Survivor Panama - Exile Island: week 14

TO BE CONTINUED…

One of the ugliest phrases on TV, and one I never thought Survivor's producers would ever stoop to utter. That's right: nobody got voted off last night!!

For an atheist I actually quite enjoy a good church service. The ritual and recitation of familiar phrases can be incredibly soothing, with a sermon, a few readings and a couple of hymns (but only from a prescribed list) providing variety. I've always believed that's part of Survivor's success in appealing to something deep within us all: the ceremonial ratio of ritual and scheduled spontaneity. If you don't believe me, how about this for an order of service:
1. Review of previous week's episode
2. Opening credits
3. This week's scenes of life around camp
4. Reward challenge, where Father Jeff is guaranteed to utter every one of the following lines:

• C'mon in guys!
• You guys ready for today's challenge?
• Wanna know what you're playing for?
• Worth playing for?
• We'll draw for spots/teams and get started
• Survivors GO!
• [Name] wins reward!

5. Scenes from back at camp after the challenge
6. Immunity Challenge (including many of the lines above)
7. Scenes back at camp as Survivors negotiate who to vote for
8. Tribal Council, where Father Jeff is guaranteed to utter every one of the following lines [this is the late-season version: delete references to immunity and jury in episodes 1-8 inclusive]:

• I'll now bring in the members of our Jury;
• OK, let's get to the vote.
• [Name of person with immunity] is the only person you cannot vote for.
• OK it's time to vote. [Name of person sitting bottom left of screen]: you're up.
• I'll go tally the votes
• Once the votes are read the decision is final. The person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately.
• I'll read out the votes. [In final episode, substitute "I’ll read out the vote"]
• The [nth] person voted out of Survivor is …

There is no TO BE CONTINUED!

I've had my say now so I'll pipe down and fill in this week's variables, but before I do can I just point out that in the review of last week's episode we got a montage of Shane hugging and kissing his son during the loved ones' visit. Either he needs to cut the apron strings a bit, or his son is also a chain smoker and his clothes and skin are impregnated with nicotine, because the similarities between the way Shane handled Boston, and the way he handled that ciggie he scabbed off a villager in episode seven, were disturbingly similar.

I think something must have happened to Terry when he was 24. That's how old both Aras and Danielle are, and he keeps going on and on and on about how 24 year olds are supposed to behave. This week he declared that he didn't come here to make friends with 24 year olds, and last week saw his sermon about how seeing your mom doesn't matter to a 24 year old. Apparently he doesn't want to make friends with 35 year olds either, because Cirie copped a serve for leaving her torch in his path. Grumpy 46 year old man or what!

The reward challenge involved running around counting rocks, poles, shells, dead fish and some very much live-and-moving crabs and iguanas. The counts then provided the combinations for three padlocks, which had to be opened to release a winning flag. The added complication was that Survivors were clipped to ropes and had to navigate past each other. Terry did pretty well considering everyone else actively ganged up on him, plus he apparently missed hearing one of the rules and did more work than he had to. Lots of people think Terry's a bit of a hero, but when complaining to Jeff about it he sounded like a sook and a dobber and a bad loser to me.

Aras won an overnight trip through the Panama Canal on a massive motor yacht and took Cirie with him. The food, shower and sleep in a decent bed helped his physical performance in the immunity challenge two days later, but too late to stop him from clumsily making a toast with her to "the final three". "Don't you mean the final two?" "Yeah, yeah, the final two!" That's OK Aras; I'd also be more confident of beating Danielle than Cirie in the final two.

His other mistake was to ask Terry if he was going to "say something bad about women" when calling him a sore loser at the end of the reward challenge. Two days, a stint on Exile Island with Danielle and the Immunity Challenge later, Terry was still seething over it. He told Aras he had to apologise before they could negotiate any kind of truce, and Aras made such an abject and entirely sincere apology that it took Terry by enough surprise to leave him silent and not knowing quite what to say next. Go Aras!

The Immunity Challenge involved yet more digging in sand for a bag. These ones contained puzzle pieces, with each completed puzzle providing the coordinates for the next bag. For once somebody other than Terry won, so it was Immunity Idol - Terry and Immunity Necklace - Aras leading into Tribal Council.

Of course, first we had to go through the drama of the producers trying to confuse us about who everyone was planning to vote for. Danielle's time on Exile Island with Terry had included him showing her the idol in his ongoing desperation to form an alliance, and led to her declaring – without the slightest hint of irony – " It's 100%, and I know that he's possibly going to let me use it."

Both Aras and Terry spent the afternoon coaching Cirie and Danielle respectively in the art of fire lighting, ready for a tied-vote showdown and a competition to decide who would go home. At Tribal Council Jeff pointed out the neat coincidence that one member of each of the young/old/male/female tribes had made it to the final four. Judging by the dramatic eye rolls and tongue poking, Shane has obviously updated Courtney that Danielle had voted her out. Shane himself looks somehow even more unkempt than he did back at camp, and has apparently forgotten a) how to do up his shirt, and b) that it's inappropriate to wear a beanie in an equatorial country. He's not even slightly fly for a white guy.

And that was it. Terry hadn't shared the Immunity Idol with Danielle, and while Jeff was very clear that it's now out of play he didn't let on whether or not Terry gets to keep it. Cirie and Danielle got two votes each and were sent to sit behind two conveniently ready arson kits when suddenly those words, which I shall not repeat, flashed up on screen.

Next week is the big finale when we find out who goes through to the final three and who ultimately wins the million dollars. In an additional break from tradition it looks like the final challenge involves running instead of just who-can-stand-still-the-longest. If they're going to tamper with the formula, please – PLEASE - let them also get rid of that ghastly stroll down memory lane.