Survivor Guatemala: week 10

The reality of reality TV is that these people are out there doing this crazy stuff for the sole purpose of entertaining me. Be honest: if I'm not entertained I don't watch, advertisers can't try to sell me stuff, and the network doesn't make any money from advertising revenue, which is the whole reason for bothering in the first place. Lucky for them, I find it terribly entertaining to watch greedy people lining up to be starved and tortured and humiliated for the chance to win US$640,000 after taxes.

On those criteria, Jamie has been one of the most entertaining competitors this year. He started this week's episode trying to pick a fight with anyone who'd take him on. Trouble was, nobody wanted to. He accused Gary of lying, then accused Gary of accusing him of lying, despite everyone else assuring him that Gary said no such thing. He told Gary, "I'm just as mad as you" but his inability to get Gary even a little miffed just made Jamie madder. I suspect the absence of guns in the jungle made the case for gun control far better than Mike Moore could ever hope to, simply because if he'd had the access Jamie would probably have shot someone in lieu of the ability to logically and rationally express his feelings in an appropriate way.

The reward challenge looked like an equestrian show jumping course set in a mud pit. Survivors were tied together and had to work as pairs to get through the mud, over some jumps and under others, collect jars of corn and carry them back through the mud and the same obstacles in a joint relay effort with another pair. Each Survivor was tethered to someone of their own gender, and fortunately for the producers (and their efforts to attract the "breathing male" demographic) the draw ended up with Stephanie and Danni tied together, in bikinis, crawling through the mud. In another fabulous twist, Stephanie and Danni teamed up with Gary and Judd and won the reward, so we had both remaining members of Yaxhá on the overnight reward with about 18 hours to ingratiate themselves and suck up big time to those trying to vote them off.

And what a reward it was. Tick off the traditional reward elements:

1. Helicopter flight;
2. The chance to shower in fresh water (more lingering shots over Steph and Danni in the shower together, not such lingering shots of Judd stripping off and showering nude);
3. A large quantity of food;
4. Accommodation somewhere gorgeous, sleeping in a real bed on a mattress with pillows;
5. Produce placement food rewards (in this case Folgers coffer, in six delicious flavours, all rapturously devoured by people who haven't had coffee in over three weeks and would have reacted the same way to International Roast); AND
6. Videos from home of their loved ones.

Aside from an in-person loved-ones visit, which I now doubt will happen, about the only other reward in the classics library is the car someone will win in another product placement frenzy when we get down to the final four or five.

Fortunately for Gary his family video didn't reveal his secret past, although I think if you watched the tape really carefully there was bound to be a number of clues in the background. Gary's the kind of guy to have all of his trophies and media clippings on prominent display at home. Even more fortunately for Gary he had the chance to put his case forward to both Stephanie and Judd, and try to convince them that the biggest glory will come from bettering a genuine competitor, and not someone unpleasant who would be really easy to beat in the final jury vote.

Speaking of Jamie, he was back at camp in a state of total paranoia, nagging everyone for a commitment to the final six and stretching poor Rafe's honesty and manners to the limit. Cindy actually smiled when Stephanie brought her back some of the FOLGERS coffee (remember that name, folks), but Rafe was smiling even more when the others arrived home and gave him an escape from Jamie's constant company.

For the immunity challenge, Survivors were clipped at the waist to a ring threaded onto a rope. Each rope was then tied around three timber structures, and the object was to get through the puzzle fastest. The tight spaces and the complex winding of the rope around them was weighted against the gangly and the stupid, which left Danni, Gary and Judd behind after the first round. It was desperately close in the closing stages of the final, but Rafe managed to edge out Cindy to achieve a 2-1-0 record from three starts, and making him the most unlikely individual immunity threat in Survivor history.

Back at camp, Jamie once again started nagging Rafe to stick with the Nakúm alliance of six, and finally managed to get a "No" answer to the question of "Will you vote for me?" Rafe was smart enough to add the caveat, "But if you ask me about it again I might change my mind" and was thanked with the words, "I'm gonna kill you. I'm just gonna murder you. I mean seriously, I'm just gonna murder you." The fact Jamie was smiling when he said it just made it even creepier. See what I mean about gun control?

Rafe must have taken it seriously, though, because he put to both Lydia and Stephanie the idea of voting Jamie off that night. Danni and Gary had already made it clear that was their plan, and Cindy was also clearly sick of him and his paranoia. Obviously – and for whatever reason - the message never made it to Judd, who seemed more shocked by the vote outcome at Tribal Council than Jamie.

At least Jamie's consistent. As his torch was snuffed, he turned to the rest and screamed, "Blindsided! Nice! Now THAT'S how you vote somebody out." Then he mumbled something, which I suspect would have been beeped had it been articulated better. Once again, it was really hard to tell if he was joking or not. Either way, he gets to join Bobby Jon on the jury, although hopefully he won't be wearing white pants and a red shirt and looking quite as much like Peter Allen as Bobby Jon did. I also hope the producers remember to install a metal detector at the jury entrance to tribal council.

And the irony of all this: you're actually not paranoid if everyone really is out to get you.