Survivor Cook Islands: week 3

The final three minutes of last week's episode were some of the best TV Survivor has ever given us, so it shouldn't be such a surprise for this week to be a bit, well, dull in comparison.

Since I can't bear to let last week go just yet, mention must be made of Jeff's voice over summary of what happened Previously…on…Survivor: "Billy thought he and Candice made a connection." To quote JP, "If it's true it's true, but…it's NOT true!" If Billy had done a little more actual thinking and a little less wishful thinking he could have avoided the humiliation he's probably still feeling three weeks after the episode went to air in his home town.

Cao Boi has worked his way into his tribemates' hearts the way a deep vein thrombosis eventually works its way into its victim's heart. He's not dead yet, but one gets the distinct impression he'll mysteriously die in his sleep if he doesn't stop swinging wildly between unfunny jokes and unoriginal comparisons of the wars in Iraq and Vietnam. Using mid-sentence pauses to the same dramatic effect as JP, Brad explained in his piece to camera that "I don't think Cao Boi is all there…or ever will be all there…unless he's medicated."

The Reward Challenge was a blend of shock and the completely expected. The shock was Jeff's order to "Drop your buffs" and the subsequent affirmative action which split the races and genders equally among the two tribes. Cecilia was a team captain whose first pick was the other girl in Jana Pittman socks. Jonathans' first pick was the other guy who has also been to Exile Island. The process ended up with two teams each of boys and girls, and four team captains each holding an egg in their outstretched palm. Squeezing them as hard as possible on Jeff's order – issued from a dry-cleaning safe distance away - showed the stunt Easter eggs to have the dye on the inside. The two tribes now spattered in blue paint formed the new Raro tribe, and the two tribes looking like extras from a bad horror movie got the red buffs and the Aitu flag.

The no-shock-whatsoever was the lack of anything even vaguely resembling a reaction on Candice's face when Jeff pointed out that Billy was missing. Impressively she managed to continue not to react back at camp with her new tribemates when Cecilia explained why she should be very afraid of attending the reunion special without at least one bodyguard. It actually took a lot of explaining for Candice to comprehend how anything she'd said could have been so entirely transformed, but she looked suitably scared by the end.

Elsewhere on the beach the campaigning for alliances had already begun. Jonathan either grew up in the same neighbourhood as Alan Alda or watched way too much M*A*S*H in his formative years, because he talks exactly like Hawkeye and was very keen on joining the Korean alliance with Becky and Yul, and taking Candice and Jessica with him whether they liked it or not. Fortunately for him Candice was receptive to the idea. Fortunately for us, Jessica – who seems to be nicknamed 'Flicker' - was not. It wasn't so much a generation gap as a yawning generational chasm watching him try and use the logic of planning for the future to convince a Gen Y deadbeat to do something sensible for her own good. He instructed her on how to be non-committal if anyone else tried to get her into an alternate alliance, and I'd like to think she's a very fast learner because she used every trick he taught her to avoid agreeing with him. The funniest thing was the difference between Jonathan's assurance to Becky that "I can get Flicker to do whatever we want her to do" and his later piece to camera, by which time the story had changed to a more doubtful "I believe that I have Flicker."

Parvati's surname is Shallow. She's a cocktail waitress, and to quote her bio on the website "is most proud of being a female boxer for Perfect 10 Model Boxing". I don’t even know what that is, but it doesn't sound like part of the Mensa admission process. She is quite possibly the most overt flirt ever seen on Survivor. Nate caught an octopus, which then wrapped itself around his waist and effectively caught him right back. Parvati's response: 'That's a lot of meat [flutter eyelashes while looking at his groin]. It's good [glance coyly away to the side]. You could probably eat that whole thing yourself, huh? [blatant, smutty grin]. Later she pointed out that his pants were falling off. She has no shame. She'll probably make the final three.

To describe this week's Immunity Challenge as recycled would be to give it undue credit. 'Recycled' suggests that something old has been turned into something new and different. This was just a straight-out repeat of a challenge from a few years back, which in turn was a copy of a pursuit cycling race. Teams were tied together carrying heavy sandbags, running around a roped-off velodrome and trying to make up the gap to tag the tail of the other team. Raro won and got to send a member of Aitu to Exile Island for two days, effectively granting that person individual immunity. Who knows whether it was strategy or pity, but they chose Billy's true love Candice and promptly upset Jonathan's alliance. Cao Boi and Flicker seemed to form a new Tattooed Outsider faction who wanted to vote out Becky because of her 'vibe'. Jonathan's efforts to change Flicker's mind seemed to have the opposite effect from what he intended, but luckily for him Yul managed to convince Cao Boi to vote for someone else instead, and Cao Boi in turn convinced Flicker, so Cecilia ended up being the third person voted out.

The ad for next week looks really, really, good with Cao Boi up a tree doing battle with a bird. Considering how little defence he managed to put up during the challenge I've got my money on the bird.