Survivor Guatemala: week 11

I've always had a sneaking suspicion that the producers must enforce a silence rule on the trip back to camp from Tribal Council and the challenges. It's strange that nobody discusses what happened until after they're all back on stage where the cameras can catch everything from different angles. I don't know what incentive they use to keep everyone silent, but it must be powerful; Judd was able to wait until they were all back at camp before exploding into a fit of pretending not to be upset (and some Tourette's frequency "man") that his alliance didn't update him on the decision to vote Jamie out.

According to my Australian Pocket Oxford Dictionary, a lie is an intentionally false statement or something that deceives. I somehow doubt Judd has ever looked the word up, which is why he thinks that Gary telling Judd that Lydia and Cindy should be out of the game, and then asking Lydia for an alliance, is a lie (although to whom Gary had allegedly lied remains unclear, probably to both Judd and us). To me it's a damn fine strategic move now that Jamie's eviction shows there are cracks in the old Nakúm alliance.

This week's reward challenge is a Survivor classic, designed to show where alliances really stand. Competitors use big cubes to answer multiple choice and true/false questions about, in this case, Guatemala. A correct answer gives you a chance to put someone else out of the game in some symbolic way, which this season was three clay pots full of corn for each Survivor representing three strikes and you're out. The amount of strength required to smash the pot makes it none too subtle when someone has been targeted. Gary and Cindy hitting each other was to be expected, since they vote for each other at Tribal Council most weeks. Lydia targeting Stephanie, on the grounds that Stephanie always wins the food rewards and gets to eat, was perhaps good logic but poor strategy because Stephanie took it VERY personally that she was the first one out of the game. The fact Stephanie got none of the questions right is irrelevant. The fact that she almost had one answer right, then copied Judd and ended up getting it wrong, shows her not to be the master tactician some think she is.

As predicted in the pre-season form guide, Rafe did very well on the Guatemala quiz and got nearly every question right. Unfortunately he got one wrong when it was down to just he and Cindy, so she only needed to get the next one right to win. Unfortunately for Rafe it was a question was about crocodiles, and Cindy is a zoologist specialising in alligators, so the result was a given. Fortunately for Rafe, Cindy was cluey enough to pick the challenge runner up – ie. the person who second most deserves it – to share the reward, and avoid any further political ramifications.

Back at camp (and again, only once they were back at camp and the cameras were in place), Stephanie was furious at Lydia, and that fury blinded her to a few key facts:

1. Lydia wanted to win the food reward so she picked off the strongest competitor first, which is good sense.
2. Between getting to share Judd's win a couple of weeks back, and choosing to eat instead of participate in the post-merge immunity challenge, Stephanie has done the most public gorging in front of the others.
3. If you're going to try and mount a defence that others have eaten just as much as you, don't do it with a mouthful of corn.

The bad mood spread, with Judd starting up again about everyone else lying and Lydia retreating to eat her fish-leftovers gruel and behave churlishly when Rafe and Cindy returned from their feast. Lydia has either inherited Jamie's paranoia, or has finally twigged that the others are using her for her vote. Gee, we've never seen that on Survivor before!

The immunity challenge was yet another form of Guatemala quiz, with very similar results. Jeff told a story of a woman who left her first husband, was unfaithful to her second, then cheated on her new lover with his brother. As much as it sounds like modern Moe it was actually a Mayan fable about the moon goddess Ixchel. Survivors had to run around and answer questions about the fable by opening one of two answer boxes. The correct answer box had a flag, and the first to retrieve seven flags won. The incorrect answer box had a stick, which had to be returned to the start point and thrown in a fire before attempting to answer another question. Thanks to Judd, Stephanie, Lydia and Dannii the fire was burning nicely by the time Rafe beat Gary back with his seventh flag, and yet again won immunity. I can offer no better comment than to quote Rafe: "Who would see this little gay Mormon and think he would win most of the immunity challenges?"

Tribal Council was interesting for a number of reasons, not least of them being the fact that Jamie and Bobby Jon have apparently gotten over their differences and are now best buddies on the jury. Lydia made the mistake of answering in the affirmative when asked by Jeff whether Stephanie is running the camp, which didn't go down well. Judd made the mistake of using Gary as an example of how everyone else is lying all the time. As expected, he couldn’t define how Gary's days earlier assertion that Lydia and Cindy didn't deserve to be in the game was a lie, so Gary explained it to him is simple terms. "This is a lie: 'Hey guys, the idol is on the ground.' That's a lie." It was a beautiful television moment watching Judd, who'd only moments earlier claimed "I don't think I've lied yet", try and "man" his way out of it.

Of course, the only person truly amused by it (other than everyone in TV land) was Gary, but it made no difference to the voting. With Gary gone, the only secret exposed at Tribal Council that will matter will be Judd's so blatent lie about the individual immunity idol clue, and it'll be fascinating to see his alliance's reaction to that. We’ll just have to wait until they all get back to camp.

Survivor Guatemala: week 10

The reality of reality TV is that these people are out there doing this crazy stuff for the sole purpose of entertaining me. Be honest: if I'm not entertained I don't watch, advertisers can't try to sell me stuff, and the network doesn't make any money from advertising revenue, which is the whole reason for bothering in the first place. Lucky for them, I find it terribly entertaining to watch greedy people lining up to be starved and tortured and humiliated for the chance to win US$640,000 after taxes.

On those criteria, Jamie has been one of the most entertaining competitors this year. He started this week's episode trying to pick a fight with anyone who'd take him on. Trouble was, nobody wanted to. He accused Gary of lying, then accused Gary of accusing him of lying, despite everyone else assuring him that Gary said no such thing. He told Gary, "I'm just as mad as you" but his inability to get Gary even a little miffed just made Jamie madder. I suspect the absence of guns in the jungle made the case for gun control far better than Mike Moore could ever hope to, simply because if he'd had the access Jamie would probably have shot someone in lieu of the ability to logically and rationally express his feelings in an appropriate way.

The reward challenge looked like an equestrian show jumping course set in a mud pit. Survivors were tied together and had to work as pairs to get through the mud, over some jumps and under others, collect jars of corn and carry them back through the mud and the same obstacles in a joint relay effort with another pair. Each Survivor was tethered to someone of their own gender, and fortunately for the producers (and their efforts to attract the "breathing male" demographic) the draw ended up with Stephanie and Danni tied together, in bikinis, crawling through the mud. In another fabulous twist, Stephanie and Danni teamed up with Gary and Judd and won the reward, so we had both remaining members of Yaxhá on the overnight reward with about 18 hours to ingratiate themselves and suck up big time to those trying to vote them off.

And what a reward it was. Tick off the traditional reward elements:

1. Helicopter flight;
2. The chance to shower in fresh water (more lingering shots over Steph and Danni in the shower together, not such lingering shots of Judd stripping off and showering nude);
3. A large quantity of food;
4. Accommodation somewhere gorgeous, sleeping in a real bed on a mattress with pillows;
5. Produce placement food rewards (in this case Folgers coffer, in six delicious flavours, all rapturously devoured by people who haven't had coffee in over three weeks and would have reacted the same way to International Roast); AND
6. Videos from home of their loved ones.

Aside from an in-person loved-ones visit, which I now doubt will happen, about the only other reward in the classics library is the car someone will win in another product placement frenzy when we get down to the final four or five.

Fortunately for Gary his family video didn't reveal his secret past, although I think if you watched the tape really carefully there was bound to be a number of clues in the background. Gary's the kind of guy to have all of his trophies and media clippings on prominent display at home. Even more fortunately for Gary he had the chance to put his case forward to both Stephanie and Judd, and try to convince them that the biggest glory will come from bettering a genuine competitor, and not someone unpleasant who would be really easy to beat in the final jury vote.

Speaking of Jamie, he was back at camp in a state of total paranoia, nagging everyone for a commitment to the final six and stretching poor Rafe's honesty and manners to the limit. Cindy actually smiled when Stephanie brought her back some of the FOLGERS coffee (remember that name, folks), but Rafe was smiling even more when the others arrived home and gave him an escape from Jamie's constant company.

For the immunity challenge, Survivors were clipped at the waist to a ring threaded onto a rope. Each rope was then tied around three timber structures, and the object was to get through the puzzle fastest. The tight spaces and the complex winding of the rope around them was weighted against the gangly and the stupid, which left Danni, Gary and Judd behind after the first round. It was desperately close in the closing stages of the final, but Rafe managed to edge out Cindy to achieve a 2-1-0 record from three starts, and making him the most unlikely individual immunity threat in Survivor history.

Back at camp, Jamie once again started nagging Rafe to stick with the Nakúm alliance of six, and finally managed to get a "No" answer to the question of "Will you vote for me?" Rafe was smart enough to add the caveat, "But if you ask me about it again I might change my mind" and was thanked with the words, "I'm gonna kill you. I'm just gonna murder you. I mean seriously, I'm just gonna murder you." The fact Jamie was smiling when he said it just made it even creepier. See what I mean about gun control?

Rafe must have taken it seriously, though, because he put to both Lydia and Stephanie the idea of voting Jamie off that night. Danni and Gary had already made it clear that was their plan, and Cindy was also clearly sick of him and his paranoia. Obviously – and for whatever reason - the message never made it to Judd, who seemed more shocked by the vote outcome at Tribal Council than Jamie.

At least Jamie's consistent. As his torch was snuffed, he turned to the rest and screamed, "Blindsided! Nice! Now THAT'S how you vote somebody out." Then he mumbled something, which I suspect would have been beeped had it been articulated better. Once again, it was really hard to tell if he was joking or not. Either way, he gets to join Bobby Jon on the jury, although hopefully he won't be wearing white pants and a red shirt and looking quite as much like Peter Allen as Bobby Jon did. I also hope the producers remember to install a metal detector at the jury entrance to tribal council.

And the irony of all this: you're actually not paranoid if everyone really is out to get you.

Survivor Guatemala: week 9

This week confirmed for me that the words "white trash" only sound right in a Southern accent, and Jamie's pronunciation is Jerry Springer perfect. He's still got his nose out of joint ("I'm not angry, my feelings are hurt") about Bobby Jon calling him 'no class', and the combination of red-neck rambling and the onset of jungle paranoia makes him this season's James and Janu all in one.

Gary used the ongoing search for the Individual Immunity Idol as the opportunity to raise once again his glorious football past. I still can't understand how the story of his come-from-behind-win twenty years ago fits as a metaphor for finding the idol, but apparently it doesn't have to as long as everyone out in TV land remembers who you are.

The reward challenge was a large horizontal archery target with a big post representing the bulls eye. Survivors had to throw an arrow using a Mayan spear-thrower, with the various food rewards being assigned based on who landed their arrow closest (and yes, Jeff, the reward was worth playing for – they all are – so you can stop asking that every week). Judd went first, and while Jeff described his impressive throw as "the mark to beat" nobody managed to and he won steak, lobster, dessert and – scariest of all – a free open bar.

As is often the case at this stage of the game, Judd as winner got to invite two others to share in his prize, which usually shows up who has alliances and where the political fault lines fall. Judd was surprisingly canny and picked Bobby Jon and Stephanie to represent each tribe (although to be honest he made that decision before the bar opened and his judgement went out the window). The others all had to sit by and watch while the three of them got steadily drunker over a two hour binge. Gary, who won a single slice of pizza for coming fifth, stared at Judd with only slightly less intensity than the pet dogs living at the guest house where the feast was held.

Judd showed surprising nous in his choice of friends, but Jamie showed sheer rat cunning by relinquishing his fourth place burger and beer for the last place bowl of nuts and boiled lake water, allowing five others to step up a place. He said he was doing it to apologise for his behaviour the day before ("Nothing tastes better than my self respect"), but nobody seemed to believe it was from genuine remorse. Even the members of his own alliance can't stand him, and are expressing it with varying degrees of tact.

There were no tactful, but many colourful, ways to describe how drunk Judd got. He staggered, fell over, tried to collect a 30 foot tree as firewood, snored, and dreamt that he threw up (again) on a world heritage building when in fact he'd thrown up in the shelter.

The other part of Judd's reward was a clue to the location of the Individual Immunity Idol, and this segued nicely into the theme of the second act: lies and trust. He showed Stephanie the clue, which stated that the idol is off the ground, then told the rest of the camp that the idol is most definitely on the ground. Next, Gary talked to Jamie and said he'd vote with him. Jamie immediately told the rest of the old Nakúm that Gary was planning to vote for him, which despite much incredulity on everyone's part resulted in Gary being the targeted Yaxhá member for this week's vote. Stephanie lied to Gary when he asked if that was the case, and again when she promised to tell him when it was to be his turn. Even Rafe didn't quite manage to avoid lying in the face of Jamie's persistently paranoid probing about the state of their alliance.

Having seen that the immunity challenge involved ropes, balance and general physical prowess it was a shock to many (including Rafe) to see Rafe survive the early knock-out rounds and make it to the final race against Jamie over a rope bridge. Unfortunately ropes aren't Rafe's strong suit, and Jamie won the immunity necklace and a week's reprieve from the exasperation of his own tribemates. Gary set off into the jungle again in search of the Individual Immunity Idol, and was both lucky enough to spot Judd looking up in the trees and smart enough to realise they'd all been lied to.

If you've ever wondered how Jeff, who only sees the Survivors at challenges, manages to ask such pertinent questions at Tribal Council it's because the daily transcripts of what happens at camp are faxed to the production team every day (and yes, I have first hand knowledge of this; just don't ask how). To prove it, Jeff started with a question about trust, and then asked both Gary (the ex-quarterback who claims to be just a landscaper) and Judd (the recipient of the true clue as to the Individual Immunity Idol's whereabouts) whether they had told any lies at all. Considering nobody believes Gary's lie but everyone fell for Judd's it was funny to see how much more convincing Gary's body language was when they both said "No".

What Gary didn't hide at the appropriate moment was that he had found the Individual Immunity Idol, which made him safe from the vote that night. Jeff reminded everyone that they could not talk to each other prior to voting, but the odd thing was that it seemed to be the old Yaxhá's vote thrown most into disarray, with Bobby Jon and Danni both voting for Stephanie but Gary voting for Cindy (huh?!?) while everyone else calmly switched to Bobby Jon and made him the first member of the jury.

It'll be interesting to see next week whether the Nakúm alliance, which is now six against two, can resist the temptation to get rid of Jamie without losing its majority or whether they'll keep picking off Yaxhá. Either way, they're all on the jury now and need to start being nice to each other with the end game in mind. I'm sure Gary has a metaphor about end games he'd love to share, and now he's got at least one more week in which to do it.

Survivor Guatemala: week 8

By the end of this week's episode I almost – but not quite – felt sorry for Jamie. It must be tough having Bobby Jon tell you you've got no class, and even worse having Judd tell you to keep your mouth shut. Nah, he completely brought it on himself and it was very good TV.

Jamie's ostracism started when the remaining members of Yaxhá arrived at Nakúm's camp having just voted out Amy at Tribal Council. Nukum were already tucked up in bed and far away in the land of Nod, so it must have been a horrible surprise having the opposition turn up. Rafe is such a sweetie his first startled words were, "Oh my gosh!" Jamie's first words were, "Well there's no room in the shelter for y'all, so I hope y'all don't mind sleeping outside". Hmm, charming.

Of course, Bobby Jon appears to have attended the same charm school. In his piece to camera he told us that he can't be around Jamie for more than five minutes without wanting to knock him out. OK, those two have a 'history'. But he also said that he can't be around Stephanie without wanting to vomit. He then spent much of the episode spitting on the ground in front of himself at inappropriate times. At least he appears to have left the snot rockets in Palau.

Tree mail interrupted Nakúm's frantic efforts to ingratiate themselves with their new tribemates by collecting firewood and playing slaves. Comic relief Lydia took charge of the instructions to come up with a new tribe name and decorate a banner accordingly. The result – Xhakúm – is functional if not the least bit original.

And yes, we'll need to keep referring to them by their old tribe names because there is none of the usual bonhomie that accompanies a merge. That might be because there was none of the usual food and liquor generously put on by the producers to encourage merriment at the merge moment. Stephanie complained about that, too. I had really hoped that a few wins would snap her out of her misery, but apparently not.

There was no formal reward challenge this week, but there is a challenge out there in the jungle just waiting to be found: a 15cm tall Individual Immunity Idol which can be used up until the final four by whomever finds it. It was made clear you only had to declare your possession of it immediately prior to the vote if you wanted to claim immunity that week, but not how many times the idol can be used.

The Great Individual Immunity Idol Search was funny. Rafe is apparently a wilderness guide, but still stuck his hand in a hornet's nest and had to run away slapping his head. Bobby Jon wandered through the forest a lot, and in a lovely piece of editing we had a subtle jump cut that suggested he was standing right near it, but who knows. After eleven series we all know not to trust editing.

The immunity challenge was the classic "Who can stand on the spot longest?" In this iteration the Survivors had to stand on a small cube and balance a clay pot on their head. The producers have learnt from the debacle of the Palau final three challenge, and sensibly imposed a one hour time limit with a tie breaker if necessary after that time.

They've also learnt that some very interesting conversations happen during this type of challenge between those already out and those still in it and trying to stand still. To get that tension happening early they gave everyone the choice between participating in the challenge, or enjoying what could have been the merge feast. In a fascinating result, the four Survivors who started in Yaxhá and ended up in Nakúm all chose to eat: Stephanie, Jamie, Rafe and Lydia are obviously feeling pretty safe at this stage in the game, because everyone else tried for immunity and tried not to watch the others stuffing their faces.

It's meant to be his job, but Jeff clearly gets a kick out of asking pointed questions about how safe people feel. Jamie, being the short-fused loudmouth he is, was happy to tell everyone that Brandon and Bobby Jon would be picked off first since they'd be strongest in the individual challenges and therefore the biggest threat. It was only a question of who was going to crack first and smash a pot over his head, with even his own tribemates cringing with embarrassment and Rafe almost in tears at the incivility of it all.

The tie breaker was a simple race up the steps of a convenient world heritage site, again with pots on heads, which Gary won. He was at bottom of the eviction order determined by Yaxhá and was the one in least danger, so I thought he might have chose to give his immunity to Brandon to throw the vote into confusion at the last minute, but he didn't. Bobby Jon managed to fight back the nausea long enough to beg Stephanie to let him be on the jury, effectively sealing Brandon's fate.

By this time both Cindy and Rafe/Woody Allen were having deep moral dilemmas about their part in the 'axis of evil' that was about to vote out a solid guy like Brandon over a [insert favourite cuss word here] like Jamie. Judd was so upset about Jamie's behaviour that he called him 'man' at least seven times in three "sentences". It was enough to give Brandon some hope for a few hours, and even more motivation to look for the idol. It also made for some fantastically tense moments at Tribal Council and one of the closest votes all season. Bobby Jon formed the most profound and articulate sentence he's ever uttered as he voted for Jamie: "You talk about havin' Southern Pride. Well part of Southern Pride is bein' a Southern Gentlemen. And no, you don't have any class, at all."

Sadly, numbers count for more in Survivor than class or heart, and Brandon misses out on the jury while Jamie makes it through for at least one more week. Maybe the sight of Brandon quietly sharpening a knife on a rock was scarier than either Jamie or Judd's verbal bluster. I just hope there's a really good reason for it.