Survivor Cook Islands: week 12

Last week was all about Candice, but this week it was Parvati’s turn to shine. And squeal. Seriously, it was a very impressive array of emotions that she managed to display without the use of consonants.

As predicted, she and Adam were arm in arm by the time they got back to camp from the Tribal Council where Candice – his girlfriend and her best friend – had just been voted out. It was kind of like Paris Hilton hooking up with K-Fed, or something equally vacuous.

The squealing started when Parvati, who has to, like, work around camp because she is, like, in the minority now, sliced her thumb open with a rusty machete while cutting coconuts. Lucky she never bothered with a machete in the early days while it was still sharp or she’d have cut her thumb off completely. The medical team were called in, and to everyone’s horror they were quite happy to stitch it up in a deft piece of field surgery. Princess Parvati didn’t want her pinky to be patched in the dirty old jungle, while everyone else seemed to hope she’d be taken away never to return.

The next squeals came when she won the Reward Challenge. Jeff’s description of the challenge had a greater density of "But Wait There’s More!" moments than a Demtel ad. The original instruction was that Survivors simply had to scoop up sea water to fill a bucket and, of course, raise a flag. The next layer of detail was to bring out the Loved Ones and announce that they’d also be participating. I was so hoping Adam would have a wife or girlfriend stroll out of the jungle, just to prove him the cad I’ve always suspected him of being, but it was just his Dad. Next was the news that Survivors would have to throw water from their bucket to their Loved One’s bucket across a two meter gap, and finally the ultimate indignity that the Survivors would be blindfolded. Hey, stop complaining Loved Ones; some of your predecessors had to do the gross food challenge.

Jonathan’s wife quickly realised she was catching more water in her shirt and hair than in the bucket and started squeezing those out as well, but she wasn’t absorbent enough to win. As victor, Parvati’s dad got to choose two other Loved Ones and their Survivors to join them on the reward of a tribal village visit and picnic pig-out (more squealing from Parvati), with no political input from his daughter but lots of pleading looks from everyone else. At least now he’s met his daughter’s new boyfriend.

As co-victor, Parvati got to choose who spent a few days on Exile Island and had no hesitation in picking Jonathan. She later described it as a strategic move to show the others how good life in camp would be without him, but that might be 20/20 hindsight repackaged as insight for the benefit of the cameras.

What it clearly did show, however, was what the last few days for Yul, Becky and Ozzy will be like when they’re the final three. We all know it will be them because Yul has the immunity idol, Becky has Yul, and Ozzy is just a freak in the challenges. This week he’d done both laps of the boo-eee and marine-grade plywood obstacle course before most of the girls were even half way through their first, culminating in a coccyx-shattering tumble from Sundra that’s a shoe-in for the finals of Cook Islands’ Funniest Home Videos.

The cool mood change when Jonathan returned from Exile Island in time for the immunity challenge was noticeable, but back at camp it was a cold snap like Christmas Day in Melbourne every time he spoke. When Jeff asked whether anyone other than Ozzy felt concerned at not having immunity only three people reacted: Adam and Parvati raised their hands, and Jonathan leered and gloated. He smiled all the way through Tribal Council, although not as much as Candice was smiling at Adam (and was it just me, or did anyone else think she actually looked WORSE after a bath and wearing make up than she did au naturale at camp?)

It was one of the most predictable Tribal Councils ever. Jonathan and Adam kept up a fine and noble tradition of name calling, with the Jury cheering at everything Adam said, and Jeff stuck to his script to the point of pretending not to know Yul has the immunity idol even though it had just been discussed. Most predictable of all, Jonathan got voted out in a landslide and was indignant and spiteful in defeat.

With only six Survivors and a handful of episodes left this season, it’s now well and truly down to business. Next week looks like the start of the alliance collapses, which is always fun. There’s the cursed car to give away, and I’m still holding out hope for another gross food challenge. It’s been way too long, and it would really give Parvati something to squeal about.