reason his preferred order to vote out the others is Earl then Boo then Yau-Man. And he wants to vote out Earl first because he thinks Earl has the idol. I’m going to assume that he’s assuming that Earl will assume they don’t know he’s got the idol so he won’t use it and that’s how they’ll vote him out even though he’s got the idol. Something like that, anyway. It didn’t make sense to me either.

Eventually – and it really did take an unforgivable amount of time - both alliances realised that targeting the person with immunity was perhaps a risky move, so we had a few more minutes of both sides changing who they were going to vote for, depending on the latest reports from Dreamz and Stacey.

Tribal Council was one of the best ever, and I’d love to know how many cameras they had to capture each look on each person’s face. At least one of those cameras was busy capturing a shot of the jury from behind, which necessitated a lot of pixelation to cover up Lisi’s bum crack.

Stacey and Dreamz (acting separately but with the same intent) had both convinced Alex that he’d been targeted for elimination, so he took the plunge and used Mookie’s precious immunity idol. Earl and his alliance managed to look worried. Mookie looked shattered that the idol was gone. Edgardo couldn’t keep the stupid grin off his face.

True to habit, Jeff had cunningly arranged the ballot papers so that he could read them out in the most ratings-grabbing order. Cassandra got the first three votes and looked worried. Earl and Yau-Man looked sombre. Boo looked like he normally does.

Then came a vote for Mookie from Dreamz, who thought he was voting with Earl’s tribe but had actually been left out of the last few plan changes. It’s going to be fun next week watching how he responds now that it’s clear he’s lost everyone’s trust, and whether he’ll understand how he brought that upon himself.

Finally came five votes in a row for Edgardo. It might have just been the editing, or it really might have taken him that long to work it out, but he kept grinning like an idiot for several second before it sunk in that he was a goner. Mookie was furious the idol had been wasted. Alex was horrified that the idol had been wasted and that he’s only got Mookie left on his side. Cassandra and Stacey both looked relieved. Earl and Yau-Man relaxed and looked smug.

Jeff just looked bemused, especially when he announced that the surrendered idol will be hidden again and new clues left on Exile Island. Perhaps Mookie won’t be so mad next time he gets sent there. Or perhaps the ad for next week was serious when it showed him going through Earl’s bags looking for the other one. How funny that Dreamz’s Lord of the Rings analogy about the idol being ‘precious’ was so accurate, and how unsurprising that he was referring to the movie not the book. Not that Dreamz would have known to call it an analogy. And Alex wasn’t really listening when he said it so perhaps it was a soliloquy, too.

Survivor Fiji: week 9

"Not a good tree mail."
You just don’t watch this show much,
Do you Cassandra.

There simply is no such thing as a good tree mail. Well, it’s really more the crappy "poems" that come with tree mail that are the problem. (I do occasionally wonder what became of Pam Ayres; now we know.) This week we had four separate crappy "poems" inflicted on us, which surely breaches Fiji’s Charter of Human Rights.

The first one told everyone to pack up their personal belongings and paddle to Exile Island. They were not allowed to take any tools, flints or rewards. The scene had started with some loving camera shots of Moto’s bed, couch, crockery, coffee and toiletries just to remind us of what they were leaving behind. At the time it seemed like just an excuse to play some more wacky luau music, but it turned out to have a purpose. More on that later.

The note was very explicit about what they could take with them, but when they got to Exile Island there was nobody there to check their luggage, not even Jeff. Well, a few cameramen but we’re all supposed to pretend they’re not there. The person most conspicuously absent from Ravu’s boat was Lisi, and yet nobody on Moto bothered to ask where she was. They clearly didn’t care.

The look-out tower housed this week’s second note, along with new purple buffs for everyone. The note advised that the merge, which even Dreamz could see coming, has now happened and they are one tribe. It also told them to paddle back to Moto’s camp where they will all be living from now on. For Boo, Cassandra and Stacey this meant not having to experience life without a decent shelter and plentiful food. For Edguardo, Alex and Dreamz it meant a return to the good life. Mookie kept sooking about how he’s the only one who’s never lived there and slept in the bed. Either he doesn’t remember building the shelter along with everyone else on the first day, or he’s trying to garner more sympathy and therefore more pillows.

Which brings us nicely to the third note. It was sitting in the old Moto camp on top of the single set of fishing gear, the two pots, the one flint and the bare ground. While the contestants were paddling out to Exile Island the camp was totally cleaned out. There’s no shelter, no bedding, no food, no coffee and no toiletries. Nada. And we at home know exactly what’s missing because we got that little inventory at the start.

The one thing everyone – except Boo – understood was that it’s now or never for alliances. The Ravu boys each had people from their old alliances who they were supposed to target for membership of a new group. Dreamz was to win over Cassandra, Mookie was to work on Yau-Man and Michelle, while Alex was going to sweet talk Stacey. Apparently Edguardo doesn’t have any friends.

The crazy thing is that they keep referring to themselves as "The Four Horsemen". I wonder what they’ll call themselves when there’s eight members of their alliance if they all succeed in their missions? I wonder if they really thought that name through. I wonder which one sees himself as Pestilence, which as War, which as Famine and which as Death.

The names Alex and Edguardo probably use to best represent Mookie and Dreamz are Dumb and Dumber. Before leaving Ravu they grilled Mookie about whether they could trust him as the keeper of the idol, and reiterated their plan not to tell Dreamz about it yet because he couldn’t be trusted not to blab to Cassandra. It turns out Mookie can’t be trusted not to blab to Dreamz.

Alex witnessed the announcement with barely contained fury. Smooth as ever he managed to twist "You can’t be trusted" into "You just get really honest" when Dreamz quite naturally asked why they didn’t tell him at the time. As much as I love to pay out on him, the wounded look on Dreamz’ face was a bit heart-wrenching. And he got really honest in his next one-on-one to the camera pointing out how and why he doesn’t trust the other Horsemen any more.

The only person not frantically working on new alliances was Boo, who is planning to sit back, let things shake out and then take a leadership role with whichever group wins. Unfortunately for Boo, he was the top of the "first to go" list that came out of every clandestine deal-making huddle. Fortunately for Boo the Immunity Challenge shook things up again in yet another twist. And fortunately for us we didn’t have to see the tree mail notifying them of challenge.

Before it started, each person had to reach into a bag and pull out at random either an orange or green tile. This is where it gets a bit confusing. They are all still in the new purple Bula Bula tribe, but the new green and orange groups had to compete against each other for immunity and a reward. The winners would get a feast, and the losers would be punished with not just a trip to Tribal Council but another mystery note, which is a cruel punishment but not all that unusual this episode.

As twists go it was a good one but as challenges go it was unoriginal. Teams had to paddle their boat through a course, collect bags of stuff and solve a puzzle. True to the Milton-Bradley / Mousetrap / ‘For Ages 8 to 80’ spirit of the whole thing, the bags had to be retrieved from what others might have described as a coil but looked to me like the top off a big Totem Tennis(TM) pole.

Both teams reached the first one at the same time. Jeff called out that there’s a strategic technique needed to get the bags down. He need not have wasted his breath for our sake because that was obvious by the way Yau-Man was retrieving the second one for his team by the time Stacey and then Dreamz each struggled before Alex finally took over and worked it out.

Too little too late however, so the team of Alex, Michelle, Dreamz, Stacey and Mookie were forced to watch as Jeff handed over a big plate of raw steak and veggies to the winners (which is apparently their reward, even though it had been sitting out in the tropical sun for a few hours). The losers also had to brace themselves for the final note, which simply read:

You will not be going back to camp,
There will be no time to strategize.
We’re heading to Tribal Council right now.

The only question I really wanted Jeff to ask was "Lisi, you’ve been in a luxury resort for three days now; why have you still not brushed your hair?" Unfortunately his questioning consisted solely of "[Person A] give me a reason to get rid of [Person B]." Once again, Alex’s smooth tongue won the day. One by one he simply answered that he had no reason for getting rid of any of the people Jeff named until it got to Michelle, in which instance he said "I don’t know Michelle as well as I know any of the other people here." It sent a clear message to the others that leader Alex had tagged Michelle for elimination. Even Dreamz understood it, although apparently Alex also should have explained to him that ‘Michelle’ is not spelt ‘Mechelle’.

Either way, yet another girl is gone. We don’t know whether the orange and green teams will continue, but I’m sure the next tree mail will explain it in excruciating rhyme and metre.

Survivor Fiji: week 8

Memo to Lisi:
Dreamz may be a bit slow, but
You’re an idiot.

Seriously, Lisi, you’re a fool of the highest magnitude. By the time tonight’s episode went to air in Australia the entire series was finished in the U.S., so you’ve already seen the difference between your perception of reality and actual reality. Well, the editor’s version at least. Let’s go back over some of your finest moments so you can relive the shame.

The episode started with a recap of last week and your decision to tell Edguardo and Alex that the individual immunity idol – the thing that gives you protection through to the final five - is buried in your camp right where you all sleep. I understand that you’re in an alliance with them, and that you think you can trust them, but it’s a million dollars at stake.

And it turns out you really shouldn’t trust Edguardo and Alex. They filled Mookie in on the clues, and the three of them managed to dig up the idol while you and Dreamz slept on in blissful ignorance (which is virtually a permanent state for both of you). They dug a foot-deep hole in hard ground a meter from where you dozed and you didn’t even stir. You stayed in the same foetal position, backside facing the camera. It was an unflattering angle because you were wearing light-coloured pants and had previously sat on something dirty, making it look like you’d soiled yourself. Embarrassing for you, funny for us.

You’ve done some one-on-one camera interviews that were cringe-worthy, but the best of them was when you recapped the story of waking up to find Mookie playing in the dirt near your feet. We all know that he was filling the hole back in to hide the fact that they found the idol and have no intention of even telling you about it, let along sharing. Your version of the story went as follows: "This morning Mookie was trying to be a little discreet, flipping leaves and playing with the ground, and I was like, ‘What, idol digging?’ and he had no choice but to say ‘Um, yeah’ and I’m like ‘Dude, you’re gonna have to get up really early in the morning to fool an old cat like me. What’s wrong with you?"

There may actually be something wrong with Mookie, because no normal person would have been able to keep such a straight face while diligently helping you re-dig the now empty idol hole, let alone when Edguardo walked up and said "I already checked that part. It’s not there." Hey, he was telling the truth!

The reward challenge, as you may remember, involved learning to dance the traditional Fijian Meke and then performing for the locals. You were hopeless, although it’s hard to tell whether that’s because you’ve got no rhythm or because you don’t take the challenges seriously and don’t see the point of getting psyched up to try and win. At least you had the sense to only express that view to the camera, not your tribe mates. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't. Surely you didn't!

Earl was the star of the challenge, drawing on his inner Michael Jackson to get some cool black-dude dance moves happening and laughing at Boo’s "white guy thang". He needs to remember that Michael Jackson isn’t black any more, and hasn’t been a winner for a long time.

Moto is undeniably strong at collecting puzzle pieces, undoing knots and raising flags but it turns out they’re pretty good at dancing too. I’d love to have had subtitles during the judges’ deliberations at the end, but they were definitely not needed to understand the looks of disgust on their faces during Ravu’s lame effort. Jeff told them that authenticity would be one of the judging criteria, so it's inexplicable why Dreamz threw in a back flip at the end. I didn't see any Fijians doing back flips.

Lisi, the look of disgust on your face when you got sent to Exile Island again gets my award for Cat’s Bum Mouth of the series thus far. Earl explained that they chose you so nobody else in that tribe gets any clues as the location of the immunity idol. It obviously hasn’t occurred to him that you’d be so stupid as to tell anyone the clues you’ve already got. It probably hasn’t even occurred to him that the Ravu camp idol has already been found, since you’re the only one in your tribe to have seen the clues, and he knows you’re too stupid and lazy to have found it on your own.

Before you accuse me of being harsh, you’re so stupid you took shelter during a lighting storm in the lookout tower, the highest point on Exile Island. If it was just you I wouldn’t care, but you had the cameraman up there with you and he was holding a big chunk of metal. That makes you a dangerous idiot.

Yau-Man is exceedingly smart, so it’s lucky you’ve never been on the same tribe as him because it would make the comparison that much more stark. Ravu keep laughing at what a weedy little old man he is, but brains will beat brawn any day. Brains will also beat braggarts. Edguardo will never again refer publicly to his supposed archery skills after making a statement like "I never say I’m pretty good at stuff, but I’m pretty good at archery" prior to the challenge, and then not even reaching the target - let alone hitting it - when his tribe needed him to at least force a tie-breaker.

Teams took turns with a blow dart, then a spear, then a bow and arrow to hit targets. Contestants competed in the same order each time, and every time Yau-Man’s shot for Moto was so good – and Edguardo’s shot as the last person for Ravu was so bad – that Earl didn’t even need to have his turn. Yau-Man did simple but logical things like finding the balance point of the spear and choosing the straightest arrow in the quiver. Lisi, you did simple and illogical things like laughing at the failings of your own tribe.

I use the phrase "your own tribe" because you are part of that tribe whether you like it or not, and you’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t. You described "them" as losers and a sinking ship, including one pronunciation of ‘loser’ which you extended to five syllables. You probably thought that was funny at the time. I wonder if you still found it funny watching the episode at home?

At least you weren’t a total hypocrite, telling the entire tribe that you want to be voted out because they are all losers who would lose the next challenge and you’d get sent back to Exile Island again. There’s no ‘i’ in team but there’s two in Lisi.

And yet, ten minutes before Tribal Council, you decided to hang around after all. Why? Because you wanted another chance. You’d changed your mind. You’d decided to try and hang in there, maybe, sort of. All the way through Tribal Council your best – nay, only – defence was that you wanted another chance. You wanted the others to vote for Dreamz even though he really wants to stay. You accused Dreamz of quitting halfway through challenges but then couldn’t give a single example to prove your case. You don’t even understand the concept of a Yes or No question, so I’ll explain it. When someone says "Do you want to be here? Yes or No?" you are supposed to say either 'Yes' or 'No'. "Can’t I catch a break?" and "So now I’m at fault for being honest and saying I have to think for a minute!" are not correct answers, although the latter is at least true.

The two funniest non-Lisi moments of the whole episode were:

1. Rocky running up the stairs to the Tribal Council chambers like he was out front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the stirring da-daaa-daaaaaa of Gonna Fly Now was playing the background; and
2. Dreamz attempting to pronounce ‘soliloquy’ again, and saying ‘recipitate’ instead of ‘resuscitate’. Honey, stick to words of less that four syllables.

Last week Edguardo and Alex justified getting rid of Rocky because loyalty is more important than strength when the merge is nigh. This week they decided that mental stability is even more important. Since you’re loyal but unstable, and not a very smart game player (Edguardo’s description, not mine) you’re useless. Now you even know that the vote against you was unanimous.

As Jeff said at the end, if there’s one truth in this game it’s that;
"You have to want to
Win to make it to the end."
Suck on that, Lisi.

Survivor Fiji: week 7a

It's the Wimbledon
Men's Final. No Survivor.
Early night for me!

Survivor Fiji: week 7

A jury is made
Up of twelve good men and true;
And, it seems, Rocky.

Week seven, and still not even a hint of romance. Normally by now one of the buffed young guys would have been helping one of the blonde young girls stay warm at night by snuggling up to her in the shelter. The only three women left are all on the same tribe and none of them are blonde. Also the only buffed young guy on that tribe is Boo, and they all seem to value their dignity too much to go there.

The other tribe does have Lisi, who has sort of dirty yellow hair (where her last home bleach job grew out) and is young, and she is surrounded by buffed young guys. Trouble is she’s just as buffed as they are, as evidenced by the ease with which she carried three pint glasses of beer during the reward challenge. More on that later.

Actually there almost was some romance when Edguardo sat next to Rocky on a log and tried to talk strategy. The answer to Edguardo’s question "What do you think?" was answered "I think you should [expletive and pixelation of Rocky’s potty mouth] push over unless you want to make out with me." No romance there.

No, the real romance this week was at Moto’s camp. Earl once again got the rest of the tribe away so that Yau-Man could look for the immunity idol. Digging with a pick axe and shovel that were just laying around the Moto camp was much easier than trying to do it at the Ravu camp with just a machete, and he soon had a rather cute turtle necklace in his hands. He was a bit excited. Actually he was very excited. He started kissing the turtle and didn’t stop. He may have actually licked it. Not a good look.

In his excitement he also slipped from talking about the immunity idol in the plural form ‘we’ (which featured so heavily in his negotiations with Earl) into the singular form ‘me’ (for example, "This looks so good on me!") Their plan for sharing the idol is that if they hear Earl is about to be voted out he gets it, and if it’s Yau-Man’s scrawny neck on the chopping block he keeps it. Sounds fair. I just hope they put all this in writing because I really can’t see either of them wanting to share when the going gets tough and a million dollars is at stake.

Yau-Man is still a winner in my book, though. The reward challenge involved throwing flaming balls at targets. For once teams had to set a flag on fire instead of lighting a fire to raise a flag. Gee, where do they keep coming up with all these totally original ideas?

The buffed young men of Moto all laughed when it was Yau-Man’s turn. Mookie was especially cruel in him imitation of Yau-Man’s wobbly throwing arm. He might want to remember that Yau-Man is smart and knows his physics, as proven on day one when all the brawn in the camp couldn’t open a sealed timber box by hitting it with heavy things, while Yau-Man casually dropped it on its corner – the weakest point - and smashed it open. Naturally Yau-Man’s shot landed in just the right spot and Mookie ended up looking stupid and embarrassed. Mookie could easily be the Ralph Macchio to Yau-Man’s Mr Miyagi if he were more open to learning from little old smart guys.

Mookie was happy again when Ravu finally achieved their first win for the season. Reward was a trip to a games arcade on a nearby island with all the beer and hot dogs they could eat. The Kava Bowl (that’s seriously one of the best business names I’ve seen in ages) was true to its promise and featured intoxicating substances and ten pin bowling among other delights such as Foosball, billiards, video golf, unlimited hot dogs and the ultimate reward luxury of a nice clean china toilet to throw up in.

With his camp’s idol already located, Earl didn’t even bother reading the next location clue when he got to Exile Island. It was his third trip there so he figures it’s now his, and he spent the time productively designing a logo for his new tourism resort called Earl Island (sorry, that’s nowhere near is good as The Kava Bowl). Earl works in advertising so I was expecting a slightly more integrated above-the-line campaign than just a single televised product placement and no other media presence. At the very least I thought he’d avoid an obvious mistake like forgetting to give the website address or the reservations phone number.

Yau-Man also spent a productive afternoon creating a decoy immunity idol out of half a coconut and some yellow paint before burying it where the clues say to look. If Boo gets sent to Exile Island and manages to a) read the clues and b) work out what they mean, he might go digging and find it. I’m singling out Boo because he’s the only one in that tribe stupid enough to fall for it.

I should probably just stop for a second here and confess that Boo isn’t stupid just because he can’t tell left from right. Some of the worst navigational mistakes in my marriage have occurred because I sometimes do the same thing. To my credit though, I’d have self-corrected if my darling hubby was screaming "No, LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! THE OTHER LEFT!"

To explain why left and right is important you need to know that this week’s immunity challenge involved blindfolded contestants making their way across a course to smash pinatas (charmingly made out of a human skulls) and retrieve the obligatory puzzle pieces, guided by a team mate yelling out directions. Michelle did an excellent job calling for Moto - even falling off the look-out tower in her excitement, all of which was brilliantly captured on camera - until it was Boo’s turn. She quite possibly wanted to cave his skull in with the traditional Fijian war club when her repeated screams of "LEFT! The other way! Your left!" were ignored.

She was so hoarse by the time he got it right (pardon the pun) that Yau-Man could hardly hear her when it was his turn. Boo told her to swap out, got to the top of the look-out platform and only then remembered that he was blind for some reason that was never explained (although as I said, there’s been no romance - of any kind - this season). Boo couldn't even see Yau-Man let alone tell him where to go. Now do you forgive me for being so harsh on him?

I’ve perhaps been a little bit harsh on Lisi, too. After losing the immunity challenge for the seventh week in a row the mood at Ravu was low. Rocky did his usual temper tantrum. Alex and Edguardo did the math and figured that with the merge and the switch to individual immunity challenges so close, loyalty is more valuable than physical strength. They decided to keep Lisi since she still believes her original alliance is solid and is therefore easy to manipulate (wow, she must have been embarrassed sitting home these last few weeks and learning what those boys said about her behind her back!) They even manipulated her into telling them where the Ravu immunity idol is buried. And she fell for it!

Dreamz announced that he knowz Rocky and knowz that he don’t really meanz what he sayz an all that. Dreamz also believez that Rocky knowz that hiz head'z on the choppin block tonight. Oh Dreamz, you iz sadly mistaken and you do not know Rocky at all if you honestly believe that.

Lisi was also sadly mistaken. As Jeff read her name out on the first vote she did a big fake-terrified nail-biting pantomime that wasn’t nearly as funny as she probably thought it was. The stunned look on her face as the second vote was read out, again featuring her name, was much funnier than she could have ever intended.

Unfortunately she had a good reason to look smug by the end when Rocky was announced as the seventh person voted off and the first member of the jury. She wouldn’t look so smug if she knew that her description of having had a ‘spiritual enlightenment’ on Exile Island was accessorised in the editing suite by a ‘bo-ing!!’ comedy sound effect straight out of America’s Funniest Home Video. She’s going to look like an even bigger fool next week. More on that later...

Survivor Fiji: week 6

"Drop your buffs!" said Jeff.
It’s Cassandra’s lucky day
And don’t she know it!

To this day I don’t know why a circle of brightly printed lycra is called a buff, but it is in Survivor land and it shows which tribe each person belongs to. "Drop your buffs!" means you’re about to get a new one and, ergo, a new tribe. If you’re really keen they’re available for sale on the CBS website. I checked a few seasons ago and then came to my senses and resisted the urge.

This week the order to drop buffs came only minutes into the episode, before the credits had even run. To ensure an even spread - and the complete eradication of all alliances - a person from each tribe stepped forward and then had to pick someone from the other tribe, who then also had to pick someone from the opposite tribe to them. All of Anthony’s high school nightmares came true as he was the last Ravu person to be assigned to a tribe. He managed not to cry, sort of.

Lisi was the last one left not on a team, which was a smart move on everyone’s part because she’s just the most awful person out there this year. In addition to the physical resemblance to Fergie the Duchess of York, Lisi is every bit as awkward and bumbling and inappropriate. She stupidly got it into her head that she’d be going home as a result, and even seemed rather pleased by that. She was not grateful to learn she’s still in the game, and distinctly displeased to be sent to Exile Island instead. Maybe the snake will get her.

The reward challenge for the week was a very simple one. Edguardo and Earl played Rock Paper Scissors to determine who picked a random buff out of a bag held over Jeff’s head. Edguardo won RPS but lost big time by picking the buff that sent his team back to the resourceless Ravu beach. Another way to look at it was that everyone got a reward as there was a feast of fruit, cheese and crackers waiting at each camp on their return, and the challenge for the original Ravu members was eating slowly enough to prevent a huge upset to their unaccustomed digestive systems.

The new Ravu tribe is comprised entirely of blokes: Rocky, Mookie, Alex, Edguardo and Dreamz. The blokes are delighted that there’s no girls in their tribe. They think girls are nice to look at and touch and make out with, but they’re too stupid and delicate for that kind of tough environment and therefore just a distraction. It’s an attitude straight out of 1953. It’s like Survivor Kirribilli House.

I should point out that Anthony is on the same tribe. He’s a little more enlightened than the rest, which in their eyes makes him a big girl. He even described himself as a black male Cinderella. They left him behind to tend the fire and boil drinking water and other women's work, while they did manly things like fishing and poking crabs with sticks and hanging out on the beach. As much as I despite their attitudes, I might feel more kindly toward Anthony if he didn’t complain so much about it not being his fault that he’s a nerd. Make an effort, not an excuse.

Knowing it’s a numbers game, Alex and Edguardo quickly recruited Mookie to their alliance and informed Dreamz that he’s in with them whether he likes it or not. In probably his smartest move all series Dreamz kept his mouth shut and in the process managed not to say something stupid. Rocky seems to think he’s in the gang too, but he’s merely being tolerated because he’s more masculine than Anthony, which is the most important thing in Ravu these days.

By comparison, the greatest friction between old and new at Moto came from Stacey imploring Earl not to get into the king size bed while he’s dirty. Earl, Yau-Man and Michelle couldn’t believe their luck at the luxury. Boo was smart enough to recognise that his cosy alliance is now history, but stupid enough to still be bragging that if it weren’t for this twist he was guaranteed to win the million dollars. Cassandra brought Earl and Yau-Man hot coffee in china cups while they fished, and ‘allowed’ herself to be talked into joining the three former Ravus at Boo and Stacey’s expense. She’s been waiting for that chance a long time, and was patient enough not to blow it. Slowly slowly catchee monkey.

Moto won immunity yet again despite its new composition. Yau-Man was happy to win for the first time and even happier that a few days of decent food finally gave him the strength to carry the team flag. The six members of each tribe were tethered together and had to move through an obstacle course, testing each team’s ability to communicate with each other. The outcome really wasn’t a surprise, because a team of silver backs each trying to out-brawn the others and justify his own place at the top of the pack was never going to win.

Tribal Council was little more than an argument between Rocky and Anthony about whether standing up for oneself is manly or proof of poor social skills. Anthony was rational and articulate and claimed that he’d bitten his tongue so the tribe could remain cohesive and perhaps win a challenge. It was an impassioned speech. Unfortunately it was also an extremely poor tactic because it reminded all the blokes that they’re losers and they immediately voted him out.

The good news for Lisi is that she’s still in the game. The bad news is that on her return from Exile Island she replaces Anthony in the Ravu tribe with no equipment and five boys who don’t want her there. The good news is that if they continue their strategy of voting out the most feminine tribemate she’s safe for several weeks yet.

Survivor Fiji: week 5

Confucius (Yau-Man)
Say: Love many, trust few and
Do wrong to no-one.

Confucius (the real one), Sun Tzu and Machiavelli all had influence from beyond the grave this week as the politics and strategising heats up.

Earl joined forces with Yau-Man in the hunt for the immunity idol. Well, he deliberately got everyone else out of camp so that Yau-Man had a private chance to look for it based on the new info he got last week on Exile Island; he didn't do any actual searching himself. Between Yau-Man being such a nerdy little computer boffin, and a machete not being such a great digging tool, the opportunity was wasted. It was also unclear what direct benefit Earl will receive from his effort, although I’m sure the afore-mentioned philosophers would each have plenty to say about his tactics and Yau-Man seemed grateful.

To remind us that life there is just one big party, our first look at Moto for the week was accompanied by jaunty luau music that would be perfect had this been Survivor Hawaii. Just in case we hadn’t spotted the difference between the camps yet, Earl explained the disparity using an analogy that included The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Good Times. If there’s a future challenge based on ethnic minority television he’s got it won.

The disparity is also causing difficulties for the producers trying to come up with reward challenge prizes which will generate an enthusiastic "Yeah!" from both tribes when Jeff inevitably asks "Worth playing for?", which he has done before every reward challenge in all 14 seasons.

Tree mail brought a catalogue of prize options instead of a crappy poem (which was a reward in itself) and instructions to choose two items on the basis that the winning tribe would get both sets of goodies. Despite admitting they don’t really need any more luxuries, Moto went for toiletries and coffee. Despite some heavy-duty drooling over the chocolate cake, Ravu went for the highly practical cooking pot full of potatoes and the same set of fishing gear which Moto has now won twice.

Make that three times. The challenge was a mano a mano cross between Sumo wrestling and a pillow fight set on a platform above a mud flat. Competitors had to push each other into the mud using big cushions, with the first team to win seven bouts earning immunity. Yau-Man managed to beat Stacey, but since that was the only mixed-gender matching (and perhaps the only one where the heavier competitor lost) it was hardly worth crowing about. Actually the effort took so much out of him that he was incapable of doing much more than smile and laugh at himself for beating up on a girl.

It was to be the only bout that Ravu won, with Moto having a definite weight and strength advantage. A rematch between Rita and Cassandra presented another opportunity for Ravu since Rita simply had to sidestep and Cassy’s momentum would have sent her straight over the edge like a freight train, but Rita isn’t that smart. She wasn’t even smart enough to let go of the cushion to break her fall into the mud. Not even the second time. At least she remembered to hold her bikini top in place, although the pixelating machine wouldn't have been needed due to the mud.

Earl’s stay on Exile Island added another clue to the idol’s whereabouts, but nothing he didn’t already know. It seems like Earl wants to believe Yau-Man’s claim to have not found the idol yet but is finding it hard since the clues are so obvious. The question now is whether Yau-Man will help Earl find the idol, and who gets to keep any result of their joint effort.

At least Earl’s 24 hours on Exile Island spared him 24 hours of listening to Rita’s inane chatter. At Tribal Council she tried to justify the non-stop soliloquies as "telling little stories I think will entertain people and keep their mind off the dire situation we’re in." Hey don’t laugh, she’s right: when you’re that weak it’s hard to remember how hungry you are and at the same time quell the urge to choke someone.

Moto’s coffee fix meant they were having no trouble at all concentrating. For Lisi and Stacey this meant focussing on how best to completely ostracise the two remaining non-members of their alliance (both of whom are African American...). They teased Dreamz mercilessly for not knowing how to make coffee using a French press plunger (he thought it was instant and just added water to the spoonful of coffee in his mug then wondered why it had so many bits in it). Cassandra just got the dregs once everyone else had finished, Cinderella style. It was cruel and unnecessary, and way too high school for Alex and Edguardo’s comfort. They can see that even if Moto wins every remaining immunity challenge it will still be seven-three going into the merge, which equates to five-five if Dreamz and Cassandra change sides. After all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend and our philosopher pals would all have plenty to say about the current situation. They wouldn’t, however, have necessarily had any more luck banging the cold logic of the numbers into Boo, Lisi and Stacey’s heads than Alex and Edguardo did. Dreamz and Cassandra have done the numbers too, although in Dreamz’s dreams Moto wins all the challenges and he doesn’t get voted out before they even get to the merge. In his dreams there's also no sudden twist rearrangement of the tribes to stuff up everyone's plans and keep the ratings up.

Ravu almost did win immunity this week in a large-scale version of Kim’s game. Yau-Man got an easy one wrong, and then Lisi fell flat on her face - both literally and figuratively - in her excitement to show him up. She’s allegedly a customer service rep on a psychic phone line, which doesn’t explain why she: a) didn’t know where the correct match up was; and b) couldn’t read her tribemates’ minds when they all non-verbally told her - and then not so non-verbally moaned "NO" - as she tried to turn over the wrong match, disqualifying her in the process.

Cassandra, true to her name, did have enough psychic ability to win for Moto after Rocky missed an easy one. He accepted responsibility for the loss, but claimed that everyone else telling him what to do was really confusing and that as a tribe they all need to learn when not to speak. No Rocky, either you don’t have enough strength of character to believe in yourself or you have enough self awareness to know better than to believe in yourself. It’s not everyone else’s fault you got it wrong.

Michelle organised a quorum of people willing to vote Anthony out, but before anyone got a chance to brief the absent Rocky on the decision he’d started lobbying to get rid of Rita with apparent success if the editing is anything to go by, which it usually isn't. At Tribal Council Rita talked about talking, which provoked much eye rolling from the boys, and Yau-Man gave the basis of this week’s haiku as his personal philosophy in answer to a question from Jeff about trusting people, which Earl was fascinated by. Nobody produced the immunity idol, and Rita became the fifth woman voted out in what is by far the most misogynistic series in Survivor history.

The ad for next week features the chilling phrase "Drop your buffs!" and what looks like a reshuffle of the teams and a random draw for who gets the good camp. Didn't see that coming did we Dreamz!

Survivor Fiji: week 4

A soliloquy
Is not an excuse to talk
When no-one listens

Mark Burnett and his fellow Survivor producers seem to have some sort of magical gag over contestants because they NEVER talk to each other during the return trip from a challenge or Tribal Council. It gives the camera crew time to get set up in camp before the recriminations start, and make sure not a juicy second is missed.

This week they must have been wishing they could gag Earl even after he was back at camp. Earl wanted a calm, rational discussion to clear the air and prevent social pressures from building to the point where someone explodes. Luckily for the ratings Rocky had plenty to say in a soliloquy at Anthony that was as illogical and sexist as it was one-sided. Apparently he’s not used to dealing with people who are emotional, unless it’s a ‘broad’ (no offence to the ladies). And (no offence to Anthony) but apparently he doesn’t deserve to be there as much as Jessica and Erica, with whom Rocky did get along even though they’re both ‘broads’ and Erica was ridiculously emotional. If they deserved to still be in the tribe more than Anthony why didn’t Rocky lobby harder to keep Jessica, and why did he lobby so hard to get rid of Erica? He finished with the words "some people got it and some people don’t". Presumably the ‘it’ about which he spoke was hypocrisy.

Poor Anthony. Apparently he got picked on in the playground as child, and here someone is picking on him in front of the whole world in the manner of a child. He assures us, however, that "If they want me off this island they’re going to have to push me off!" His performance in this week’s reward challenge suggests he’ll probably fall off before they get that chance. He couldn’t stay on the balance beam, which was enough for Ravu to lose yet again and for Moto to add a king-sized bed and a spice rack to their already impressive camp facilities.

Rocky’s reaction to losing yet again (once they were back at camp and the camera crew shouted "Action") was just as irrational and spectacular as his earlier outburst promised him capable of being. He threw coconuts, shouted, blamed Anthony – which was actually justifiable this time – walked around naked for a bit and then put on one of Rita’s many bikini tops and turned up for the next challenge in drag. Bless him.

As this episode went to air in Australia, Paris Hilton was being released from prison to home detention because she was crying a lot and has a bad rash. Papa Smurf Gary was evacuated from Moto’s camp to resort detention because he wasn’t breathing a lot and has a bad rash comprised entirely of insect bites. He’s had malaria and done a tour of ‘Nam but neither was as bad as the way his broken ribs were making him feel. Lisi’s laugh couldn’t have been helping either.

The decision that Papa Smurf was too sick to return to the game must have come through after the immunity challenge was all set up and ready to go, because in previous seasons they’d have just cancelled it and Tribal Council for the week. Instead the challenge went ahead, with a nasty little twist at the end.

This one had lots of swimming and unlocking each other from bamboo cages. Moto won of course, and then found out that they could keep either immunity OR their luxury camp, but not both. They chose luxury, so Ravu got a week off from Tribal Council and Yau-Man has an extra three days to try and dig up the immunity idol following his stay on Exile Island and receipt of the fourth clue.

Andre aka Dre aka ‘Dreamz’ is Moto’s version of James aka Boston aka Rocky. His strategic approach to their first Tribal Council was to talk at his tribe mates for over half a minute, with many references to snakes but no reference to anything intelligible about what they should do. Finally he announced his solution: "There’s two people we can afford to lose and – I ain’t pointin’ no fingers – (points at Lisi) it’s Lisi (points at Cassandra) and Cassandra." Logically what he said was correct because the double negative meant he was pointing at those two, but logic doesn’t really feature much in Dreamzland.

Lisi was bemused because she seems to have a pretty solid alliance with four of the others. Cassandra was just horrified because with Papa Smurf gone she’s the next oldest person in the tribe. Alex and Edguardo both refused to vote for Lisi and said they would therefore vote for Cassandra. Liliana – who has barely said two words on camera all season but has done a lot of bedtime massages for the buff young men in her tribe –told Cassandra that she had to vote for her to stay in good with the rest and protect her own interests. Oddly enough, nobody mentioned just getting rid of Dreamz instead.

Those who actually still watch the show will be familiar with the little moments of the local wildlife going about its day that get edited in between scenes and in the return from ad breaks. Sometimes it’s a dangerous beastie like a crocodile, sometimes it’s a little cutie like a fruit bat with big puppy eyes, and sometimes it’s a creepy crawly like a big spider. This week we had a twelve second close-up (yes, I rewound and timed it) of one snake sliding forward out of another snake’s mouth. There’s conjecture in our house that it was a snake shedding its skin, but they both had eyeballs and the one doing the regurgitating had a tongue. I don’t know how the other snake got in there. I don’t know why it suddenly wanted out. I’ve watched it too many times now and I don’t want to see anything like it ever again.

Anyway, back at Moto, Lisi and Stacey tried to convince the three boys in their alliance to vote out Liliana instead of Cassandra. The boys said it didn’t make any sense since Liliana is as strong as the boys in the challenges and Cassandra is bad at everything. What they perhaps meant is that Liliana gives really good massages and Cassandra is, like, old (for the record she’s only 42, but remember this is Hollywood).

Dreamz clearly has no idea what a soliloquy is but at Tribal Council he assured Jeff that he didn’t go off on one, which Lisi had accused him of doing. Actually he assured Jeff that he didn’t go off on a "shaquilla or whatever..." Boo laughed, but I suspect that’s just because everyone else laughed. There’s no way we’ll be hearing Boo doing scenes from Hamlet any time soon to demonstrate his extensive knowledge of English Literature.

Maybe it was a done deal before Tribal Council, or maybe what convinced people how to vote was the bit where Cassandra complemented Liliana on how strong she is and how far she’ll go in the game, but was really pointing out what a threat Liliana will be if she’s allowed to stay. Either way, the massage queen is gone (it's been all girls so far) and Cassandra lives another day. Actually if Moto keep winning challenges at this rate they won’t be back at Tribal Council for a while yet and she’ll make it onto to the jury!

Survivor Fiji: week 3

Since Smurfs have blue skin,
To what colour do they change
When they cannot breathe?

James/Boston/Rocky, who is simply being credited as Rocky these days even by Jeff, started off this week by describing his tribe as "the biggest group of losers that Survivor’s ever seen". First of all, please use the correct terminology: "the biggest group of losers in Survivor history". Second, you’re wrong: that honour goes to the Ulong tribe from Survivor Palau which only had one member by the time of the ‘merge’. They managed to disintegrate through sheer lack of spirit, whereas Ravu have the quite valid excuse of no food, no water, no shelter AND no spirit.

They do have fire now, at least. The sun finally came out long and strong enough for Michelle to get one going using Yau-Man’s spectacles and some coconut husks. They were so busy celebrating their impending survival that the fire almost went out again. I’m sure Charles Darwin would have something to say about such stupidity.

By comparison, the Moto crew decided to paint the shelter floor a nice shade of duck egg blue, ostensibly to keen the ants out (what, their little legs will stick in the wet paint?) but probably because they were just bored with eating and napping. As Boo observed, it’s "thrival" more than "survival". Just remember Boo that you are camping in the tropics with multiple axe wounds, and are thus a walking candidate for septicemia.

This week we had separate reward and immunity challenges for the first time this season. The reward challenge, with a choice of prizes on offer, was a big slip’n’slide with numbered balls suspended above it and a basketball ring at the far end. Survivors went head to head to grab a particular numbered ball, with the first one to sink it in the basket at the end winning a point for their team. Did you spot the novelty? No knots to undo, no puzzle pieces to collect and no flags to raise!

Jeff did his normal thing with the commentating, but they really should have shipped in Fiona McDonald. Remember Jackie’s sister who hosted "It’s A Knockout" in the mid-eighties? Her catch-phrase was "And he’s fall-hall-hall-en over ha ha ha". There was a lot of that. There wasn’t a lot of Ravu winning. There was a lot of pixelation when Rita’s bikini top did some slipping and sliding of its own. And there wasn’t much grief when Sylvia got sent back to Exile Island for a second stint.

Moto’s Gary has been nicknamed Papa Smurf, presumably for his blue t-shirt and shorts. He took a very heavy spill on the slip’n’slide and broke at least one rib. Back at camp they had to call out the paramedics because he could hardly breathe and was getting dizzy and vague as a result. All the paramedics could do was tell him to take some aspirin and call them in the morning if it got worse, but he really seemed to be struggling. Cassandra was so worried she was in tears. Alex was also emotional, but more in the sense that someone else has shown weakness and he’s now much less likely to be the first Moto member voted off.

Of course, Moto need to lose a challenge before they vote anyone off and that didn’t happen this week. Sylvia came back from Exile Island just in time for the long overdue return of my personal favourite, the Gross Food Challenge. Last seen in Palau with the unforgettable balut, this was a more traditional Gross Food Challenge with a range of local ‘delicacies’ such as clams, peanut worms, octopus tentacles, sea cucumber, fish eyes and - for dessert - pig snouts. Ravu should have been a certainty to win since they’re desperate for both food and a victory, and Moto all looked kind of bloated after lunch.

Rocky and Mookie both won their rounds, and Anthony and Sylvia both lost theirs and were targeted for elimination in some interesting tribal politics. There was a genuine fear that Sylvia had found the idol during her most recent stay on Exile Island and would have immunity. If the vote for Sylvia was unanimous, and if she possessed and played the immunity idol, then whomever she had voted for would have the next highest number of votes and be eliminated. To prevent that from being someone in this week’s version of his alliance, Rocky arranged for a couple of people to vote for Anthony. I’m not sure whether Rita was supposed to vote for Sylvia or Anthony, but neither of those names is spelt E-A-R-L so who knows what she was doing.

Regardless, Sylvia didn’t have the immunity idol and enough of the others managed to vote correctly for her to be sent home. Anthony, however, was a bit upset by the votes he received and the ad for next week shows him with a quivering lip of which any petulant four year old would be proud. Anthony, your team might have fire and therefore drinking water now but you can’t afford to waste precious bodily fluids on tears.

Survivor Fiji: week 2

First, here's this week's haiku:

Be more careful, Boo!
Half a brain (times axe) equals
One eye, hand and leg.

It seems in recent years there’s been more and more instances of "the most [insert adjective and noun] in Survivor history." This week in his recap on the previous episode, Jeff referred to "the most elaborate camp in Survivor history". Another way to describe it might be "the most desperate grab for ratings in Survivor history."

We started with one of the most desperate searches for potable water in Survivor history at the Ravu camp. They won’t get flint until they win a challenge, and without fire they can’t boil water. It’s only day four and already they’re so dehydrated that they resorted to licking water drops off leaves. Anthony kindly pointed out that the palms taste best, as we cut to footage of Michelle staggering along and finally falling over from thirst and hunger.

By comparison, at Moto there was an earnest discussion on whether to eat or throw out the leftover rice, and did anyone want any more mango? Luxury, however, is no antidote to stupidity. Lisi has perhaps the most annoying laugh in Survivor history (triggered in this instance by her killing an ant with a hammer), and Boo performed the longest fart in Survivor history. One of his eyes is all red because he walked into a sign and dinted the eyeball. Alex tried to flush it out for him (lucky he’s in the camp with plenty of boiled water), but not long after being discharged from the makeshift field hospital Boo started chopping up things with an axe in what appeared to be his idea of fun. He dropped the axe right near his foot, which roused a chorus of "Boo, be careful!" from a few of the girls. This was quickly followed by a wet thud, a moan and a beautifully framed camera shot of most of the tribe looking up and wincing. In one stroke he had managed to cut his hand AND his leg. "I think I need medical attention" is perhaps the biggest understatement in Survivor history. But wait, there’s more! The hammock collapsing under him as he recuperated probably wasn’t his fault, but it was still funny. Thanks to Boo, this season will be the highest Workcover premiums in Survivor history.

Sylvia suffered a huge shock on her return from Exile Island. She received a warm welcome as she waded ashore, including three passionate hugs from Yau-Man who was actually just trying to see if the Immunity Idol was in her bag. Her complaints about how tough it is out there fell on deaf ears, but not the word ‘flint’ when she bragged about having managed to start a fire. To be fair we should remember that she was sent to Exile Island before Jeff announced that one tribe would keep the elaborate camp and the other would start with nothing, and had no idea that bringing the flint home would have perhaps guaranteed her place in the tribe more effectively than the idol.

Actually perhaps nothing can guarantee a place in a tribe. After days of – pardon the pun – fruitlessly searching their island for any kind of food, Erica stumbled across a batch of ripe, sweet, juicy pineapples and was instantly deified. The food and liquid gave Ravu hope for the upcoming challenge, which was again a combination of reward and immunity and yet again a combination of collecting puzzle pieces, undoing knots, completing the puzzle and raising a flag.

Despite their desperate physical state, Ravu were first back to the beach with all their boxes and first to start on the puzzle. It was only in the post mortem that we learned Ravu had decided at the start of the challenge who would do what, and that Erica was not assigned to puzzle solving (let’s face it; she’s not the sharpest machete in the archipelago). Despite an apparently clear designation of duties she tried to get involved, screaming – in piercing shrieks - that a particular piece should go in a particular place. She was wrong, but the effort of trying that combination once more just so she’d shut up and let them concentrate proved fatal to both Ravu’s chances of winning the challenge and to Erica’s status as Pineapple Princess.

Winning the challenge gave Moto a whole bunch of fishing equipment which they don’t need (and are probably too busy napping off a huge lunch to use anyway), plus the right to send one member of Ravu to the relative luxury of Exile Island and safety from Tribal Council. Jeff did warn Earl to watch out for the snakes, plural, but Earl seemed to feel much safer after killing just one with the machete. Perhaps Sylvia told him about the one that chased her last week and he figured once he killed it he was protected. He said he really doesn’t like killing animals, but then launched into a quote from Saving Private Ryan about how if you let one go it might come back and kill you later. He then gave us the worst Samuel L Jackson impersonation in Survivor history: "Snakes are misunderstood, but we have an understanding now."

Remember James/Boston/Rocky’s alliance last week with Jessica and Erica? He doesn’t. Erica’s meltdown at the challenge scuppered the earlier plans of voting out bossy Sylvia, with James/Boston/Rocky leading the change. Sylvia was a vocal supporter of this plan, and Michelle announced a decision to cast a protest vote for Sylvia anyway because she doesn’t like her and it wouldn’t change the outcome.

Jeff’s big announcement at Tribal Council was that the Immunity Idol will this year only get its owner through to the final five, not the final three. On top of that, if you want to play it you have to do so before any of the votes are read out, which will really shake things up a bit. Jeff asked Erica to justify her performance at the challenge, and spent a bit of time on how Sylvia is fitting in and whether she’s bossy. When asked if Sylvia is a leader, Anthony pointed out that she has a "wonderful" (his word, not mine) habit of throwing out an idea and saying "Let’s do it!" and not actually talking with anyone about doing it. Sylvia’s response was to say that she’s actually had an idea - which she hasn’t discussed with anyone yet - of assigning a leader. The argument formed a circle almost as perfect as Yau-Man’s eye roll.

Still, Sylvia will actually get the chance to raise that idea tomorrow just like she planned. Erica was voted out 2-6 in a decision that she didn’t see coming. Perhaps if she gets rid of the authentically-Fijian Afro hairdo her peripheral vision will improve.

Survivor Fiji: week 1

Here is a Haiku to celebrate the long overdue debut of Survivor Fiji on Australian television:

Survivor's back – yay!
No warning from Eddie – boo!
Someone should bone him.

This year we’re in Fiji: east of Vanuatu, west of the Cook Islands and south of Palau. It kicked off with the usual spiel about the remoteness of the islands, and how fear of the unknown was so strong that one Survivor quit "just moments before being set adrift". Um, I don’t know about "just moments"; Melissa quit the day before filming started, and in enough time for the producers to work out a solution to suddenly having 19 people instead of an even 20. It’s OK Jeff, I’ll allow you a little poetic licence because I’ve missed you. Please just remember that ‘poetic licence’ is a figure of speech, not an authorisation to write tree mail.

Much like last year it’s a pretty even mix of ages, races and people who have clearly never watched the show before. Case in point; everyone who filled their water canteen straight from the well, about an hour before the instructions arrived telling them not to drink it without boiling it first.

There’s plenty of others who have most definitely watched the show before. They were the ones who were really suspicious about being provided with blue prints, building materials and detailed site plans to build a shelter, kitchen and out-house complete with toilet seat. Oh, and flint as well as machetes and pots. Yep, something is most definitely askew.

Hang on, we have to stop and define ‘askew’ for James since he asked so nicely to have the big words explained to him. (James is also known as Boston for his tattoo, and Rocky for his resemblance to Sylvester Stallone in both his physique and his enunciation). Sylvia is a qualified architect, which made the project management side of building the shelter a whole lot easier. She cleared everything up for him by explaining that ‘askew’ is an architectural term meaning ‘not orthogonal’.

Despite the unprecedented beginning and all 19 Survivors working together, they still didn’t have the main shelter finished by the end of the first night. John Howard wants us to pray for rain to break the drought, but perhaps we should just ask producer Mark Burnett. Every series of Survivor has had a massive rain storm on the first night - before the shelter is built - so that everyone gets wet and miserable, and this series continued that proud and totally entertaining tradition.

There’s also always someone annoying who just can’t shut up and keeps everyone awake. This year it’s Dre, whose real name is Andre but he prefers to be called ‘Dreamz’. Apparently he grew up poor and homeless, "living out the back of a suitcase". His profession is listed as 'Cheerleading Coach'. He’s also a reverse racist, asking all the white folk to put their hands up during one phase of his inarticulate ranting. Since it was too dark to see without night-vision equipment I’m not sure what that achieved, other than letting the camera catch the looks of utter horror on the faces of Earl and Cassandra, who share his race but not his lack of social skills.

Having 19 people squeezed into that shelter was a bit too cosy, so the next morning at the first challenge Jeff kindly split them into two tribes. Actually he asked whether anyone had emerged as a natural leader, and when everyone nominated Sylvia the architect he made her separate the teams. He then sent her off to Exile Island while the new Moto and Ravu tribes competed in a pretty standard race: collect puzzle pieces in bags, solve puzzle, find knife, cut rope, raise flag, celebrate.

The winners got to go home to the amazing camp, which in their absence had been further kitted out with bone china, cutlery, hammocks and a couch. The losers got sent to a new beach with just a machete and a pot, not even flint. And they had to go to Tribal Council that night and vote someone out.

The real loser, however, was Sylvia. Exile Island is allegedly inhabited by thousands of sea snakes, although from the editing I think we’re supposed to believe it was the same snake that followed her out of the water, across the beach, 400 metres across the island and up a hill to the lookout post.

The snake was the bad news. The ‘good’ news was allegedly that:
a) she’s immune from being voted out at tribal council that night;
b) she’s still in the game because she replaces the person who does get voted out; and
c) she gets a clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol.
If that’s the good news then Jeff needs to take some vocabulary lessons with James/Boston/Rocky because she rejoins the losing team on the dud beach, and the ‘clue’ read (warning: crappy Exile Island ‘poem’) "Here you won’t find the idol you crave. Search back at your camp if you hope to be saved."

Even worse, the tribe she joins is comprised mainly of idiots. James/Boston/Rocky forms an alliance with Princess Jessica, and later adds Erica who is the walking definition of ‘glass half empty’. They decide to vote for Rita. Rita finds out and reminds everyone else that it was Jessica’s inability to solve the puzzle which lost them the challenge. James/Boston/Rocky makes Jessica promise to tell him if she hears that he’s at risk of being voted out. She’s not smart enough to extract a reciprocal promise from him. James/Boston/Rocky finds out that the rest of the tribe is planning to vote out Jessica. He says nothing to her. Jeff counts the votes. It’s six for Jessica, and one each for Mookie, Rita and Yau-Man.

The really sad thing? As the credits roll we see that the three odd votes out came from the James/Boston/Rocky/Jessica/Erica alliance. They couldn’t even manage to vote the same way!

The only thing we really saw of Boo (aka Kenward; I’d probably change my name to something less stupid like Boo, too) this week is that he can spell his own name, and from the ad for next week it looks like he's incapable of much more than that.

Survivor Fiji: update!

So I finally cracked and rang Channel Nine to ask whether they will be showing Survivor Fiji, and was told "yeah, around late March"!

Survivor Fiji: Pre-season Form Guide

Once again, Survivor will be starting in America LOOOONG before it starts in Australia. Thanks for that, Eddie. Humphry B. Bear's publicist managed to magically get his contract extended with a well placed leak to The Age, so maybe I should try and do the same to get Survivor back on Channel Nine before it's too late to avoid internet leaks.

In the meantime, however, here's this season's Form Guide full of snap judgements about people I've never met, based on some dodgy stereotypes about their jobs, ages, and favourite things. Remember, they provided the info; I’m just interpreting it.


Alex: 28 - Attorney
Made it to Harvard on a scholarship, only to discover he doesn’t like law after all. Will over think and under perform.

Anthony: 32 - Expert Witness Locater
Made it to Yale on a scholarship but won’t admit it. Solid people skills so will do well. My early pick for this season’s winner.

Boo: 34 - Construction Worker
Real name is Kenward. Thinks he: a) has sex appeal; b) is Huckleberry Finn; and c) is a ‘cerebral athlete’. Wrong on all counts.

Cassandra: 42 - Civil Engineer Manager
In God she trusts, which is smarter than trusting Boo. This season’s Cirie, and could do just as well.

Dre: 25 - Cheerleading Coach
Finishes every second sentence with ‘You know what I’m sayin’?" Will get voted out early for being intolerably perky.

Earl: 35 - Advertising Executive
Is treating a few weeks without his laptop and mobile as a ‘right of passage’. Is way too serious to be as witty as he thinks he is.

Edgardo: 28 - Advertising Executive
Thinks the other guys will feel threatened by the effect his sex appeal will have on the women. Wrong on both counts.

Erica: 27 - Non-profit Fundraiser
Certainly has the hair for Fiji. Describes herself as both subtle and confrontational; huh? Will go early for making a crucial error.

Gary: 55 - School Bus Driver
A school bud driver who hasn't been institutionalised shouldn’t have any trouble keeping those youngsters in check. Definite jury potential.

James: 28 - Bartender
Has a ‘Boston’ tattoo like Shane, and is just as creepy. Quote: "I’m not putting a lot of thought into this." Um, yeah.

Jessica: 27 - Fashion Stylist
Is flighty and girly and obsessed with her own looks. Will beg to be voted out after her first contact with an insect, ie. day 2

Liliana: 25 - Loan Officer
Ex Marine Corp with five siblings, so won’t have any trouble on the social aspect. Will stay under the radar and could do well.

Lisi: 36 - Customer Service Rep
Is a CSR for a ‘psychic service company’ and once had a ‘hit’ in France with her ‘underground electro punk noise’.

Melissa: 28 - Talent Manager
Quit the night before filming started after suffering multiple panic attacks. Not all that surprising given her No. 1 fear is "being unable to get out".

Michelle: 23 - Student
Talks just like Bindi Irwin, which would be cuter if she were also 8 years old. Enjoys ‘things that are green’ and ‘pirates’. I'm not making this up.

Mookie: 25 - Loan Manager
Wants to get away from materialistic things like television, but extends credit to others to buy that stuff. Kooky.

Rita: 38 - Single Mom
Former Miss Venezuela entrant who now coaches for kiddy beauty pageants and believes there’s no such thing as ‘too sexy’. Eww!

Stacey: 27 - Interactive Internet Producer
Is most annoyed by people who are lazy and complain a lot. Wow, is this the wrong place for you to be!

Sylvia: 52 - Architect
Looks very smart on paper, backed up by learning to swim BEFORE arriving in Fiji. Early exit for being ‘too old’.

Yau-Man: 54 - Computer Engineer
Such a geek (self confessed – repeatedly) that he describes himself not as ‘old’ but ‘on the outer fringe of the bell curve’.

Survivor Cook Islands: Finale

And so Survivor is over for another season.

We started with a recap of the entire series so far and a reminder of who flirted with whom as early preparation for the reunion special. Speaking of Candice and Parvati, Adam spent a cold and lonely night alone in the shelter, sleeping by himself for probably the first time in 37 days.

The Immunity Challenge involved the usual gig of collecting bags of timber puzzle pieces, which were tied up at the ends of various rope courses. Ozzy started with the hardest course first, so while he was the last to return with his first bag (giving Yul and Adam some hope of finally beating him) his incredible grace and athleticism saw him easily catch up and be the first to have all the bags.

Jeff had warned at the beginning that it was "the hardest puzzle ever in Survivor history!" It was a four-layer compass map that only fitted together correctly one way. If you’ve ever picked up a timber cube on someone’s coffee table and said to yourself "Oh, this looks easy" you’ll know the sort of puzzle I mean. (You probably also remember the look on your host’s face as you pulled it apart, which gave you an idea of how many hours it takes them to solve it every time a guest does that.)

Adam looked like he had a chance at one point, but yet again Ozzy got the immunity necklace back. He and his friends immediately started celebrating the fact that the underdog Aitu tribe had made it to the final four, hours before it was officially confirmed by Adam being voted out. That was actually a bit rude, but hey it was only Adam.

Despite the predictable outcome it was an interesting Tribal Council. Nate limped into the jury box on crutches – which was never explained – and Adam accused both Sundra and Becky of being boring – which didn’t need to be explained because it’s true.

Something that nobody will ever be able to explain to me is why our all-minority, mutiny-surviving final four were so excited about doing the "Rite of Passage". In case you’ve managed to repress the memory, this is where we get a little montage of each voted-out Survivor and a quote from them about their experience of the game, while the remaining players collect all the torches and then burn them. We already had the recap at the start of the episode; we don’t need another! If the producers want a twist how about getting rid of that bit?

Immediately following this touching celebration of failure, the four remaining Survivors went direct to the ‘final’ immunity challenge, which only made sense after Jeff explained that this year three people instead of only two would be in the running for the million dollars.

As in previous series it was a test of "who can hold their balance longest on a gradually shrinking foothold?" Becky went out first, with Yul a surprise exit next and Sundra a shock finalist, still hanging on next to Ozzy – who nearly fell but somehow recovered half a dozen times - at the 2 hour 30 minute mark.

The final elimination Tribal Council was a mixture of dignity and humiliation. Ozzy of course had won immunity but refused to decide who out of Becky and Sundra to vote out. His suggestion of an arranged tie-vote, with the subsequent fire starting challenge to decide a winner, was accepted by everyone involved, even by Becky who’d been offered the individual immunity idol by Yul but rejected it on the grounds that she wanted to win fair and square. So far so good: everyone knows that being able to make fire with flint and machete is a core Survivor skill, one which can be practised at home. Should be a doddle. Should be an exciting outcome.

Becky and Sundra take their places, flint in hand, with the jury on the edge of its seats. Here’s where the producers went wrong: instead of lighting a fire to burn a rope and raise a flag they had to burn a rope and ring a bell. The novelty put both girls off their game. Suspense background music changed to comedy background music as the words "30 minutes" came up on screen to explain why everyone was yawning. By the one hour mark, with still not even the suggestion of a flame, Ozzy and Yul both looked mortified and Jeff looked simply furious as he finally snapped "STOP! We’re switching to matches!"

The horror didn’t end there. Sundra got a flame going, then let it go out, then ran out of matches. Luckily for everyone (except perhaps Bryant and May shareholders) Becky finally got a decent fire going and put everyone out of their misery.

The changed up final-three format had a few implications. It meant an odd number of jurors (not the 10 we’d earlier feared), but still had the potential for a tied 3-3-3 or 1-4-4 vote. It means there’s no cursed car challenge this year. And Phil didn’t get to do his routine where the person with immunity chooses who they’ll take through, and he says with a wry little smile "I’ll go tally the vote." I always love that bit!

It also had me looking at my watch and wondering how they’d get through nine jurors asking three questions each instead of seven jurors only having two finalists to grill. The answer was simply that Nate, who went first, asked Becky why she deserved the million dollars and she couldn’t give an answer to match Yul’s puppet mastery and Ozzy’s physical dominance. After that nobody even bothered asking her any more questions, confirming that the previous night’s fire starting debacle had blown her chances even more than the perception that she’d been riding Yul’s coat tails the whole way.

The rest of the questions illuminated as much about the person asking them as the person answering. Nate waived his wrists around and used lots of words like ‘brother’ and ‘respect’. Jenny made up a new word; ‘strategical’. Rebecca managed to provoke responses about depictions of minority stereotypes on prime-time TV. Adam forced the boys to trash talk each other, and Candice forced Yul (who, remember, is a management consultant) to give a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer without any further explanation. It was a struggle, but he eventually managed it.

Brad pointed out that he doesn’t know Ozzy at all and tried to correct that by asking Ozzy to describe his most challenging life experience. In a real shock, Ozzy broke down in tears talking about his non-existent relationship with his birth father, although technically he didn’t answer the second part of the question about "and how you dealt with it". And Jonathan, naturally, snatched the dying seconds of his 15 minutes to accuse everyone being untrustworthy and arrogant. Yawn.

And so onto Los Angeles for the winner announcement and the reunion. Jeff started by describing it as one of the most enjoyable out of 13 seasons so far. By the time Yul and Ozzy had four votes each it was clear that Becky wasn’t getting any. Everyone knows that Jeff has already seen the votes before he reads them out, so he was teasing when he claimed that the final vote might be for Becky and might cause a tie. It wasn’t of course, so he declared her officially in third place before reading out the final vote for… YUL!

While everyone hugged and cheered, Jeff slipped off to change into the same natty duck-egg blue v-neck sweater he wore to last year’s reunion. Yul got more opportunities to be modest and self-effacing. Ozzy confessed that Robinson Crusoe is one of his favourite childhood books, which simultaneously explained why he looked to be living his ultimate fantasy while he was on the island, and like he’d pee his pants in front of the TV cameras and all those people. The goatee he’d grown during the series really gave him the look of a Spanish Conquistador, but clean-shaven at the reunion he looked more like a scared little boy. It was a bit sad, as was his own choice of v-neck sweater.

Jonathan got to mouth off some more, and Sekou followed a tradition started by Wanda in Palau of the person who composes a special Survivor song being the first one voted off; the difference was that Sekou didn’t unveil his song until the reunion, and got to play it with the band.

Candice tried to justify her romance with Adam, while he answered the question about their current status by starting with the words "You know, Candice is a great girl…" which absolutely confirmed that they’re no longer together and he had no intention of continuing the ‘relationship’ once she’d finished her usefulness. Nate got grilled about his interactions with Parvati and first denied but then admitted that he’d fallen for her flirting, which was uncomfortable for everyone except Parvati, who seemed to enjoy the attention.

Billy, by comparison, came out the reunion looking pretty good by explaining that his declaration of love for Candice had been a combination of heat-of-the-moment and trying to pretend he didn’t need the tribemates who’d thrown a challenge so they could get rid of him. Whether it’s true or not, he was able to laugh at himself, and well all love that. Ooops, I probably shouldn’t say "We love you" so loosely. Billy, if you’re reading this please know that I’m very happily married and I meant "love" in a totally platonic sense.

Ozzy won a car (sorry, a Mercury Mariner) in an on-line vote for who played the smartest game, beating Yul by less than 1% of the vote and proving that the car curse still applies even if you don’t know about it.

Finally, and most importantly of all (well, for some of us at least), we got confirmation that there will be at least one more series. Judging by the preview, Survivor: Fiji has already been filmed and is in the editing suite (and remember that they’ve just finished filming and there’s just been another coup in Fiji. Coincidence?) The new twists in a desperate bid for ongoing relevance include one tribe living the usual Survivor deprivations while the other lives in luxury, and two individual immunity idols on Exile Island. Apparently one of the most controversial decisions ever made by a Survivor will have America talking. We don’t know yet if it will have Australia talking, since Channel Eddie has lost its first dibs on CBS programs as of 2007 and who knows what Channel 10 will do with it.

Congratulations to the winners of the office sweeps, and thanks again for all the feedback from people who have enjoyed the weekly recaps. Now grab your torches and head back to camp.

Survivor Cook Islands: week 13

I’m going to start this week with a quote from Parvati’s final video message after she was voted out: "I knew I could have worked it more in the hot tub if I wanted to, but I don’t think it would have helped my place in the game." Sure it’s putting the tart before the sauce to begin like that, but it just sums up her Survivor experience so perfectly.

Chronologically speaking the episode began with Adam and Parvati discussing how to stay in the game a bit longer despite the numbers being in favour of the still-solid Aitu alliance. Parvati pointed out that the two of them are in a position of relative weakness and that it would take a lot to achieve the goal of swinging one of the others across. She then went on to develop a strategy of doing this in a way that didn’t make it seem like that person was betraying their alliance, and planned to use lots of charm and smooth talking as her tactics. Adam's contribution was "Those four are tight. We’re gonna need to try something." Oh, and he said "Yeah, exactly!" to all Parvati’s ideas. It was like watching George W Bush at a Pentagon briefing.

This week’s tree mail ‘poem’ started with the line "It’s time to break out your swimwear…", and the rest was so excruciatingly bad that the producers left out whole lines of Yul’s recitation in a too-little-too-late demonstration of remorse. They did, however, quickly flash a glimpse of the paper so that those of us with either a deep susceptibility to subliminal messages – or a VCR, a remote control and no life – were let in on the obscure clue "Shirts will not be allowed" to go with the slightly less cryptic message of a small bucket of mud.

The winner of the reward challenge was the person who could collect the most mud without using their hands, shirts (a ha!) or any other vessel. Basically they had to roll around in a mud pit, go through an obstacle course, scrape the muck off their bodies into a bucket and then go back for more. Most of them collected between 8 and 9kg in the time limit. Parvati was third with 10 kg, and Yul just nudged into second with 10.2kg. Ozzy managed 20kg and genuinely scared the others with the proof of just how good he is regardless of what the challenge involves. The three of them, still covered in mud, got put in a small plane with plastic all over the seats for an overnight stay at a luxury resort. Sundra and Becky went back to camp to stew with increasing bitterness at their misfortune, while Adam spent a couple of days on Exile Island, eating raw shellfish and letting the flies nest in the open wounds on his leg. I’m so glad the show is on late and it’s hours since I’ve eaten.

The reward challenge provided those who wield the pixelating machine with plenty of opportunities to demonstrate their craft. Both Adam and Ozzy found themselves modesty-challenged as the combination of body weight loss and mud weight gain threatened their shorts’ tentative grip on decency. Bikini-clad girls covered in mud and rubbing their hands over their bodies also stretched a PG rating, even though the mud meant nothing was really on show (but then again an odd jewellery choice meant nothing was technically on show during Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, either).

It got even more risque on the challenge reward. Parvati might not have realised that as she showered the mud off her silhouette was clearly visible to the camera crew through the shower door. However, there was no doubt she knew what she was doing as she slithered naked into the hot tub with a nude Yul and Ozzy after a champagne and candlelight dinner. All game-strategy of course. Not auditioning for a photo spread in Ralph magazine when she gets home at all. Nooooo.

While their tactics might be different, both Yul and Parvati are equally focussed on advancing themselves in the game. We already know that Parvati "worked it in the hot tub", with Ozzy quite clearly the main target of her flattery barrage. Yul was so serious in expressing his concern about the potential consequences of her success that he didn’t even realise he’d uttered the single entendre of the series with the line, "If Ozzy responds in some way something might come up."

Maybe it was the food and the comfortable bed, or maybe it was the rejuvenating power of the hot tub, but the immunity challenge was once again Parvati third, Yul second, and Ozzy first by a very large margin. That afternoon both Adam and Parvati separately had the same conversation with puppet-master Yul, acknowledging that one of them would be sent home and asking in the nicest possible way for it to be the other.

Last week after his torch was snuffed, Jonathan said to the remaining Survivors "And I’d like my hat back at some point." Yul, being such an incredibly nice guy, duly returned said hat at Tribal Council this week. Jonathan looked absolutely delighted that Yul had made the effort. He looked somewhat less delighted after Jeff pointed out that it was a clever act on Yul’s part to suck up to a jury member. Who knows whether Yul really was being that political, or whether returning the hat was a genuine favour and he simply felt it was better to agree with the accusation rather than deny it and be accused of lying.

Jeff was just as politically provocative during the rest of Tribal Council, asking Adam whether Parvati’s performance in the hot tub had increased her chances in the game at his expense. Adam mumbled something unintelligible about he and Parvati being mates from early on the game, much to Candice’s horror in the jury box.

Finally it was the predictable 4-2 vote, with Parvati as the loser. In a triumph for multiculturalism, this season’s racial supremacy experiment has left at least one member of each original tribe in the final five. It's a small world after all.

This Friday night - at the entirely reasonable time of 8.30pm - we get the last three hours of Survivor Cook Islands with lots of elimination challenges, the jury interrogation of the two finalists, and presumably the ghastly annual walk down memory lane. Don’t miss it!