Some things are the same as previous seasons, namely the traditional first-night lightening storm and torrential downpour before either tribe had built an effective shelter. Do they wait for a 'favourable' weather forecast before kicking off production every year, or does Mark Burnett have a line into the gods of multiple religions?
Everyone was put on notice that Buddhism - or ‘Boo-dism’ as Jeff pronounces it - will feature prominently as a theme. Leslie, a Christian radio talk-show host, claims not to be religious but refused to participate in the traditional welcome ceremony inside a 400 year old temple because "I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and the only person I’m going to put my face on the floor for is Him." But she’s not religious. Later on she also got jittery about not having had a chance to read her Bible for a few days. But she’s not religious. I mean, if she were religious she’d know enough of the Bible not to need it for constant reference, right?
The two tribes are named Zhan Hu (Fighting Tiger) and Fei Long (Flying Dragon). Sorry, but it’s Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon for me. Seriously, did they expect us not to notice the blatant plagiarism?
The welcome ceremony was one Buddhist element; another was being forced to leave behind all their worldly possessions, namely their suitcases. For the blokes, having to play the game in the clothes they are wearing is no big deal. For the girls though, including Sherea (who was wearing high heels) and Jaime (who announced that she was not wearing a bra), it's a far more confronting prospect. Actually Jean-Robert wasn’t wearing a belt with his jeans, with some nice bum-crack work leading to the earliest use of pixellation in Survivor History.
Other key milestones included:
- Denise the lunch lady proudly sporting the worst fem-mullet in Survivor History;
- Chicken, the chicken farmer from Virginia, drawling in the deepest Southern accent in Survivor History;
- several competitors on both tribes (including the afore-mentioned Jean-Robert) giving this series the largest average bra cup size in Survivor History; and
- Courtney proving that girls named Courtney are, like, the ones, like, mostly likely to, like, use the word ‘like’ out of context, like, totally all the time and it’s, like, really annoying;
The tree mail receptacle this year is a garden storage box guarded by a terracotta warrior, which the producers quite possibly picked up at Bunnings Highpoint because I swear I’ve seen the exact same things there. But it’s nothing compared to this season's Tribal Council chambers: a three-storey pagoda, built entirely out of marine grade plywood. If they’re planning to ever do Survivor Egypt they’d better get started on the Tribal Council set right now, because those full-size pyramids take generations to build.
Crouching Tiger lost the immunity challenge, which was a Moomba-style race to take a Chinese Dragon through a maze, and were first to paddle off to Tribal Council. Anyone who’s watched Survivor knows Jeff’s little speech about fire representing life, but I doubt some of these people had even heard of Survivor before being cast. I mean, Dave sat there in Tribal proclaiming himself tribe leader. I guess there was nothing about not volunteering to be a leader in the copy of Sun Tzu’s Art of War (which each tribe was given at the start), but anyone who has ever watched this show knows it’s a really bad idea in the Survivor context.
Dave, however, survived because Chicken had been so obstinate, Peih-Gee had been really bossy and Ashley (a female wrestling star of the W. W. Divas, who doesn’t want to disappoint her fans) got too sick to help around camp. All classic first-timer mistakes that earned them each votes, and which in Chicken's case proved fatal.
In the second episode we got the most pixellated challenge in Survivor history. In teams of three-on-three, each tribe had to try and roll an enormous ball across the other team’s goal line at the end of a mud pit. Needless to say there was much use of clothing to try and get a hand-hold on opponents, and many hours of work in the editing suite to keep it nice for the 7.30pm time slot.
Hidden Dragon won again, getting not only fishing gear but the right to kidnap one member of the losing tribe until the Immunity Challenge. Jaime, who they picked, was given a note that she was told to open in private. When she did she found it contained a sealed clue to the location of the Individual Immunity Idol, which she had to pass – unopened- to a member of her host tribe.
I’ve got Jaime in our office sweep, so I was very pleased to see her give it to the person she perceived as the ‘weakest’ (which is subtle for the stupidest). She handed it to Leslie, the not-religious person who promptly credited The Lord with giving her the clue. Leslie is so stupid she couldn’t understand the clue by herself and asked Todd (the gay Mormon flight attendant, who bears a fabulously ironic resemblance to a young Donny Osmond) to help. Todd is one of the savviest players out there this season, so naturally he was delighted with this turn of events. Leslie thinks she’s earned his trust; he’s now trying to get her voted out next so that he’s the only one left who knows the clue.
The tree mail ‘poem’ writers have turned to Sun Tzu for help structuring the clues: this week’s read "What is thought to be hidden may sometimes be seen. Though their eyes are not, yours must be keen." I suppose we at home had the benefit of none-too-subtle camera work to learn that this season’s idol is a disk adorning the archway into each campsite. In a beautiful piece of cinematography, it was visible between them in the background as Leslie told Todd the clue. Very nice.
This week’s Immunity Challenge involved using a battering ram to break through some screens (like those that discreetly hide the toilets at our local Chinese restaurant), solving a puzzle, and then using the battering ram to hit a gong. Hidden Dragon won their third challenge in a row, with James in the lead not so much striking the gong as running straight through it and a long way into the jungle on the other side.
Former model Dave’s few days as Leader of Crouching Tiger were noteworthy for his bossiness and refusal to change plans. It meant they spent a whole day building a fireplace and had no time left to cook any rice for their first food in four days. Any wonder they keep losing challenges.
Ashley spent most of her time squabbling with him and trying to look tough and up for a fight. Well, she is a pro-wrestler after all, has two scary lip piercings and the black bandanna she was using as a bra did have skulls printed on it. The one part of the costume that let her down was the very frilly red knickers, cut high enough at the back to require extensive pixellation. The pettiness of the arguments, and Dave's ability to keep his mouth shut, was enough to get her voted off in a unanimous result. She spent her final few minutes on camera paying out at Dave instead of more constructively thanking her fans. Judging by some of the stuff she said, her fans love her more for her fake breasts than her philosophical musings.
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