Survivor Guatemala: Week 1

And they're racing in the 2005 Survivor Guatemala Sweeps!

In fine Survivor tradition we were treated to host Jeff Probst's 100 word book report on the geography of Guatemala and the history of the ancient Maya people, followed by one of those grand statements he does so seriously and so well: "39 days, 18 people, one Survivor."

Hang on, 18 people? There's only 16 listed on the website so who are the other two? Well, the ad promised two big surprises, and they were Stephanie and Bobby Jon from Survivor Palau. Stephanie joined Yaxhá (pronounced "ya-Shar") and Bobby Jon is a member of Nakúm (pronounced "na-Koom"). Jeff initially described them as tools, and then pointed out that they are full members of their tribes and can be voted off if they're seen as too much of a threat. Gee, thanks Jeff.

There's usually a bit of a hike to get to the campsites, but this year's was one of the worst yet. First the teams had to decide how much food and water to carry with them on an 11 mile hike straight through the jungle, then they had to actually survive the jungle. Both teams were forced to camp overnight among the snakes and the spiders, and we got some lovely night-vision goggle footage of monkeys up in the treetops. The animal roaring accompanying these pictures was impressive, until you realised it was actually the sound of Blake throwing up from dehydration and shock at having been cracked over the shoulder by a spikey tree earlier that day.

Nakúm's prize for winning the race was the best campsite out of the two available, but they quickly ruined their new home by vomiting all over it. Judd, Jim and the interchangeable Bobby Jon and Blake were all severely dehydrated and cramping from the strenuous hike in the humidity. Interestingly all the girls in the tribe survived the hike in fine form, which was lucky because nurse Margaret needed them to help with triage. Bobby Jon's eyes kept rolling back in his head, and I'm assuming it wasn't all that serious or the production crew would have stepped in. I laughed pretty hard regardless, because Bobby Jon hasn't lightened up at all in the last six months and is just as intense and embarrassingly sincere as ever.

The first immunity challenge continued the episode's theme of relatively straightforward tasks claiming numerous casualties. Teams had to paddle their canoes out round a buoy (and yes, Jeff pronounced it "boo-eee" in what will hopefully be the first of many such instances) and then drag the boat up a hill using the same rolling log technique the Maya used to move the huge stone blocks for their pyramids. Danni, Stephanie and Cindy all managed to get limbs caught under logs, and retired fire-fighter Jim somehow broke his left bicep by lifting before everyone else did.

Stephanie led Yaxhá through the danger to her first ever Immunity Reward win, and sent Nakúm off to our first look at this year's Tribal Council set. Apparently (and I found this on the Internet so it must be true) blood letting and human sacrifice was an important part of the Mayan religious system. The high priest would pierce his foreskin and drip blood onto strips of paper that were burned later in the rite. Fortunately for Survivor high priest Jeff the producers have stuck with felt tip pens for marking strips of paper at tribal council, and this week Jim was sacrificed in a 7-1 vote. Oddly he voted for Margaret, without whom the rest of the tribe would have been in real trouble. Maybe he suspected her of putting something more than just lemon juice in his drinking water. Seriously though, if they keep voting off the weakest ones and she keeps discreetly poisoning people she's a shoo-in to win!

So what are this year's Survivors like? Rafe looks more and more like Woody Allen every time he opens his mouth. Brian's complaining that the rest of the team isn't committed enough sounds distinctly Coby-like, and Cindy the animal trainer is a regular little Steve Irwin in drag. Gary is telling people he's just a landscaper because he reckons they'll get rid of him if early if they know he's actually a retired NFL Quarterback (I suspect he's a just miffed at being in a tribe full of people who were still in primary school during his glory days and don't even recognise him). Brandon is keeping up a fine tradition of the token redneck giving very amusing interviews (such as describing Judd's leap overboard as a "premature evacuation") although we laugh with Brandon whereas we were laughing around James from Palau. Judd the doorman is a character straight out of the extras casting pool for Law and Order, and Danni the former beauty queen was grateful for Bobby Jon's presence in her tribe from a purely aesthetic sense. Stephanie provides the compulsory young-gorgeous-female-pharmaceutical-company-sales-rep role, and the stereotypes are complete!

Next week's ad promises more footage of Blake throwing up and Bobby Jon taking the challenges too seriously. Isn't it lucky that more of the same is such a good thing.