Dreamz may be a bit slow, but
You’re an idiot.
Seriously, Lisi, you’re a fool of the highest magnitude. By the time tonight’s episode went to air in Australia the entire series was finished in the U.S., so you’ve already seen the difference between your perception of reality and actual reality. Well, the editor’s version at least. Let’s go back over some of your finest moments so you can relive the shame.
The episode started with a recap of last week and your decision to tell Edguardo and Alex that the individual immunity idol – the thing that gives you protection through to the final five - is buried in your camp right where you all sleep. I understand that you’re in an alliance with them, and that you think you can trust them, but it’s a million dollars at stake.
And it turns out you really shouldn’t trust Edguardo and Alex. They filled Mookie in on the clues, and the three of them managed to dig up the idol while you and Dreamz slept on in blissful ignorance (which is virtually a permanent state for both of you). They dug a foot-deep hole in hard ground a meter from where you dozed and you didn’t even stir. You stayed in the same foetal position, backside facing the camera. It was an unflattering angle because you were wearing light-coloured pants and had previously sat on something dirty, making it look like you’d soiled yourself. Embarrassing for you, funny for us.
You’ve done some one-on-one camera interviews that were cringe-worthy, but the best of them was when you recapped the story of waking up to find Mookie playing in the dirt near your feet. We all know that he was filling the hole back in to hide the fact that they found the idol and have no intention of even telling you about it, let along sharing. Your version of the story went as follows: "This morning Mookie was trying to be a little discreet, flipping leaves and playing with the ground, and I was like, ‘What, idol digging?’ and he had no choice but to say ‘Um, yeah’ and I’m like ‘Dude, you’re gonna have to get up really early in the morning to fool an old cat like me. What’s wrong with you?"
There may actually be something wrong with Mookie, because no normal person would have been able to keep such a straight face while diligently helping you re-dig the now empty idol hole, let alone when Edguardo walked up and said "I already checked that part. It’s not there." Hey, he was telling the truth!
The reward challenge, as you may remember, involved learning to dance the traditional Fijian Meke and then performing for the locals. You were hopeless, although it’s hard to tell whether that’s because you’ve got no rhythm or because you don’t take the challenges seriously and don’t see the point of getting psyched up to try and win. At least you had the sense to only express that view to the camera, not your tribe mates. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't. Surely you didn't!
Earl was the star of the challenge, drawing on his inner Michael Jackson to get some cool black-dude dance moves happening and laughing at Boo’s "white guy thang". He needs to remember that Michael Jackson isn’t black any more, and hasn’t been a winner for a long time.
Moto is undeniably strong at collecting puzzle pieces, undoing knots and raising flags but it turns out they’re pretty good at dancing too. I’d love to have had subtitles during the judges’ deliberations at the end, but they were definitely not needed to understand the looks of disgust on their faces during Ravu’s lame effort. Jeff told them that authenticity would be one of the judging criteria, so it's inexplicable why Dreamz threw in a back flip at the end. I didn't see any Fijians doing back flips.
Lisi, the look of disgust on your face when you got sent to Exile Island again gets my award for Cat’s Bum Mouth of the series thus far. Earl explained that they chose you so nobody else in that tribe gets any clues as the location of the immunity idol. It obviously hasn’t occurred to him that you’d be so stupid as to tell anyone the clues you’ve already got. It probably hasn’t even occurred to him that the Ravu camp idol has already been found, since you’re the only one in your tribe to have seen the clues, and he knows you’re too stupid and lazy to have found it on your own.
Before you accuse me of being harsh, you’re so stupid you took shelter during a lighting storm in the lookout tower, the highest point on Exile Island. If it was just you I wouldn’t care, but you had the cameraman up there with you and he was holding a big chunk of metal. That makes you a dangerous idiot.
Yau-Man is exceedingly smart, so it’s lucky you’ve never been on the same tribe as him because it would make the comparison that much more stark. Ravu keep laughing at what a weedy little old man he is, but brains will beat brawn any day. Brains will also beat braggarts. Edguardo will never again refer publicly to his supposed archery skills after making a statement like "I never say I’m pretty good at stuff, but I’m pretty good at archery" prior to the challenge, and then not even reaching the target - let alone hitting it - when his tribe needed him to at least force a tie-breaker.
Teams took turns with a blow dart, then a spear, then a bow and arrow to hit targets. Contestants competed in the same order each time, and every time Yau-Man’s shot for Moto was so good – and Edguardo’s shot as the last person for Ravu was so bad – that Earl didn’t even need to have his turn. Yau-Man did simple but logical things like finding the balance point of the spear and choosing the straightest arrow in the quiver. Lisi, you did simple and illogical things like laughing at the failings of your own tribe.
I use the phrase "your own tribe" because you are part of that tribe whether you like it or not, and you’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t. You described "them" as losers and a sinking ship, including one pronunciation of ‘loser’ which you extended to five syllables. You probably thought that was funny at the time. I wonder if you still found it funny watching the episode at home?
At least you weren’t a total hypocrite, telling the entire tribe that you want to be voted out because they are all losers who would lose the next challenge and you’d get sent back to Exile Island again. There’s no ‘i’ in team but there’s two in Lisi.
And yet, ten minutes before Tribal Council, you decided to hang around after all. Why? Because you wanted another chance. You’d changed your mind. You’d decided to try and hang in there, maybe, sort of. All the way through Tribal Council your best – nay, only – defence was that you wanted another chance. You wanted the others to vote for Dreamz even though he really wants to stay. You accused Dreamz of quitting halfway through challenges but then couldn’t give a single example to prove your case. You don’t even understand the concept of a Yes or No question, so I’ll explain it. When someone says "Do you want to be here? Yes or No?" you are supposed to say either 'Yes' or 'No'. "Can’t I catch a break?" and "So now I’m at fault for being honest and saying I have to think for a minute!" are not correct answers, although the latter is at least true.
The two funniest non-Lisi moments of the whole episode were:
- Rocky running up the stairs to the Tribal Council chambers like he was out front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the stirring da-daaa-daaaaaa of Gonna Fly Now was playing the background; and
- Dreamz attempting to pronounce ‘soliloquy’ again, and saying ‘recipitate’ instead of ‘resuscitate’. Honey, stick to words of less that four syllables.
Last week Edguardo and Alex justified getting rid of Rocky because loyalty is more important than strength when the merge is nigh. This week they decided that mental stability is even more important. Since you’re loyal but unstable, and not a very smart game player (Edguardo’s description, not mine) you’re useless. Now you even know that the vote against you was unanimous.
As Jeff said at the end, if there’s one truth in this game it’s that;
"You have to want to
Win to make it to the end."
Suck on that, Lisi.
No comments:
Post a Comment