Survivor Palau: week 1

And they’re racing in the 2005 Survivor Palau office sweep!

The game started with twenty castaways in a lifeboat having to decide the fastest way to get to shore and the immunity necklaces waiting for the first man and woman; stay in the boat and help row closer or get an early start by swimming? Jonathan and Stephanie relied on their brawn but should have used their brains instead because the boat, now about 130kg lighter, shot away and left them floundering.

Wanda also effectively signed her own death warrant with the announcement, "I’ve written a bunch of songs for Survivor!" and a demonstration at a captive audience. Not long after – coincidence? - everyone dived overboard, resulting in some very unflattering camera angles, so I’d like to dob Channel 9 into the ACCC for breaching section 53 of the Trade Practices Act by claiming that this is "the sexiest bunch of Survivors ever".

Jolanda and Jeff were first to shore, but nobody was quite certain from precisely what that made them immune. Tom the NYC firefighter refused to help start a fire. Coby the hairstylist accessorised his pink shirt into a loincloth and started bitching. Janu the Las Vegas showgirl helped with the shelter by scaling a palm tree (she claimed to be an experienced rock climber, but watching the confidence with which she wrapped both legs around a pole it was probably vocational – not vacational – experience she was putting to use). Jolanda the lawyer ate a live grasshopper. Just another day in the office, really.

Host Jeff arrived and announced that the two tribes of nine would be determined by a good old fashioned school yard team pick, with the last two being out of the game before it even really began. Angie, with a butterfly tattoo across the entire span of her decolletage, looked like she had plenty of experience being picked last for sports, but she was lucky this time. Jonathan survived testicular cancer but couldn’t survive Coby’s machinations or the disgrace of being the first to jump out of the lifeboat, and Wanda justified her exclusion with an encore performance of her Survivor sea shanty.

At the combined reward/immunity challenge the teams had to carry any or all of four heavily weighted survival items through a maze with them. Koror cleverly decided to take just the fire-starting kit, allowing them to travel light and quickly take the lead. Ulong never recovered from Jolanda’s insistence that they take all four items, so Koror got to keep their fire kit for the entire twenty minutes between winning immunity and flipping their outrigger on a freak wave.

Jolanda also had fire for about twenty minutes before her tribe voted her out 6 to 3 and her torch was extinguished with a snuffer fashioned from the landing gear of one of the WWII US military wrecks with which Palau – and the tribal council set – is littered. She’d been too greedy in the challenge, too bossy at camp, and too willing to walk around in thong underwear. Eating the grasshopper probably didn’t help much, either.

The rules clearly stated that the last place $5 refund goes to the person whose Survivor is "first voted off". Unfortunately for Georgia and Ian, Wanda and Jonathan just weren’t picked at all so they weren’t actually "voted off"; that glory goes to Jolanda, and Pat gets his money back.
Be watching next week for rats, rain and romance. Well, that’s what they’re promising in the ad but a week’s a long time in the editing suite, so who knows what’ll actually happen.